Jean-Ralphio: This is it for certain, okay? I create a game show. Two people on stage, right? They flip a coin. One of them has to perform open-heart surgery. The other one has to receive open-heart surgery. We call it Open-Heart Surgery.
Tom: How about this? You buy a Gulfstream G-IV jet.
Jean-Ralphio: Already interested.
Tom: Take the wheels off.
Jean-Ralphio: Get 'em off of there.
Tom: Turn the jet into an apartment building. People could live inside their own private jet.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: We're currently coming up with business ideas for Jean-Ralphio 'cause as of today, his bank account is blowing up.
Jean-Ralphio: I made my money the old-fashioned way. [sings] I got run over by a Lexus.
Tom: I still can't believe you won all that money in the lawsuit. You barely got hurt at all.
Jean-Ralphio: Do you want to get run over? Because I know a guy. Super gentle. Minor scrapes and bruises, major dollars and cents.

Tom: I got it. What are you amazing at?
Jean-Ralphio: I know it. We both know it, let's just say it at the same time.
Both: Creating spectacles.
Jean-Ralphio: No, I got it.
Tom: You create Pawnee's first and only high-end, all-media entertainment conglomerate.
Jean-Ralphio: Absolutely. That's absolutely what I have to do. What does it mean?
Tom: It means audio, video, movies, 3-D movies, nightclubs, iPhone apps. If it's entertainment, you're involved.
Jean-Ralphio: Yes, of course I am.
Tom: And you call it... Entertainment 7Twenty.
Jean-Ralphio: No! Why? Why?
Tom: You gotta stop screaming.
Jean-Ralphio: I will, I just get excited. Why do we call it Entertainment 7Twenty?
Tom: 'Cause you're willing to go around the world twice for your clients.

Jean-Ralphio: You gotta join the company. I'm the bank. You're the money.
Tom: I know, J, but it'd be a big leap.
Jean-Ralphio: And I will take that leap with you. I'm Thelma, you're Louise. You can't die full of regret. Why don't you live your life like that cow from the video?
Tom: He was a horse.
Jean-Ralphio: Yeah. Because he followed his dreams.

Detlef Schrempf: So, Tom, what does this business do, again?
Tom: It's a multimedia entertainment production conglomerate.
Detlef Schrempf: I don't know, man. You have a lot of overhead here. Ever thought about scaling back a bit and focusing on building your client base?
Tom: [laughs] Thanks a lot, Forbes magazine. But we didn't hire you to give us business advice. We hired you to look pretty and shoot baskets. So why don't you head over there and do your thing? We want people to see you when they come in, Detlef.
[aside to camera:]
Jean-Ralphio: We may not have any clients yet, but we're about to blow up.
Tom: First you set up the pond, then you reel in the fish.
Jean-Ralphio: Big D, hit me! Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh. Come on.
Tom: We're living the dream.

Jean-Ralphio: Who are you?
Tom: Uh, this is Ben. He's here to help us with the paperwork.
Jean-Ralphio: Ben? Is that your real name?
Ben: Yes.
Jean-Ralphio: Oh, you could do better than that. I'ma help you out right now. Your name is Angelo. Angelo, thank you so much for coming out. Get a thicker tie. It looks weird on you. Makes your head look like a fish. Secondly, I don't know where the paperwork is, but when you find it, can you take care of it for us? We don't have any pens 'cause we're afraid it's gonna leak in our shirts. Lastly, I hate the name, Angelo. I'ma switch it up for you, right now. Your new nickname is... Jell-o shot. What do you think of that, J-shot? Do you have questions?
Ben: Yeah. Where are we?

Tom: So you're not pregnant? This isn't yours?
Mona-Lisa: [bleep], no. Do you know how many different pills I take, birth control or otherwise? There is no way that I could be pregnant with a human baby.
Tom: Thank God. Yes! Tommy has his life back! Let's go!
Jean-Ralphio: What the hell is wrong with you, man? That's my sister. Nah! I'm just kidding, man. She's the worst. You dodged a bullet, baby. Congratulations.
Tom: Thanks.

Tom: Maybe I should just throw in the towel. Your dad'll destroy me. I'll be left with nothing. Thought I was a better-looking version of Zuckerberg. Turns out I'm the better-looking version of the Winklevoss twins.
Jean-Ralphio: First of all, unbelievable analogy. Second of all, what are you talking about, man? You're Tommy Haverford! You're an idea man. When Babyface was your age, he hadn't even signed Toni Braxton yet, let alone Usher.
Tom: You're right. I mean, I'm basically Babyface.
Jean-Ralphio: You're basically Babyface!
Tom: Okay, I'm gonna keep going, and I'm gonna beat your dad.
Jean-Ralphio: That's what I'm talking about! And for me, it's a win-win either way. Either my best friend emerges triumphant, or my dad beats you, and I get all that money when he dies. I'm actually getting dinner with my dad right now. You want to come?
Tom: No!

Dr. Saperstein: What could you possibly need at 6:00 in the morning?
Ann: We couldn't read your writing, and we need to know the sex of our baby.
Dr. Saperstein: I'm watching cartoons with my son.
Jean-Ralphio: Daddy! An Elmer Fudd one is on! Stop it. Hey, what's up, beautiful? Jean-Ralphio. I live in the guesthouse. What do you say you and I get together in a special way?
Ann: I-I'm pregnant.
Jean-Ralphio: The more the merrier.
Chris: With my baby.
Jean-Ralphio: Well, you can come too, beautiful. Look at that. I guess sometimes I call men "beautiful" too. I guess I'm [singing] open-minded as hell. And I think you're pretty good-looking.
Chris: Thank you.

Ann: Can you just read that and tell us what the sex is, please?
Dr. Saperstein: Wow. It looks like the chicken that wrote this had a stroke on the paper. [laughter] Listen, I-I kind of remember. But I don't want to say anything that's wrong. Give me 15 minutes. I will get dressed. We'll go down to my office. Okay.
Jean-Ralphio: Well, have a good day at work today, daddy. Also, if you don't know already, there's a malfunction with the TV, where it keeps ordering porno, like, a ton of porno. Like, how can someone watch that much porno in one sitting? Only when you're out of the house. So if you see it on the bill, that's why. Okay?

Leslie Knope: Oh, my God, that was so sweet.
Jean-Ralphio: It really was. So what's your story again? I mean, like, how married are you? You down to clown? You in that rude mood?
Leslie Knope: Why are you like this?
Jean-Ralphio: Pills, baby! [laughs]