Monica: Good morning, tiger. I'm making you a nice big breakfast, so you can keep up your strength for tonight. You're gonna get me good and pregnant.
Chandler: I've got nowhere to go this morning. I'm unemployed. I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life.
Monica: Well, I just lost my erection.
Chandler: No, I mean, what am I supposed to do with myself?
Monica: You're supposed to find your passion in life. You can be whatever you want to be now. It's exciting.
Chandler: Yeah, but it's all so overwhelming. I don't know where to start.
Monica: Hey, wait a second. I can help you with this. You just need to be organized. Okay, we can make a list of your qualifications and categorize jobs by industry. There could be folders and files-
Chandler: Hey, this is where your hyper-organized pain-in-the-ass stuff pays off.
Monica: I know! My erection is back!

Rachel: We can't find Chandler- His vest. We can't find Chandler's vest.
Monica: How can that be? Wait, are you serious?
Phoebe: We found the vest. I mean, we're going to have to keep an eye on it, make sure we don't lose it again.
Monica: Oh, wow. Okay, don't scare me like that, okay? I mean, for a minute there, I was like, "Oh, my God! The worst has happened!"

Ross: Uh, how does my hair look?
Monica: Ross, it hasn't moved since 1996.

Monica: [to Phoebe] Oh, my God! My ass is sweating. [to Mrs. Green] Please, please, can you come? It's today at 4:00.
Mrs. Green: Well, all right. I'll see you at 4:00.
Monica: Thank you. [hangs up]
Phoebe: Isn't it at 3:00?
Monica: Son of a bitch!

Monica: Give me a new floor!
Joey: I can't, Monica. Chandler would kill me if I don't finish the unit.
Monica: I'll pay you double what he is paying you.
Joey: He's not paying me anything.
Monica: Triple! [Joey turns around intrigued]

Phoebe: That's weird. You're starting to sound a lot like Chandler lately.
Chandler and Monica: [simultaneously] That is so not true.

Monica: Hey, I just whipped us up some Easy Bake treats. They should be ready in about three days.

Waitress: A woman had two bites of her steak. Want me to wrap it up for your dog?
Monica: Oh, yeah.
Waitress: What's your dog's name again?
Monica: Joey.

Monica: [inner monologue:] If it bothers you that much, just go out and get the shoes.
No, don't do this! This is stupid! I don't have to prove anything. I'm gonna get them.
But then everyone will know.
Unless I get them, then wake up really early and put them back.
I need help!

Chandler: Um, why couldn't I be your boyfriend?
Monica: Are you still on that?
Chandler: Uh-huh.
Joey: Would you let it go already?
Monica: Thank you, Joey.
Joey: But you'd go out with me, right?
Monica: No. It's the same as with Chandler. We're friends.
Joey: Whoa. Uh, let's say that we are the last two guys on the face of the planet and you have a gun to your head. Which one would you pick?
Monica: Which one of you has the gun to my head?