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‘The One with the Baby Shower’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Baby Shower

820. The One with the Baby Shower

Aired April 25, 2002

Monica and Phoebe throw Rachel a baby shower and only realize at the last moment that they forgot to invite Rachel's mother. Monica is desperate to make things up to Mrs. Green, who shows no signs of forgiveness. Meanwhile, Chandler and Ross help Joey prepare for an audition for a game show.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: It wasn't my fault. Phoebe was in charge of the invitations.
Phoebe: Well, I don't have a mother. So often I forget-
Monica: Oh, give it a rest.
Rachel: So my mother is not coming to my baby shower?
Phoebe: No. Neither is mine.

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Quote from Mrs. Green

Monica: Wait a minute. If you're in charge of invitations, why am I the one that had to call her? Hello, Mrs. Green. Hi, it's Monica Geller.
Mrs. Green: Oh, hello, Monica.
Monica: Hi. I know this is last-minute, but we've decided to throw an impromptu baby shower for Rachel today.
Mrs. Green: I know. My daughters told me about it when they received their impromptu invitations a month ago.
Monica: Okay, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Mrs. Green: For what, dear? For not inviting me, or for lying about it?

Quote from Mrs. Green

Phoebe: All right, everybody. It's time to open the presents.
Monica: Yes, yes! And I think that the first gift that Rachel opens should be from the grandmother of the baby. Because you're the most important person in this room. And in the world!
Mrs. Green: Well, I don't have a gift because I wasn't invited until the last minute. But thank you so much, dear, for bringing that to everybody's attention.

Quote from Mrs. Green

Mrs. Green: Oh, and all those dinosaur knickknacks you have. Ross, I think they might be more at home in the garage.
Ross: Well, we don't have a garage.
Mrs. Green: Did I say garage? I meant garbage.

Quote from Mrs. Green

Ross: I have a son. His mother and I didn't live together. And whenever he was with me, I took care of him all the time, by myself.
Mrs. Green: That's true. You do have another child.
Ross: Yeah.
Mrs. Green: With another woman. Have you no control, Ross?
Ross: That's a different issue.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: So, what's the final head count on my baby shower?
Phoebe: About twenty. A couple of people from work had things to do.
Monica: Also, both of your sisters called and neither can make it.
Rachel: What? You mean they're not coming to a social event where there's no men and no booze? That's shocking.

Quote from Monica

Rachel: I don't care. As long as my mom's here.
Monica: Oh, my God. Your mother.
Rachel: What? My mom's not gonna be here?
Monica: Well, given that we forgot to invite her, it would be an awfully big coincidence if she was.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Hey, Joe. Wanna go shoot some hoops?
Joey: I can't go. I'm practicing. I've got an audition to be the host of a new game show.
Chandler: Cool.
Ross: That's great.
Joey: Yeah. And if I get it, by day, I'll be Dr. Drake Ramoray. But by night, I'll be [embellished voice] Joey Tribbiani.
Chandler: You'll be perfect for this. That's already your name.

Quote from Joey


Joey: All right. Let's play Bamboozled.
Chandler: Bamboozled?
Joey: Yeah. Isn't that a cool name?
Chandler: No.
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: All right. Okay. Our first contestant is Ross Geller. Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself, Ross.
Ross: Well, I'm a paleontologist. I live in New York. I have a son, Ben. Hi, Ben. And-
Joey: I said, "a little bit", Ross.

Quote from Ross

Joey: How about you, Chandler?
Chandler: Well, Joey, I'm a headhunter. I hook up out-of-work Soviet scientists with rogue Third World nations. Hi, Rasputin.
Joey: Excellent. Let's play, Bamboozled. Chandler, you'll go first. What is the capital of Colombia?
Chandler: Bogota.
Joey: It's Bogota, but close enough. Now, you can either pass your turn to Ross or pick a Wicked Wango Card.
Chandler: What does a Wicked Wango Card do?
Joey: I should know that. Let's see. Just one moment, please. Here we are. A Wicked Wango Card determines whether you go higher or lower.
Chandler: Higher or lower than what?
Joey: This is embarrassing.
Chandler: Can you believe how lame this is?
Ross: I'm sorry. I don't believe contestants are allowed to talk to each other.

Quote from Mrs. Green

Mrs. Green: Look at that face. Just like when you were in high school. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were a cheerleader in trouble.

Quote from Mrs. Green

Mrs. Green: Now, have you picked your nanny yet? Now, I don't want you to just use your housekeeper, because it will just split her focus.
Rachel: Well, actually, I'm not gonna use a nanny. And I don't even have a housekeeper.
Mrs. Green: It's like you're a cave person.

Quote from Mrs. Green

Rachel: Well, however great she was, I just can't afford that.
Mrs. Green: Oh, Rachel!
Rachel: What?
Mrs. Green: I just had the greatest idea. I'm gonna come live with you.
Rachel: What? What? What?
Mrs. Green: Oh, I'm so happy I'm gonna do this for my little girl. Aw, look at you. You have tears in your eyes.
Rachel: Yes, yes, I do.

Quote from Ross

Joey: All right, Ross you're in the lead. Would you like to take another question or spin the Wheel of Mayhem?
Ross: The Wheel has not been my friend tonight, Joey. I'll take another question.
Joey: Okay, this is going to be tough. Hold your breath.
Ross: It's okay. I'm ready.
Joey: No, dude, you gotta hold your breath until you're ready to answer the question.
Chandler: This is ridiculous. He's not gonna-
[Ross holds his breath]
Joey: Okay. What do you have a fear of if you suffer from this phobia? Triska- Holy cow. That's a big word. Tris- Seriously, look at this, Chandler. How do you say that?
Chandler: Let me see that.
Joey: This one right here.
Chandler: Triskaidekaphobia.
Ross: Fear of Triscuits.
Joey: No. No. Fear of the number 13.
Chandler: Fear of Triscuits?
Ross: It's possible. They have really sharp edges.

Quote from Joey

Joey: All right. Chandler, You can either spin the Wheel or pick a Google Card.
Chandler: Okay. Let me think, let me think. Oh, I don't care.
Joey: You must choose, Mr. Bing.
Chandler: Either. It makes no difference.
Joey: Choose, you jackass.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: I'll take a card.
Joey: Okay. You picked the Gimme Card. You get all of Ross's points.
Ross: What?
Chandler: This game is kind of fun.
Ross: You don't think it's a little crazy that you get all my points-?
Chandler: I don't think the contestants are supposed to speak to each other.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Why did you invite my mother?
Monica: What?
Rachel: She wants to move in with me and Ross to help take care of the baby.
Phoebe: For how long?
Rachel: Eight weeks. I mean, I love my mother, but, my God, a long lunch with her is taxing.

Quote from Monica

Monica: I personally would be honored if she wanted to live with me.
Phoebe: She can't hear you.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: That is right. You go over there and tell her you do not want her to live with you. Do not take no for an answer. This is great. Now she's gonna be mad at Rachel. And I'm just gonna swoop in there and be like the daughter she never had.
Phoebe: I have new respect for Chandler.

Quote from Rachel

Mrs. Green: Sweetheart, I know you're gonna be a terrific mom. I just think that you need a little help, especially at the beginning.
Rachel: But Mom, I really know what I'm doing. I can handle this.
Mrs. Green: Really? Remember Twinkles?
Rachel: He was a hamster. I'm not gonna vacuum up my baby.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Ooh, wow. What's this?
Guest: It's a Diaper Genie.
Rachel: Oh, it dispenses clean diapers?
Guest: No, it's where you put dirty ones.
Rachel: Well, that's gross. Why don't you just take it outside and throw it in a dumpster?
Mrs. Green: You're gonna do that 10 times a day?
Rachel: It goes 10 times a day? What are we feeding this baby, Indian food?

Quote from Joey

Joey: In what John Huston film would you hear this line: "Badges? We don't need no stinking badges!"
Chandler: Treasure of the Sierra Madre!
Joey: Correct. There's a possible Backwards Bonus.
Chandler: "Madre Sierra the of Treasure"!
Joey: Yes!
Chandler: I'd like to go up the Ladder of Chance to the Golden Mud Hut, please.
Joey: Wise choice. How many rungs?
Chandler: Six.
Joey: [mimics monkeys] That noise can only mean one thing.
Ross and Chandler: Hungry Monkey.
Ross: I'd like a Wicked Wango Card.
Joey: Okay. It's an audio question. Name this television theme song: [hums the "I Dream of Jeannie theme tune]
Ross: Oh, my God. I know this. Give me a second.
Chandler: Tell it to the Time Turtle.
Ross: Shut up. I Dream of Jeannie.
Joey: Yes. Yes. You're back in the lead.
Ross: I'd like to spin the Wheel.
Chandler: Oh, come on.
Joey: Super Speedy Speed Round.
Ross: Is there a Hopping Bonus?
Joey: Of course. Who invented bifocals?
Ross: Ben Franklin.
Joey: Correct. Which monarch has ruled Great Britain the longest?
Ross: Queen Victoria.
Joey: Correct again, but you forgot to switch legs between questions so no Hopping Bonus.
Ross: Oh! Every time!
Joey: Yeah. Now over to Chandler.
Chandler: I'd like a Google Card.
Joey: Are you sure?
Chandler: Yes. No. Google!
Joey: Oh, my God. Congratulations, Ross. Because, Chandler you've been Bamboozled!
Chandler: No!
Ross: Yes!
Chandler: This is the best game ever!

Quote from Joey

Ray: Joey, didn't your agents give you the revised rules? We've eliminated all that. No wheel. No cards.
Joey: Why?
Ray: Well, the game was too complicated and research showed people didn't follow it.
Joey: What's complicated?! You spin the Wheel of Mayhem to go up the Ladder of Chance, you go past the Mud Hut, through the Rainbow Ring to get to the Golden Monkey. You yank his tail and, boom, you're in Paradise Pond.
Ray: Yeah. All that's gone. It's basically just a simple question- and-answer game now.
Joey: Well, what's fun about that? You expect me to be the host of a boring game that's just people standing around answering questions?
Ray: Well, there'll be women in bikinis holding up the scores.
Joey: Let's play Bamboozled!

Quote from Monica

Monica: Mrs. Green? Mrs. Green? It is rude to leave a party without saying goodbye to the host. Yeah, and also, when someone apologizes to you, the decent thing to do is to accept it.
Because what I did to you wasn't on purpose. But what you're doing to me now is just plain spiteful.
Mrs. Green: Spiteful?
Monica: That's right. Maybe it's time you took a good, hard look in the mirror, young lady. Old lady. Lady.
Phoebe: Wrap it up. Wrap it up. Wrap it up.
Monica: So whenever you're ready to apologize to me, I will forgive you. Good day. I can't feel my legs!

Quote from Monica

Monica: Mrs. Green? Okay, I'm really sorry. I apologize. If you- Whoa. Okay. [lisping] I bit my tongue. But I'm still really sorry.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: Okay, I'm ready.
Ross: You sure?
Rachel: Yes. I've done my studying, and I really know my stuff.
Ross: All right, then. Rachel Green, let's play Bamboozled. How do you test the temperature of the baby's bathwater?
Rachel: Put your elbow in it.
Ross: Excellent. How do you put a baby down for a nap?
Rachel: Full, dry, on its back, and no loose covers.
Ross: That is correct. This is an audio question. What do you do when a baby makes this sound: [mimics baby crying]
Rachel: Check if it's wet. Check if it's hungry. Burp it.
Ross: Excellent. Excellent. Now do you want another question or a Wicked Wango Card?
Rachel: A card. A card. I pick a card.
Ross: Oh, I'm sorry. You've been Bamboozled. You're gonna be a terrible mother. I've lost sight of why we're doing this.

Quote from Monica

Monica: [to Phoebe] Oh, my God! My ass is sweating. [to Mrs. Green] Please, please, can you come? It's today at 4:00.
Mrs. Green: Well, all right. I'll see you at 4:00.
Monica: Thank you. [hangs up]
Phoebe: Isn't it at 3:00?
Monica: Son of a bitch!

Quote from Joey

Joey: It would be so great if I got this because you never know what could happen to you on a soap. But I could be a game show host forever, like, that Bob Barker guy. He's been doing The Price Is Right for 75 years!
Chandler: I bet the ratings weren’t that good for the first 25 years. You know, before there was television.
Joey: Yeah.

Quote from Mrs. Green

Ross: Well, uh, you know what? Even if she doesn't know anything, I do! And I'll be there to show her, so...
Mrs. Green: That’s exactly what Rachel’s father told me. But you know what he said at the first 3 A.M. feeding? "I’m tired, you take care of it." Which I later said to him when he wanted to have sex.
Ross: Well, I'm not Rachel’s dad. And no offense, but he's an ass.
Mrs. Green: I do like you, Ross.


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