Lois: You listen to me, young man. That one lunch obviously meant a lot to Stevie. He's a human being with human feelings. Now, you are going to be friends with that crippled boy and you are going to like it. Understood?
Malcolm: Yes, ma'am. Understood. [to camera] If I give up now, I won't get the lecture.
Lois: You kids...
Malcolm: Dang.
Lois: You just take your legs for granted like nothing could ever happen to them. Well, let me tell you something, that is just wishful thinking. There's meningitis. There are car accidents. I could be giving you a spanking and accidentally snap your spinal cord. Every day is a lottery and first prize is that you don't have to scoot yourself around town on a skateboard with your hands. You think about that.
Dewey: I don't take my legs for granted, Mom.
Lois: I know, honey. You're a good boy. Stop playing with yourself.

Lois: Malcolm, no. If you want this thing so badly pay for it with your own money. You're going to start to baby-sit next week. Just save up.
Malcolm: I don't even know what they're going to pay me.
Lois: I'll tell you what they're going to pay you. They're going to pay you what all jobs pay - less than you're worth and just enough to keep you crawling back for more. Now go on, it's bedtime.

Malcolm: Why do you do this to me?
Lois: Malcolm, I know this is hard for you. You're growing up. You're sick of living under my authority. You want me to cut you some slack. You're wondering when I'll finally see you as an adult. Well... that's never going to happen. That's just not the way it works. You can move away from home, you can get married, even have kids of your own, you can even become a professor of physics at MIT. I will always be your mother. And that's just the way it is until one of us dies. You want to put your head between your knees for a few seconds?
Malcolm: No, I'm okay. Look... will you please just give me one thing? Please stop smoking.
Lois: I already quit.
Malcolm: Are you lying?
Lois: Of course not.

Lois: [over P.A.] Attention, Lucky Aide trespasser. You do not get to do this. You do not get to live off the grid. If anyone on the planet was entitled to hide from all the aggravation, it would be me, but I don't, do you understand? No one gets to shirk their share of the misery. Everyone has to be stuck in this together. That's what's fair. Those are the rules. Now, you obviously know me, so you know what I'm willing to do to find you. So save us both the time and come out now.
[Norm emerges from an aisle]
Craig: Let me handle this. [to Norm] Do you know anything about a guy living in the store?

Malcolm: You know what? I'm glad! This is appropriate. Now my life looks exactly how I feel. How could you screw me over like that?
Lois: Because you were going to take that job, and we are not going to let you throw your life away.
Malcolm: How is being rich throwing my life away?!
Lois: Because it's not the life you're supposed to have! The life you're supposed to have is you go to Harvard, and you earn every fellowship and internship they have. You graduate first in your class, and you start working in public service, either district attorney or running some foundation, and then you become governor of a mid-sized state, and then you become president.
Malcolm: What?!
Lois: Of the United States.
Malcolm: Dad?
Hal: I'm sorry, son. It's true.
Francis: I thought you knew.
Hal: Our expectations started out much smaller, but you just kept upping the ante.

Lois: That doesn't matter. What does matter is you'll be the only person in that position who will ever give a crap about people like us. We've been getting the short end of the stick for thousands of years, and I, for one, am sick of it. Now, you are going to be president, mister, and that's the end of it.
Malcolm: Did it ever occur to you that I could have taken this job, gotten really rich and then bought my way into being president?
Lois: Of course it did. We decided against it.
Malcolm: What?!
Lois: Because then you wouldn't be a good president. You wouldn't have suffered enough.
Malcolm: I've been suffering all my life.
Lois: I'm sorry, it's not enough. You know what it's like to be poor, and you know what it's like to work hard. Now you're going to learn what it's like to sweep floors and bust your ass and accomplish twice as much as all the kids around you. And it won't mean anything because they will still look down on you. And you will want so much for them to like you, and they just won't. And it'll break your heart. And that'll make your heart bigger and open your eyes and finally you will realize that there's more to life than proving you're the smartest person in the world. I'm sorry, Malcolm, but you don't get the easy path. You don't get to just have fun and be rich and live the life of luxury.
Hal: That's Dewey.
Dewey: Really?
Malcolm: This is unbelievable. You actually expect me to be president. No, no, I'm sorry. You expect me to be one of the greatest presidents in the history of the United States.
Lois: You look me in the eye and you tell me you can't do it.

Lois: Do you think we're wealthy?!
Malcolm: What?!
Lois: Do you think we're wealthy? Wealthy people drive fancy cars. They buy fresh pasta. Do we do any of those things? No! Wealthy people can afford to have their vacations ruined. No big deal. They just pick up and they go again. Your father and I work so hard. We work so long. What is wrong with you two?! Are you aborigines?! Every time I turn around, I hear someone screaming and fighting, and I pray to God it's someone else's kids, but it's not. [Malcolm looks at Lois standing in the flume and then looks at Reese] It's always you! Sane children would appreciate this... [Malcolm gets Reese's attention and looks down at Lois. Reese shakes his head, but Malcolm insists.] ...but you have to keep going at each other like rabid monkeys! It is not enough that you do this every day. You have to make me suffer, too. So help me! [looks at Malcolm and Reese] Don't you dare!
[As Lois points a stern finger at Malcolm, he reaches out and pokes her finger, sending her falling back into the slide]
Lois: [screams]
Life Guard: Arms and legs crossed at all times!
Reese: That is the bravest thing I've ever seen you do.
Malcolm: Yeah.
Reese: You're going to die.
Malcolm: I know. So, do you think she's okay? [Lois growls as she pulls the boys into the slide]

Craig: Lois, I love you with all my heart. You're my reason to get up in the morning. You are my everything.
Lois: Craig...
Craig: Lois, I don't want to feel this way. I know you're married, I know you have four beautiful boys. It's my heart. I wish I didn't have a heart... but I do, and I can't help loving you. I can't help loving you with my stupid, stupid heart.
Lois: Oh, Craig... why'd you have to say that? Dear sweet Craig. I am truly sorry. I'm sorry for the way you feel. I'm sorry for any indication I ever gave you that I consider you anything more than a friend. And I am so sorry for what I have to do now... because now... I have to crush whatever it is in you that made you do what you just did. I am going to have to hurt you very, very badly, but believe me, Craig, it's for your own good. Number one... no to everything you just said. No to what you're thinking. No to everything you dream. No to your what-ifs. No to every single fantasy, wish, dream, and elaborate scenario that involves the two of us. No, no, no! Number two... [pinches Craig's wrist]
Craig: Ow!
Lois: Remember that pain. And whenever a thought creeps into your head wondering if there's anything more to the hello I gave you in the morning, you remember that pain. You have no future with me. You have nothing with me. I'm sorry.

Lois: Thought you might be ready for some aspirin.
Francis: I'm working for a moron.
Lois: Of course you are, honey. Your boss is an idiot, your coworkers are incompetent, and you are underappreciated. Welcome to the working world.
Francis: How do people do it?
Lois: Well, let's see... If you want to eat, sleep indoors, you know, those kinds of luxuries, you really don't have much of a choice.
Francis: What about Dad? He had a choice.
Lois: Every 20 years, you're allowed a two-week breakdown.
Francis: Oh, I can't wait.

Lois: Reese, how many times have I told you? No ice cream in the living room. You're dripping all over the rug! [Reese throws his ice cream on the floor] Are you crazy?!
Reese: No, just extremely disrespectful. I mean, what are you going to do with a kid like me? Ground me?
Lois: You bet I am. One week in your room. No TV, no video games, no contact with the outside world. After you take Alison to the dance.
Reese: What?!
Lois: Reese, you made a promise to that girl and you are going to keep it.
Reese: But how did you-?
Lois: Look, Reese, some people are born book-smart. Others are born crafty and street-smart. You, I'm afraid, are neither.