Tom: Joanie baby, I'm throwing a huge party tonight at Tom's Bistro. You gots to stop by.
Jean-Ralphio: You gots to stop by.
Joan Callamezzo: Will this medium drink of water be there?
Jean-Ralphio: The only reason I wouldn't be there is if I got pulled over... [sings] For violating my house arrest. Ah-boosh!
Joan Callamezzo: What?
Jean-Ralphio: Judge gave me two ankle bracelets, said it was the first time he ever had to do that. Uh, jah boy's a question on the bar exam. Yah-hey!
Tom: Anyway, Tom's Bistro, tonight, be there.

Tom: Ronald, I've done it. I've found your assistant, and he's dope. His name is Jean-Ralphio. Jean-Ralphio!
Jean-Ralphio: Big T.
Tom: What up?
Jean-Ralphio: Mr. Swanson, two things. One, it is an absolute honor to meet you. Two, who is that hot intern chick out there? Because honestly, damn!
Ron Swanson: Take a seat.
Jean-Ralphio: Right. Here we go.
Ron Swanson: So, Jean-Ralphio...
Jean-Ralphio: You got him right here. Leave a message after the beep.

Ron Swanson: Why do I want you as my assistant?
Jean-Ralphio: For starters, access to the illest clubs. And that's just for starters. I will work for you. I'll be on you 24/7. I'll be like your family. I'm here when you get here in the morning. Sure enough, I'll be there tucking you into bed at night. Don't worry, it's not gay. Do we have questions?
Tom: I think our only question is, when can you start?
Jean-Ralphio: Right now, let's do it!
Ron Swanson: Thank you for coming in. We will talk.
Jean-Ralphio: Cool. I feel good about this. And, you know, you can hit me up on Facebook anytime, day or night. You know that, right?

Jean-Ralphio: Tommy T, we got you everything you asked for. Ragaduk!
Tom: I didn't ask for flavored condoms.
Jean-Ralphio: No, no, no, that's just me looking out for you. See, girls get mad horny when you propose. That's why I do it all the time.

Tom: Rent-A-Swag shareholders: As you can see, your store is hoppin'. These kids are renting my old clothes like they're going out of style. [to camera] Which they never will.
Donna: Yeah, it's a lot of foot traffic, Tommy. I like it.
Mona-Lisa: Oh, "day-yay-yam," it is kind of a sausage party in here. For the record, would hit it, would hit, would hit. Hard pass. [laughs]
Ron Swanson: Tom, who is this... person?
Tom: This is Mona-Lisa Saperstein, my new sales associate.
Ben: Mona-Lisa Saperstein? Does that mean...
Jean-Ralphio: [sings] Oh, yeah she's my sister. My twin sister, from the same mister. Thank you so much for hiring Mona-Lisa. It means so much to me. Even though, honestly, she's... [sings] The wo-o-orst. She is the worst person in the world. Huge skank. Terrible. But thank you. It means a lot.
Tom: Of course. Got to keep it in the family.
Ben: Yeah, but does it have to be this family?

Tom: Now we have a special presentation, courtesy of the folks at Entertainment 7Twenty.
Jean-Ralphio: Hope you brought a change of clothes. 'Cause your eyes are about to piss tears.
Donna: You nasty.

Tom: How about this, Ron? Try Snakejuice. If you like it, you got to talk it up all night. If you don't, I'll shave Jean-Ralphio's head.
Ron Swanson: Yeah, I'd like to see that. Hit me. [drinks]
Jean-Ralphio: A lot riding on this.
Ron Swanson: Damn, if that isn't delicious.
Jean-Ralphio: "R" to the "o" to the n-n-n I say Swanson's got swagger the size of a Big Ben clock
Tom: Dude, you got to end it on the rhyme.
Jean-Ralphio: I know what I have to do.
Tom: You had it at "Ben."

Tom: So it looks like we'll each end up with about $5,000 apiece.
Jean-Ralphio: Stop. We get five g's each? That's amazing!
Tom: You started out with 450,000.
Jean-Ralphio: Remember when DJ Bluntz made us our own personal entrance beat?
Tom: Remember the opening night party when you danced so hard with Tess the receptionist and you broke one of your ribs?
Jean-Ralphio: It never healed properly. Every breath is agony. [laughs] Stop.

Ron Swanson: Looking forward to tomorrow.
Tom: Yes... About that. I was wondering, is there any chance we could reschedule? I just want to make sure everything is up to my world-class "standees."
Ron Swanson: I like to keep my appointments, son, and I like others to do the same.
Tom: Of course, yes. No problem, 8:00 a.m. tomorrow. I think you're gonna be very impressed with our presentation.
Ron Swanson: "Our presentation"? Who else is joining you?
Jean-Ralphio: Ricka ricka ricka ricka! [imitates DJ] Swanson.
Ron Swanson: Jean-Ralphio.
Jean-Ralphio: That's me.
Ron Swanson: I didn't realize you were a part of this.
Tom: Of course he is. He's my business partner.
Both: Shh! Clean!
Jean-Ralphio: Business partner, now and forever. Hold up! Forever 21. 21-gun salute. Salute your shorts. Kaboosh! I just free-associated all over the "mousse-tache."
Tom: That's just one of many skills he brings to this business partnership. What are those, shrimp? Ah! Okay.
Ron Swanson: Rethink that move, son.

Tom: [sighs] I can't figure out how to phrase this mission statement.
Jean-Ralphio: Let me get a shot at it. I'm actually pretty good at this stuff. See?
Tom: You just googled, "Amanda Bynes side boob." What's wrong with you?
Jean-Ralphio: What's wrong with you? Why is your SafeSearch on? That is amateur hour, Tom. Listen, we've been at this for an entire evening. I say, why don't we cut our losses? If it was such a good idea, we would be millionaires by now. Hello.
Tom: Look, man, I believe in this idea. Do you? You know I love you, but... I don't think you're as serious about this business as I am.
Jean-Ralphio: Oh, yeah, no, I'm definitely not.