Malcolm: [over P.A.] Hello, North High students. This is Malcolm. You all know the horrible thing I did to my brother Reese. And I'd like to publicly apologize for turning him into a laughingstock. I should never have exposed his secrets. And I can't turn back time. I can, however, level the playing field. I have been having impure thoughts about Shirley the lunch lady. Last month, I caught a glimpse of her cleavage and I've been fantasizing about her ever since. And now that I've admitted that, I'm just as big a laughingstock as he is. Unfortunately, that doesn't protect him from the rest of the school. So I'm forced to bring everyone down to our level. Let's take a look at everyone's permanent records. First up, David Abernathy. He wasn't on a construction crew this summer. He was in theater camp. Cheryl Adams is excused from gym this week because her herpes is flaring up. Charlie Agnew wets his bed every night during finals. Leslie Albert forged her parents' signatures to get a nose job.
Mr. Herkabe: [to a student] Well, Mr. Zyzyx, I'd say we have a half an hour to erase everything on your hard drive.
Malcolm: James Allen... [door rattles] James Allen, he likes to eat his...