Elliot Quote #335
Carla: Thank you so much for letting me stay here, Elliot.
Elliot: Please. And I still have only one rule. I cannot talk or be talked to while I'm on the toilet. And I also cannot talk or be talked to by someone who's on the toilet.
Carla: You told me yesterday, Elliot. I get it.
Elliot: You say you get it and yet you still managed to knock this morning and ask if I wanted coffee.
Carla: Oh, I just thought that-
Elliot: Uh, buh-buh-buh-buh-buh. Pretend that never happened or I won't poo again for two months.
Quote from Dr. Cox
Dr. Cox: Mr. Warner, do you see what you've made me do by once again choosing to spend all of your free time out on the surface of the sun until melanoma has developed. You've forced me to pull the attending dermatologist away from his backne seminar and validate his most ridiculous of career choices. [Dr. Johnson squeals] Oh, God.
Mr. Warner: I just wanted to look good.
Dr. Cox: You, my friend, look so damned leathery, I'm honestly tempted to wrap you around a baseball, cinch you up with a belt and stick you under my mattress so that you're good and broken in for the big game on Sunday. But, since I'm here to heal, not judge, I'm gonna go ahead and write you a couple of prescriptions. You'll find that this first one is for an extra large mallet to help you pound some sense into yourself. The second one is for a big floppy hat that you're now to wear every single time you leave the house. Have a great day. You look like a purse.
Quote from Elliot
Elliot: What is going up with Turk? He doesn't even seem bummed out.
J.D.: I uplifted his spirits.
Elliot: How did you do that? Because Carla is just bottoming out, man. I mean, I'm not even supposed to be here at work today. I just came to use bathroom because she keeps violating the rule.
J.D.: Quiet on the crapper?
Elliot: Yeah. It's like she just stores everything up until my cheeks hit the seat. She thinks she's exempted from the rule. Nobody is exempted from the rule, J.D.
J.D.: Okay, it's okay. I'll never talk to you on the crapper.
Elliot: I can't afford to soundproof my bathroom.
Quote from My Dirty Secret
Dr. Kelso: Next contestant, Dr. Reid.
Elliot: Mr. Murdock was admitted with a COPD exacerbation; he responded well to antibiotics and bronchial dilators but he did develop a rash on his, um... private area.
Dr. Kelso: Sorry, on his what?
Elliot: His peepers.
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me?
Elliot: His schwing-schwong.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, it's bad enough you run out on a patient in the middle of a pelvic exam. But you are a doctor, and you need to be able to say simple clinical words like "penis," or "vagina," or "anal."
Elliot: "Anal" is not a dirty word, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Tell that to my wife.
Quote from My Friend the Doctor
Mr. Moran: Young lady, would it brighten your day any if I told you I thought you were the best damn doctor in this hospital?
Elliot: Mr. Moran, why couldn't my father be more like you? I mean, if I had a dollar for every time I got depressed and my dad didn't make me feel better- Actually, he did give me a dollar every time I got depressed. By the end of junior high, I already had a hundred and seventy bucks. And then got mugged and lost it all. But, by the end of that night, of course, I was back up to a dollar.