Jean-Ralphio: Swan song! What up, my man? Ow, are you kidding me?
Ron Swanson: Jean-Ralphio. I thought you and Tom were working on your presentation.
Jean-Ralphio: No, I decided it was best if I took my talents elsewhere. Do you know what I mean?
Ron Swanson: You abandoned your friend?
Jean-Ralphio: God, no. He fired me, straight up. Talked about how I wasn't serious enough about the project, how he needed to grow up. Anyway, I have an amazing investment idea for you. Condoms with pictures on them.
Ron Swanson: Pass.
Jean-Ralphio: Good. Smart. I think you made the right decision. Take care.

Mona-Lisa: Actually, that reminds me, [rhythmically] Ba-ba-ba-boss man... I need to leave early today because my shrink got me and him tickets to a Pitbull concert. And I already committed to that. And so if you say that I can't go, it's like you're taking something away from me.
Tom: Um, store's really busy. I kinda need you to stay.
Mona-Lisa: Mm-hmm. I totally hear you. Um, I also don't like what you're saying. So if you say no, I will start a fire in the bathroom.
Tom: Okay, I guess you can go.
Mona-Lisa: Yeah, I know I can. [giggles]
Jean-Ralphio: What did I tell you, huh? [sings] The wo-o-o-orst. [talks] She's the worst in the world. Jean-Ralphio. How are you?

Tom: So, I need to ask you something and I kinda wish Jean-Ralphio wasn't here.
Jean-Ralphio: Please tell me that you're dumping my sister, because I will laugh-- I will laugh so much.
Tom: Actually, it may be the opposite. Is this yours?
Jean-Ralphio: No, no.
Mona-Lisa: Yeah. It's mine. I'm pregnant.
Jean-Ralphio: Lemony Snicket. Oh, my God, are you serious? I'm gonna be an uncle? Is that a real thing? Is that gonna happen? No, no, that's too much-- Too much responsibility for me. I gotta--I gotta find another way out of this.
Tom: Well, I wish you told me. I mean, obviously, we need to talk about our future. Maybe I could sell the business, and we could use the profits to put a down payment on a house or something, or--
Mona-Lisa: Psych!
Jean-Ralphio: What?
Mona-Lisa: [laughter] Ah, ha, ha. Look at your stupid face.
Jean-Ralphio: You had a dumdum face.

Tom: What am I gonna do?
Jean-Ralphio: It's like I always say, okay? When life gives you lemons, you sell some of your grandma's jewelry, and you go clubbing.
Tom: That's not a good piece of advice.
Jean-Ralphio: So I'ma throw up. I ate too much cheese. I'll talk to you!
Tom: [sighs] I need some better friends.

Tom: Opening of Tom's Bistro was a disaster. So, what? This is America. And America's the land of second chances. And now we have one night, one after-party, to make the world realize that Tom's Bistro is where miracles can happen!
Craig: Thomas, I have to work all day at the Unity Concert. If you're gonna pull this off, we need more people!
Tom: I know, and I didn't wanna do this, but I called in some reinforcements.
Jean-Ralphio: Did someone call for a party zoo?
Mona-Lisa: [meowing]
Tom: Take these VIP invitations, find all the A-list peeps at the concert, and get them to the restaurant tonight.
Jean-Ralphio: I like your energy, hombre. What do you say you and I ride go-karts later?
Craig: I wanna go horseback riding!
Jean-Ralphio: Deal.

Jean-Ralphio: "K" to the "N" to the O-P-E She's the dopest little shorty in all Pawnee, Indiana
Tom: Why didn't you just stop at "Pawnee"?

Jean-Ralphio: T-pain, this guy bothering you?
Tom: This is my boss.
Jean-Ralphio: Okay, yeah. You want me to write a rap about your name?
Chris: Yes.
Jean-Ralphio: "B" to the "o" to the double "s" Do what he say, and you'll be success...ful

Jean-Ralphio: So what's next, Tommy Davidson? I say we invest our ten large and then I "accidentally" get run over by a city bus. and we start our own hip-hop label.
Tom: Listen, we could play it safe. But that's not what e720 is all about.
Jean-Ralphio: No, it is not.
Tom: We have this place for one more night, right?
Jean-Ralphio: We're outtie tomorrow at noon.
Tom: What if we took every dime we had left, threw one last party. Made it the essence of everything we wanted the company to be. A party... For the end of the world.
Jean-Ralphio: Shh! You had me at "every dime we have left." Because I'm in like Lara Flynn... Boyle... from The Practice.
Both: Dilly dilly dilly dilly dilly dilly dilly swag!