Lois: Hey, hey, hey! What are these?
Karl: I must've knocked those in my pocket accidentally.
Lois: No, I saw you put them in your pocket. Craig, you saw him, too, didn't you?
Craig: Oh, sorry. The patch is over my good eye.
Lois: Well, I'm already into my break. You handle this, Craig, so I can get going.
Craig: Sure, no problem. [winks]
Lois: Did you just wink at him?
Craig: Oh, you were serious.
Lois: Craig, he committed a crime.
Craig: Sure, that's one side of it. But if he didn't steal from us, he'd just be stealing from somewhere else, and then we'd be losing a customer. Do you want to be responsible for that?

Craig: Don't you worry, Lois. Everything is going to be fine. [rapidly pressing panic button] Just fine and dandy. Yeah, keep waving that thing around, buddy-boy. You got a big surprise coming.
Lois: Craig, that button has been disconnected for over a year.
Craig: What?! Why?
Lois: Because you kept hitting the damn thing.
Craig: In an emergency, yes. That's what it's for.
Lois: Oh, like an emergency when you saw a bee? Or when you saw that big fly that looked like a bee? How about when you thought you saw a ghost?
Craig: I'm not saying it was or it wasn't, but you can't tell me what we saw was normal.

Craig: [holding magazine] When will J.Lo learn? Take it from a bad boy, we're nothing but trouble.

Craig: Oh. You're buying the Tidy Winks.
Hal: Yes, and I'm in kind of a hurry.
Craig: I don't want to criticize, but I think I know why you're buying the Tidy Winks. It's the absorbency, right? People always fall for that, but what they forget is the elasticity in the legs is suspect at best.
Hal: Craig, I just...
Craig: You know, since I'm kind of little Jamie's unofficial, second alternate godfather, I've been doing some research, and I recommend you take a look at the Baby Naps. They've got this polymer-based fabric that not only has remarkable wicking capability, but actually...

Malcolm: That's weird. Did you see anyone?
Lois: What?
Malcolm: Someone left a candy wrapper and change on the counter here, but nobody's been in the store for hours.
Craig: It was probably a mouse.
Malcolm: A mouse that left the exact change?
Craig: I played tic-tac-toe with a chicken at the county fair, and it beat me eight times in a row. Don't shortchange animals.

Lois: Well, the police are on their way. Three years you've been living here. Unbelievable.
Craig: Didn't you once give me the Heimlich maneuver in Snacks and Nuts?
Norm: You've got to learn to chew.
Craig: Easier said, my friend.

Francis: I can't believe this. I bought my own bus ticket home to spend the whole weekend with you.
Craig: I hear you. It's a shame you had to spend your own money. I discovered a way you can travel for free through the Internet.
Francis: What? Hacking into the airline's reservation system?
Craig: No, that's illegal. I go to a chat room and pretend to be a really hot 18-year-old girl. I'm Debbie. Blond, naive and I love to wear sundresses. Right now I'm having a lot of problems at home. Dad's so mean. I'm going through all these changes. All these strange new feelings. He just doesn't under...
Francis: The free travel?
Craig: Right. Debbie goes to this chat room. She gets really friendly with some lonely guy. Before long he's willing to pay for a visit. Right now I'm sitting on a ticket to Tampa. But I make sure he buys Debbie full fare coach with no restriction. She may look good in thong, but she's no dummy.
Francis: Sweet.

Lois: What's the matter, Craig?
Craig: What does it say on this jar?
Lois: "Craig."
Craig: Well, I'm glad someone around here can read. These jars come with 14 pickles in them. I had three yesterday, two for lunch today and one-and-a-half for a snack, and now there are six-and-a-half pickles in this jar! Simple math indicates...
Lois: Are you counting the one in your hand?
Craig: Okay, false alarm.
Lois: [quietly to herself] We burned his house down. We burned his house down.

Craig: Excuse me. Can I get some help here?
Reese: Hi, Craig.
Craig: So... I overheard your mom talking on the phone and it's true. You've got a job. I applied here once. Didn't get it. It's all politics.
Reese: I guess. So whaddya want?
Craig: I want you to listen carefully. My blood sugar's dangerously low so I don't wanna any burn up calories repeating myself. I want the jumbo clown burger with the big top fries, no pickles, a slice of onion, make sure its center-cut, and extra tomatoes. Now, let's do the patty well on one side, and medium on the other. And make sure they open a fresh package for my bun. If it's stale, I bail. [chuckles] Seriously.
Reese: That comes to $5.45 and you get free refills on the soda.
Craig: Heard that one before. Turns out it's just for today.

Craig: You're right. This is ridiculous. "Apathetic, lazy, overweight." What planet are these people from? I'm taking a fiver.