Mike: Did you just hit my dad?
Phoebe: Yes. I'm sorry. I've never met a boyfriend's parents before.
Mike: But, I mean, you have met humans before, right?

Bitsy: Please, darling, let's be honest. You can have all the sailor fun you want with that one. But let's be real.
Mike: All right, stop. All Phoebe has done is try and get you to like her. Maybe it's not clear but she did her best. And yeah, She's a little different than you are.
Bitsy: Michael, a pimp spit in her mouth.
Mike: So what? I mean, if I can get past that, it shouldn't bother you. And you don't have to like her, you just have to accept the fact that I do. I mean, if you can't even be civil to the woman I love-
Bitsy: The woman you what?
Phoebe: Yeah, the woman you what?
Mike: The woman I love. I love you. Which is probably something I shouldn't say for the first time in front of my parents and Tom and Sue. Who are, by the way, the most sinfully boring people I've ever met in my life.

[phone rings]
Mike: I'll get it! Hello? Ross's place. Mike speaking. It's for you.
Ross: I don't understand what just happened here.

Monica: Now, in regards to the toasts, okay, you wanna keep them short. Nothing kills a rehearsal dinner like long speeches. Okay. You just get in, do your thing, and get out.
Mike: Is that what you say to Chandler?
Monica: It's 2101, and I am not amused.

Phoebe: Hey, Mike, it's me. Listen, is Is Ross near you?
Mike: No, I just left.
Phoebe: Well, you have to go back in.
Mike: What? Go back? To the land where time stands still?

Mike: I'm trying to remember the last time I opened a door and you weren't there.

Phoebe: Good for you. That was really mature.
Joey: What? No. The only reason I am going to their stupid new house, is so I can point out everything that's wrong with it, so they don't move. I am gonna make them stay here.
Mike: You're a strange kind of grown up.

Mike: Really, I'm a pretty nice guy. Just ask my parole officer. Apparently, I'm not a funny guy.

Mike: All right, I'm gonna take a little break, and when we come back we've got Kenneth singing "I Touch Myself". I'm not here to judge.

Mike: Phoebe, you are so beautiful. You're so kind. You're so generous. You're so wonderfully weird. Every day with you is an adventure. And I can't believe how lucky I am. And I can't wait to share my life with you forever.