Monica: It wasn't my fault. Phoebe was in charge of the invitations.
Phoebe: Well, I don't have a mother. So often I forget-
Monica: Oh, give it a rest.
Rachel: So my mother is not coming to my baby shower?
Phoebe: No. Neither is mine.

Monica: Wait a minute. If you're in charge of invitations, why am I the one that had to call her? Hello, Mrs. Green. Hi, it's Monica Geller.
Mrs. Green: Oh, hello, Monica.
Monica: Hi. I know this is last-minute, but we've decided to throw an impromptu baby shower for Rachel today.
Mrs. Green: I know. My daughters told me about it when they received their impromptu invitations a month ago.
Monica: Okay, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Mrs. Green: For what, dear? For not inviting me, or for lying about it?

Phoebe: All right, everybody. It's time to open the presents.
Monica: Yes, yes! And I think that the first gift that Rachel opens should be from the grandmother of the baby. Because you're the most important person in this room. And in the world!
Mrs. Green: Well, I don't have a gift because I wasn't invited until the last minute. But thank you so much, dear, for bringing that to everybody's attention.

Mrs. Green: Oh, and all those dinosaur knickknacks you have. Ross, I think they might be more at home in the garage.
Ross: Well, we don't have a garage.
Mrs. Green: Did I say garage? I meant garbage.

Ross: I have a son. His mother and I didn't live together. And whenever he was with me, I took care of him all the time, by myself.
Mrs. Green: That's true. You do have another child.
Ross: Yeah.
Mrs. Green: With another woman. Have you no control, Ross?
Ross: That's a different issue.

Joey: All right, Ross you're in the lead. Would you like to take another question or spin the Wheel of Mayhem?
Ross: The Wheel has not been my friend tonight, Joey. I'll take another question.
Joey: Okay, this is going to be tough. Hold your breath.
Ross: It's okay. I'm ready.
Joey: No, dude, you gotta hold your breath until you're ready to answer the question.
Chandler: This is ridiculous. He's not gonna-
[Ross holds his breath]
Joey: Okay. What do you have a fear of if you suffer from this phobia? Triska- Holy cow. That's a big word. Tris- Seriously, look at this, Chandler. How do you say that?
Chandler: Let me see that.
Joey: This one right here.
Chandler: Triskaidekaphobia.
Ross: Fear of Triscuits.
Joey: No. No. Fear of the number 13.
Chandler: Fear of Triscuits?
Ross: It's possible. They have really sharp edges.

Rachel: So, what's the final head count on my baby shower?
Phoebe: About twenty. A couple of people from work had things to do.
Monica: Also, both of your sisters called and neither can make it.
Rachel: What? You mean they're not coming to a social event where there's no men and no booze? That's shocking.

Rachel: I don't care. As long as my mom's here.
Monica: Oh, my God. Your mother.
Rachel: What? My mom's not gonna be here?
Monica: Well, given that we forgot to invite her, it would be an awfully big coincidence if she was.

Chandler: Hey, Joe. Wanna go shoot some hoops?
Joey: I can't go. I'm practicing. I've got an audition to be the host of a new game show.
Chandler: Cool.
Ross: That's great.
Joey: Yeah. And if I get it, by day, I'll be Dr. Drake Ramoray. But by night, I'll be [embellished voice] Joey Tribbiani.
Chandler: You'll be perfect for this. That's already your name.

Joey: All right. Let's play Bamboozled.
Chandler: Bamboozled?
Joey: Yeah. Isn't that a cool name?
Chandler: No.
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: All right. Okay. Our first contestant is Ross Geller. Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself, Ross.
Ross: Well, I'm a paleontologist. I live in New York. I have a son, Ben. Hi, Ben. And-
Joey: I said, "a little bit", Ross.