Lois: So, Malcolm, you have any exciting plans for when you're grounded this weekend? You gonna alphabetize all the stuff in your closet? Or you can update all those exciting new countries onto your globe. Hey, you could finally give the corns on your feet the attention they deserve.
Malcolm: It's bad enough you're punishing me. You don't have to mock me while I'm so miserable. [to camera] I am so happy. I'm sneaking out to a concert Friday night while Mom works the late shift. The band sucks, but I have backstage passes. And if that's even one-billionth as insane as I've always imagined it, I can die happy.

Malcolm: Craig, how could you let her do that to you?
Craig: I would have totally spilled the romance with the hunky social worker.
Malcolm: No. Why do you let her push you around like that? She didn't even ask. She just assumed that you'd have nothing better to do than to pick up her crappy shifts. That's not right. She does this all the time. She takes advantage of you without any consideration of your feelings. Doesn't that upset you?
Craig: I guess I am a little cheesed off.
Malcolm: There you go. I knew you were too much of a man to let her get away with this. You're gonna show her that Craig Feldspar can't be pushed around.
Craig: Thank you, Malcolm, for opening my eyes. You've awoken a sleeping giant, and he's very cranky.

Malcolm: Craig, I just checked the schedule and it still says that you're covering for my mom Friday night. I thought you were going to do something about that.
Craig: Oh, I think she suffered enough. [whispers] Her name tag's been on upside down all night.
Malcolm: Craig, don't you want to be taken seriously?
Craig: I'm taken seriously.
Malcolm: No, you're not. Especially not by my mom. She has nothing but complete and utter contempt for you.
Craig: That's not true.
Malcolm: Oh, yeah? She said the reason she ever makes eye-contact with you is because the rest of you is too hard to look at.
Craig: She did?
Malcolm: And you think she doesn't know that her name tag's upside down? Of course she does. She just doesn't care, because it was only Craig the doormat who did it. You mean nothing to her. Nothing at all. You have to stand up to her. For once in your life, Craig, be a man!
Craig: I hate her! [sobs and runs away]
Malcolm: [to camera] Okay, so I lied and destroyed a man so I could go to a concert. I'll get him a T-shirt.

Lois: Malcolm, do you know what's going on with Craig?
Malcolm: No. Why?
Lois: He left this bizarre weepy message on the answering machine. I mean, it's more bizarre and weepy than usual. Did something upset him at work?
Malcolm: Oh, right. I think they switched from cylindrical-shape ice cream scoopers to the conical ones. He took it really hard.

Mr. Hodges: And now with the valedictory speech, please welcome Malcolm [audio feedback].
Malcolm: Like all of you, I'm praying for this speech to be over soon. [light laughter] Most of us have been dreaming of this day for years, the day we leave childhood and achieve independence. But even if we move thousands of miles away, there's no escape. Our families are coming with us. They'll be with us forever. In our habits, our gestures, and in the choices we make. So we'll never be set-free, we'll never be alone. As Paul McCartney once said...

Ms. Gilbert: Malcolm, I want you to feel relaxed here. Now, school's really stressful and can be pretty demanding. This could be... This could be a safe place for you to unwind.
Boy: [o.s.] Not the face! Not the face!
Malcolm: Could I... unwind... four or five times a week?
Ms. Gilbert: Maybe. What would we talk about?
Malcolm: I don't know where to begin. [to camera] I really don't.
Ms. Gilbert: Well, that was quite an episode you had in class. Did you want to talk about that?
Malcolm: No. You'll just think it's stupid.
Ms. Gilbert: Nothing you ever say in here will be stupid.
Malcolm: But all I ever do is make mistakes. I feel like I don't even deserve to beat my own high score.
Ms. Gilbert: Oh, yes, you do, Malcolm.
Malcolm: Thank you so much. [to camera] The tricky part is, I need to keep this up without being put on medication.

Reese: Maybe it's Malcolm's girlfriend come for some kissing.
Lois: Who is this girl?
Malcolm: Mom, don't make such a big deal outta this! [shouts] I didn't tell anyone because I knew this is exactly how you'd react! This is none of your business! It's nobody's business! It's not a big deal, OK? [calmly] Well, it's not. I would appreciate it if we could just drop it.

Police Officer: Is there a problem here?
Richard: It's all right, officer. We can handle it.
Malcolm: There was a robbery, and I helped.
Dottie: We're not pressing charges. We'd just like to forget about the whole thing.
Police Officer: Oh, you still have to come down to the station and fill out some forms.
Richard: You know, looking through the house, I don't think he got much. Just a bunch of junk from the garage.
Dottie: Yeah. It's pretty hard even to say what was taken.
Malcolm: I can tell you. I have a photographic memory. I can picture everything I put in the car.
Richard: How would it be if we just phoned you later?
Malcolm: There were nine boxes. 14 by 12 by 21. A computer and two high-definition color printers. A signature machine, an embossing machine, two bottles of solvent-based ink eradicator. Three reams of linen-textured cotton paper with fluorescent security fibers, which you could use to counterfeit money, but for that you wouldn't need an embossing machine, unless you were going to forge stock certificates. Oh, my God, you're criminals!
[cut to Richard and Dottie being put in a police car:]
Malcolm: And you know what the saddest part is? I used to care what you thought about me. [to camera] Actually, I still do care a little.