Schmidt: Well, I guess I'll call Yonk and tell him to get cozy. [groans] Ugh, I can hear Yonk now. [with accent] "Mr. Schmidt, I got thirsty. I drank all your coconut water." Freakin' Yonk.

Schmidt: So, it's my birthday.
Jess: Right now?
Schmidt: Right now.
Jess: Happy birthday.
Schmidt: Happy birthday, Schmidt. I'm 29, folks. What's up? 29! 29! [laughs] Can you please not tell anybody I just did that? That feels embarrassing. Actually, you know what? I don't care what people think. Do you think I care too much about what people think, Jess?
Jess: Maybe a little bit.
Schmidt: Maybe.

Schmidt: What the hell?
Cece: What?
Schmidt: Why am I sparkly?
Cece: Sparkly? You bought the bronzer with glitter in it.
Schmidt: Cece, please, you gotta help me, Ce... Fawn's gonna kill me!
Cece: Okay, just don't get too expressive. You'll crease!
Schmidt: So stupid! I feel like I'm trying to get into an 18-and-under club in Tucson!

Schmidt: Oh, what are you doing? I almost hit you with this brushed steel modern lamp.