Cece: Hey! Okay, so you guys are kind of bringing the bar vibe down, and I need tips, so... pretend that you're having fun or pay for me to go to college.
Schmidt: You know, if I could give that poor man some of my penis, I would. But, obviously, you don't pull a bumper off a Ferrari.
Cece: It did go fast, I'll give it that. [Coach snorts]
Schmidt: You know, when I look at that picture, I think to myself, "Is there a God? And if-if there is, did he run out of clay?"

Schmidt: Yeah, no, nobody gets rowdy like us Romney boys. Just a bunch of alphas, you know what I mean?That is, of course, unless we're fishing on Lake Winnipesauke. There's nothing that I love more than just getting out on the water with Dad, the freezing cold dawn, a couple of cold beers in hand. Having that one quick moment...
Courtney: Your dad doesn't drink. He's a Mormon.
Schmidt: Well, we don't drink the beers, Courtney. You know, we just buy them to support American breweries. Then we dump them in the lake. 'Cause we're Americans.

Schmidt: Are-are you spelling it right? Two "G"s, silent "B."
Megan: Here's a picture of the whole family. And you are not in it.
Schmidt: Yeah, well, somebody had to take the picture, Megan.
Courtney: Just admit it. You're not a Romney.
Schmidt: Oh, I'm not a Romney? Would a non-Romney know this? That Ma and Pa never go to bed angry. That there are 16 grandchildren, Allie, Joe, Thomas, Gracie, Wyatt, Parker, Miles, Jonathan, Sawyer, Nate, Nash, Mia, Owen, Soleil, Nick and Chloe.
Megan: Those are just facts you got from the Internet.
Schmidt: I'm proud to be a Romney. Okay? I'm proud to have had a dad that was around when I was growing up. A dad that took me camping, a dad that spent Saturdays with me, throwing... throwing the football. A dad that gave me a wink when I left for prom night and said, "Be safe, son." When I think of a dad like that, I'm proud not only of the Romney name, but of this country. God bless Mitt Romney. God bless America.
April: It's a candid shot from the governor's biography. The caption says, "The whole family."
Schmidt: Nitpicking turns me off. You're all horribly unattractive to me. Tugg Romney, out.

Schmidt: That liver spot out-sharked me. Can you believe that? I'm-I'm a minnow. Tomorrow, Ed is gonna present my idea to the board, and then he's gonna get the get the promotion. My career is toast. Minnow toast. Yeah, well, I tip my hat to him. The minnow tips his tiny hat to the shark, and then lays down on the toast to be eaten.
Cece: There is too much going on in whatever metaphor you're trying. Okay? It's too busy.
Cece: Somewhat made se- Oh, forget it.
Schmidt: Oh, forget it. Ed wins. I'm a mess.
Winston: Hell, no, Schmidt. Justice has to be served, all right?
Cece: Mm-hmm.
Schmidt: Right. Let us stop Ed. The minnow needs to get up off of... No, off of the toast mat and fish-fight his way to the orangutan ball.

Schmidt: Ah. Jess, thank you. You know, I haven't had two hours of uninterrupted sleep since a month ago when Cece made me watch An Inconvenient Truth.

Schmidt: These rings are the first of a dozen accessories that are gonna unify the bridal party. As you can see from my preliminary vision board, our wedding will borrow equally from the holy trinity of Liz Taylor, Jackie O and The Power Gays.
Cece: Oh, I'm scared.
Winston: You should be.

Schmidt: This is a big part of the biz, my man. Networking, face time, making deals. Normally, this would have a much sexier, businessman's vibe. But not when I'm dragging around this old drooling potato.
Ed: "Potata"? Yeah, I can split a baked "potata".
Schmidt: What a life you must have lead. Tell us about the street car, will you?
Ed: Oh, it was a dynamite way to get around.

Schmidt: Kim, if I may, uh, present an idea very quickly to the group. While I know...
Ed: Micro-marketing.
Schmidt: What?
Ed: Has this company ever considered targeting its message to individual consumers? Big data's knocking. [knocks on table] Let's open the door. Just a thought.
Kim: Yeah, interesting. Ed, look into that and present it to the board asap. Great job. I'd hug you, but you smell like a public library.
Schmidt: What are you doing?
Ed: I may be dirty, but I play old.
Schmidt: You said that wrong.
Ed: And yet I got my paw wrapped around your "avacadas".
Schmidt: What is with you and "avacadas"?

Schmidt: All right, let me see the new. I accept it.
Cece: Again, it was just a consultation. And actually, I don't even know if I'm gonna go through with it.
Schmidt: You're still here. I saved you. I'm your Schindler. One day, your children are gonna put rocks on my grave.

Schmidt: Are you serious? How do you look this good under fluorescent lights?
Cece: I am so, so sorry. Okay? This is all my fault. I thought... What happened?
Schmidt: [clears throat] Yeah, um... this is embarrassing. I broke my penis.
Cece: You what?
Schmidt: I broke my penis. Things got... I mean, just out of control with Nadia last night. And there was like this one moment where it was just blinding pain. And then there was another moment where I was like watching myself watch myself... I think I finally understand what The Tree of Life is about. And I can't be certain of this, but I'm almost positive that Nadia's vagina contains a right angle.