Michael Scott: Pam, I have a mission to accomplish. Make sure this party gets rolling and I will be back shortly.
Andy: Where are you going? Want me to come with? Listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bar, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football, Cornell, Hofstra. Slaughter. Then, quick nap at my place and we hit the tizzown.
Michael Scott: No. I don't wanna do any of that.
Andy: Duh. Which is why I was joking about doing it.
Michael Scott: No, just stop. Stop. Just stop doing it. You're going to drive me crazy.
Andy: Fine, I'll just go sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship. [ringtone starts again] Excuse me. And I'm also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it's funny to steal someone's personal property and hide it from them. Here's a little news flash. It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freaking un-funny! God! [punches his fist into the wall] That was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?
Pam: Yeah.
Andy: Sure? Okay.

Diane Kelly: Mr. Scott, this is a copy of a particularly negative performance review. Would you mind reading the date on that, please?
Michael Scott: March 17th.
Diane Kelly: And that would be a month after your relationship became official. Is that correct?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Diane Kelly: You may read the highlighted portion out loud, if you'd like to.
Michael Scott: "I'm out of carrots. I'm out of sticks. Mr. Scott has time and again proven himself to be an unmanageable employee and a poor branch manager. I recommend he be removed from that position and reassigned to sales, where he belongs."
Diane Kelly: After hearing that, wouldn't you say that Ms. Levinson's judgment is at least very seriously flawed? Mr. Scott?

Michael Scott: Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?
Kevin: Wait. Alfredo's pizza cafe? Or Pizza by Alfredo?
Michael Scott: Same thing. [everyone groans] You know what, I don't understand when you all talk at the same time!
Kevin: Oscar, talk to him.
Oscar: Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients and in overall taste. Which one did you order from?
Michael Scott: Pizza by Alfredo. [everyone groans] All right, you know what? Okay, okay. What is better, a medium amount of good pizza, or all you can eat of pretty good pizza?
All: A medium amount of good pizza.

David: So, let me ask you a question right off the bat, what do you think are your greatest strengths as a manager?
Michael Scott: Why don't I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are? I work too hard, I care too much, and sometimes I can be too invested in my job.
David: Okay. And your strengths?
Michael Scott: Well, my weaknesses are actually strengths.
David: Oh. Yes. Very good.
Michael Scott: There you go.

Michael Scott: But guys, I'm a victim here too, okay? People here have been saying that I'm a J. Crew model.
Angela: No. We heard that about Jim.
Michael Scott: Jim? No, no. I spread the rumor that somebody here was a J. Crew model, and I was referring to myself.
Angela: How is that a bad rumor?
Michael Scott: Because a lot of people think that models, even though they're very attractive, are somewhat vapid. It's set our industry back quite a bit.

Deangelo: I want to hear from the rank and file. How can I be the best manager for you all? What can I do better?
Michael Scott: You know what, everybody? You have to be honest, here. You can't say that everything is perfect, right? So, come up with something.
Oscar: Well, Deangelo, I'd say communication could be improved. People stopped reading memos, so everyone marks them urgent.
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what, I mark it urgent A, urgent B, urgent C, urgent D. Urgent A is the most important, urgent D you don't even really have to worry about.
Erin: Okay, Michael, can you stop talking now? I need to shave your lips.
Michael Scott: Don't shave my lips.

Dwight K. Schrute: Acceptable names include and are limited to: Ebenezer.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jonas.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Worf.
Angela: No Star Trek names.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Fine.
Angela: What if it's a girl?
Dwight K. Schrute: Irrelevant question. Section 5A, child shall be male.
Angela: Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that. You can't put that in here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes you can.
Angela: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months.
Angela: Absolutely not.

Darryl: We should schedule meetings, 'cause the days can slip away with chit-chat. Are you crying?
Andy: No, I'm just sweating.
Darryl: I don't know what's got you upset but my advice is stop crying.
Andy: I'm not crying, I'm just sweating.
Darryl: Look, you need to pick yourself up. Man up, alright? You will win this in the end. It's all about heart, and character. Be your best self.
Andy: Okay.
Darryl: Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: I have no idea what his problem is. That's just my standard advice. It's good advice, right?

Michael Scott: Margaret the landlady? Really, Pam? Is that what you think of me?
Pam: She's sweet and cute. I thought you would get along.
Michael Scott: Oh, okay. Well, I'm looking for a passionate affair, not companionship. I'm a man of intensity. Of- Of cool, and youth, and- and passionately.

Jim: So I was wondering if Karen and I could get off a few hours early because we wanted to spend the night in the city.
Michael Scott: Why, so you can do it?
Jim: Whoops.
Michael Scott: No, well, I was thinking that, actually, we can all leave tomorrow and do a convoy, you know? Convoys are really fun. Pull up next to each other, give each other the finger. Moon each other.
Jim: Uh. We're going to go tonight, but we're going to see you there tomorrow morning, right?
Michael Scott: All right. All right. Your loss.
Karen: Wait, how would you moon us if you were driving?
Michael Scott: Cruise control.
Karen: Oh.

Robert: Gentlemen, bear witness. While I've been mourning the nights that never were, one of them has been unfolding here before me. This is no get-together. This is a party. [Robert strips completely naked, then jumps in the pool. Gabe and Ryan follow]
All: Yes! Woohoo! Bravo!
Jim: And there's my talking point.

Toby: You know it's not just pregnant women who don't get their due. You know who's gorgeous? Helen Mirren.
Ryan: Yes! Have you seen her in a bikini? Amazing?
Toby: You know what would be the hottest thing ever? Is a pregnant Helen Mirren.
Ryan: Now we're talking.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, okay, okay. No, no, no. This is disgusting. Do you realize what you're saying? The hottest thing ever would be a 66 year old pregnant woman?
Oscar: In this case, yes.
Dwight K. Schrute: No! There are universal biological standards of beauty and attraction. And you are purposefully celebrating the opposite of them to mollycoddle a pregnant woman.
Phyllis: No, we're not.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, you are. And another thing. Helen Mirren was born Helen Mironov. That's right. You're fake salivating over a Soviet era Russian.

Gabe: Okay, I-I am, I'm almost a little concerned that you might be overqualified for the position. [Robert and Gabe chuckle at this] Do you, um, do you think that you are?
Robert: Do I look like someone who would waste my own time?
Gabe: No. [Robert then nods his head at Jim]
Jim: Can you... [clears throat] You are a man of great confidence. Could you speak a little more to that, and, what the role of confidence... would be... in a dialogue with a subordinate?
Robert: Will you be heard? Will you have a voice? Will I steamroll over you? Do you feel heard right now, Jim? Do you have a voice, right now? ... You can answer me.
Jim: Yes.
Robert: That was your choice, not mine. The fallacy is that it is up to the steamroller. It is up to the object... whether it will be flattened or not, and I can tell from the small interaction we've had already, you won't be flattened by anybody. Do you agree with me, Jim?
Jim: Yes.
Robert: Yes! You do.

[Dwight is wearing the Three Wolf Moon t-shirt]
Michael Scott: What are you wearing?
Dwight K. Schrute: What? It's a casual, social outfit.
Michael Scott: Looks like you're going to a fish fry, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: No. They're howling at the moon. It's suggestive to women because of the howling during sex.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: [howls]
Michael Scott: That's not appropriate.
Dwight K. Schrute: [howls]
Michael Scott: Uncool. Uncool, Dwight. [they both howl]

Michael Scott: We had a foreign exchange student live with us when I was young. And we called him my brother. And that's what I thought he was. Um, and then he went home to what is now formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like: a fake brother who steals your jeans.

Kevin: Are you going to eat with us?
Michael Scott: Of course. Hanging with my crew, crew that I am one of. Hanging with my cup of noodles. This is a meal in a cup. Right here. Hot, tasty. Reminds me of college. Lived on this stuff. Brain food. You know what I really, really miss about college? The parties. Everybody would go, the athletes, the nerds, professors.
Pam: The professors would go to the parties?
Michael Scott: Yeah. They were the most fun. We always invited them.

Robert: Shalom. Give us just a minute. Stu and I are just finishing up our lesson. Trust me. One nine-minute bout is a cardiovascular equivalent of running uphill for three hours. I could go to the gym three times a week or I can wrestle Stu once a month. [slaps the mat, they wrestle]
Stu: Grab my knee!
Gabe: Yay, Robert!
Robert: Guys, please help yourself to some drinks from the fridge.

Oscar: What happened to Phyllis?
Michael Scott: Oh, you know. Nothing. She's- We were hanging out at Cafe Disco and she had a flare up of am existing injury. But she's a tough, old bird. So...
Angela: Can you please go back to work instead of masterminding these situations wherein we hurt ourselves?

Michael Scott: Well, let's keep this party moving on.
Meredith: I'll go. Have you guys ever met Bruce Myers, the Scranton rep for Hammermill?
Michael Scott: Bruuuuuuuce!
Meredith: Well, for the past six years, I've been sleeping with him in exchange for discounts on our supplies and Outback steakhouse gift certificates.
Jim: Jackpot.
Holly: Meredith, that is serious. I mean, not only is that a conflict of interest, but there's also an exchange of goods.
Meredith: Exchange of steak. Have you ever had sirloin steak, honey?
Michael Scott: That's crazy. That's crazy talk. The "Merenator", sleeping with suppliers.

Michael Scott: I finally broke down and bought myself a plasma TV. Check it out. I actually hung this on the wall myself.
Jim: That's good.
Michael Scott: I wanna show you something. A lot of people in the room, you need more space voila. Right into the wall.
Jim: Wow.
Michael Scott: Sometimes, I will just stand here and watch television for hours. I love it. I love this TV.