Dr. Wen: That was a near-perfect laparoscopic cholecystectomy. Have you been working on your dexterity?
Turk: Well, I've been playing a little John Madden Football on my X-Box.
Todd: I'd like to play John Madden Football on her X-box.
Turk: On who, Todd? There are no women here.
Todd: Well, it's still funny.

Dr. Wen: The Todd here used to be our number one lap-chole guy. But the torch has been passed.
Turk: Thank you, sir. [to J.D.] Dude. Yo, wait till you hear this! Dr. Wen just said that I'm their number one lap-chole guy now!
Dr. Wen: [to Todd] Disappointed?
Todd: I shoulda waited till there was a chick around to make that "X-box" joke, you know? He knows.

Carla: [holding her pregnant belly] Oh. You like that?
Todd: Wow, I felt it move.
Carla: Todd, you're touching your crotch.
Todd: I know. And I'm loving it.

Todd: My post-op patient is still going in and out of consciousness. You know what I'd like to go in and out of? Disrespecting-nurses five!

Todd: Are you even paying attention?
J.D.: I'm sorry. Is it time to excise the tumor?
Todd: No, it is time to realize that we're operating on a naked chick. We will high-five later.

J.D.: What is wrong with you? Is this because I called you "Smelliot"? Because I can't believe you haven't heard that before.
Elliot: J.D., I don't care if you call me that.
J.D.: Hey, everybody! She's cool with "Smelliot"!
Todd: Oh, so he can call you "Smelliot" but I'm not allowed to call you "Vagina Face"?
Elliot: Not the same, Todd!

Turk: Agility exercises?
Todd: No. I'm air-fondling Dr. Miller's boobies. Who's with me?
Todd: No?
Turk: Eh. Why don't you lay off Dr. Miller? And don't say "I'd like to lay on Dr. Miller."
Todd: High-five later for reading my mind!
Turk: Even though you're washing your hands with your gloves already on.
Todd: Dammit!

Turk: I can't lose to J.D., I don't care what it takes.
Dr. Cox: I thought he was your best friend.
Turk: Yeah, well, winning is way more important than friendship. My gram-gram taught me that. His patients love him. How do we undo that?
Todd: After you're done rating me at rateyourdoc.org go to my website: thetoddtime.com. Be sure to check out the Tranny Todd feature. It lets you see what the big dog looks like with the girl parts.
[later:]
Todd: Ma'am, the key to a speedy recovery is less moaning, more boning. Sure as my name is Dr. John Dorian.
Turk: That's what I'm talking about! I said it again. Aw, Damn.

Janitor: Todd has a question.
Todd: Yes. Could I be the photographer so I have a valid excuse for wearing this?
[The Todd has a camera taped to his shoe, pointed towards a woman's dress]
Janitor: Don't ruin it.