Phoebe Buffay Quotes Page 1 of 68

Quote from The One Where Everybody Finds Out

Phoebe: Oh, look! There's Monica and Chandler. Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey! Oh! Oh! Oh! Chandler and Monica! Chandler and Monica!
Rachel: Oh, my God!
Phoebe: Chandler and Monica!
Rachel: Oh, my God!
Phoebe: Oh, my eyes! My eyes!

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Quote from The One with Phoebe's Birthday Dinner

Rachel: Well, now that everybody has ordered, I would like to start the celebration and make a toast to Phoebe. She dropped her sock.
Phoebe: Aw. What?
Rachel: No. No, Emma dropped her sock.
Monica: Mom's here? I wanted to have lunch with her today. She told me she was out of town.
Rachel: Ross, she still has not noticed that the baby's sock is on the ground.
Phoebe: It's a good toast.
Rachel: Look, will you please get her attention?
Ross: Oh. Mommy? Mother. [mouths] Sock.
Phoebe: Oh, for God's sake. Judy, pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! Pick up the sock!

Quote from The One with Ross's Denial

Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] I found you in my bed, How'd you wind up there? You are a mystery, Little black curly hair, Little black curly hair, Little black, little black, little black, Little black curly hair.

Quote from The One With Ross's Inappropriate Song

Phoebe: Hello!
Mike: Mom, Dad, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, these are my parents, Theodore and Bitsy.
Phoebe: [in Katherine Hepburn voice] Theodore, Bitsy. What a delight.
Bitsy: It's so nice to finally meet you.
Phoebe: And you. Your home is lovely.
Bitsy: Well, thank you. I'll give you a tour later. It's actually three floors.
Phoebe: Holy crap!

Quote from The Last One (Part Two)

Phoebe: Uh, Rach, hang on.
Ross: [mouths] No, no, no.
Rachel: Phoebe? Is everything okay?
Phoebe: Um, actually no. No, you have to get off the plane.
Rachel: What? Why?
Phoebe: I have this feeling that something's wrong with it. Something is wrong with the left phalange.

Quote from The One Where Rachel Tells...

Ross: You guys know that Rachel and I slept together, but there's something else. Rachel's pregnant.
Phoebe: Holy mother of God!
Joey: Oh, my God. I can't believe it!
Ross: With my child.
Phoebe: That is brand-new information!
Ross: You already know, don't you?
Phoebe: A little bit.

Quote from The One with Joey's Bag

Frank Buffay: Well, you know, in my defense, I was a lousy father.
Phoebe: That's your defense?
Frank Buffay: Yes, it is. I burned the formula, and I put your diapers on backwards. I made up a song to sing to you, but that made you cry even more.
Phoebe: You make up songs?
Frank Buffay: Well, no, just that one. But it was stupid. Let's see, how did it go?
[singing to the tune of "Smelly Cat"] Sleepy girl, sleepy girl, Why won't you go to sleep? Sleepy girl, sleepy girl, You're keeping me up-

Quote from The One with Rachel's Dream

Phoebe: My songs aren't good enough for your restaurant?
Rachel: Okay, we're still on that.
Monica: I didn't say your songs weren't good enough.
Phoebe: Well, then what's wrong with them? What, they don't go with your tiny portions of pretentious food?
Monica: Tiny portions?
Phoebe: Yeah, well, "Excuse me. I ordered the smoked salmon appetizer, but I can't see it. I can't see it."

Quote from The One with Joey's Bag

Monica: What happened? How did she die?
Phoebe: Well, okay, we were in the market and she bent down to get some yogurt and she just never came back up again.
Joey: Pheebs, I'm so sorry.
Phoebe: It was really sweet. The last thing she said to me was: "Okay, you go get the eggs and I'm going to get the yogurt, and we'll meet at the checkout counter." And you know what? We will meet at the checkout counter.

Quote from The One with Phoebe's Birthday Dinner

Waiter: So, are we expecting the rest of our party shortly?
Phoebe: Yes, they are expected presently. Yeah. Their, um- Their arrival is in the offing.
Waiter: Right, we do have a table for two available. Perhaps you'd be more-
Joey: No, they're coming. We'll wait right here.
Phoebe: Oh, Joseph. One needn't worry. They shan't be long.
Waiter: It's just that we do have some large parties waiting.
Phoebe: Oh, one really does have a stick up one's ass, doesn't one?

Quote from The One with Ross's Wedding (Part 2)

Phoebe: No, no! I'll be nice, I swear. Could you just give me the number for where they are?
The Housekeeper: I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to divulge that information.
Phoebe: Okay, look. Somebody is on their way to ruin the wedding, and I have to warn somebody. All right. So if you don't give me that number, then I'm gonna come over there and I'm gonna kick your snooty ass all the way to New Gloucenshire! Hello? Hello? She knew I could kick her ass.

Quote from The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs

Phoebe: Hi, Geller-Bing residence. How can I help?
Monica: Phoebe, why is there a dog in our apartment?
Phoebe: I'm sorry, who's this?
Monica: Phoebe, there's a dog sitting on my couch.
Chandler: Tell her I'm allergic, and I will sue!
Phoebe: No, there's no dog here.
Monica: Yes, there is! He's black and white and shaggy, and he's sitting next to Rachel and licking Rachel's hand.
Phoebe: Oh, my God! Where are you? [knock at the door] They're here already? How are they doing this?!

Quote from The One Where They're Up All Night

[loud knocking at Phoebe's door, followed by a beep]
Phoebe: Oh, my God! How did you get back here?
Fireman: Phoebe Buffay?
Phoebe: Fire Alarm?

Quote from The One with Ross's Teeth

Phoebe: Hello? Ross, could you put up some of these flyers for me?
Ross: [smiling] Yeah.
Phoebe: No! Demon! Demon!

Quote from The One with Phoebe's Cookies

Monica: I mean, what about friends of your grandma? Wouldn't they have the recipe?
Phoebe: Well, you know, I may have relatives in France who would know. My grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother, "Nestley Toulouse."
Monica: What was her name?
Phoebe: Nestley Toulouse.
Monica: Nestlé Toll House?
Phoebe: Ugh. You Americans always butcher the French language.
Monica: Phoebe, is this the recipe?
Phoebe: Yes! Oh.
Monica: I cannot believe that I just spent the last two days trying to figure out that recipe and it was in my cupboard the whole time.
Phoebe: I know! You see, it is stuff like this which is why you're burning in hell!

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