Dr. Perry: Well, based on your credit score, we'd like to welcome you to Sequoia Community College.
Luke: Oh, thank you!
Dr. Perry: And once your walk through one of our 15 TSA-approved metal detectors, anything is possible.
Luke: How hard is it?
Dr. Perry: Well, most of our students report about 10 to 15 hours of homework a week in addition to class time.
Luke: That sounds like real college.
Dr. Perry: This is a real college. And it's a lot of hard work. But, you put in your two years here, then transfer to a real- to a four-year college and you will land an entry-level job. Nothing too glamorous, but you pay your dues, climb the ladder. By the time you're 45, you're living in a three-bedroom house with a picket fence!
Luke: Wow!
[aside to camera:]
Luke: Three-bedroom house with a picket fence? Already got one of those. Plus, free meals, laundry, and cable. I am living the dream. You know what I say? "Whom needs college?"

Luke: Elbow patches? Did you burn through another blazer at Benihana's?

Paige: For starters, my grandmother's ravioli.
Luke: It looks amazing. I've been saving some occasion wine in my room. The grape character on the box is saying "Mamma Mia!" so it should go well with Italian.

Luke: What are you roasting on the space heater?
Claire: Oh, I threw those cards in the trash. They got all soggy.
Luke: Even Uncle Cam's?
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Luke: You have to save those for seven years, like tax returns.

Phil: I just Googled her, I didn't find anything.
Luke: A looker like that with no online presence? Makes you wonder what she's hiding.
Phil: You don't think she's dangerous, do you?
Luke: Everybody has a breaking point. But she's probably okay. I mean, she's not Lily. [chuckles]

[aside to camera:]
Luke: I told Janice I'm 21. I'm pretty sure she'd break up with me if she found out I wasn't even legal yet. Then she asked if I'd buy wine for dinner tonight.
[cut to Luke presenting Alex's ID at a liquor store:]
Cashier: Mind moving your thumb... Alexandra?
Luke: That's what that's short for?

Luke: Hey, happy Halloween!
Phil: It was until your mother ruined it.
Claire: Oh, he's just mad because he tried to scare me and he couldn't. I'm tough to scare.
Luke: My girlfriend's pregnant.
Phil: No!
Claire: Phil. She's our age. If she was pregnant, it'd be on the news. But good one.

Luke: Dad, I want you to know I love your pancake shooter.
Phil: Have you seen the updates... to... the Insta-Cold straw?
Luke: You should be on a stamp.
Claire: Has that ever not electrocuted someone?
Phil: Sometimes you have to shock a few people before you shock the world.
Luke: That should go on your stamp.
Claire: Okay, stop flattering your dad. You're not dropping out of school.

Phil: It's an amazing idea. Okay. But why didn't he come to me?
Luke: Because you love everything I do. I wanted to make sure this was actually a good idea.
Phil: That is so smart. How is someone this handsome...
Luke: Okay, this is what I'm talking about. I love inventing with you, but this is a business. And Scooter has a lot of experience. That doesn't take away from all of the things that we've made together. All of that stuff brought me here.
Phil: Really?
Luke: You can't spell FormFiller without Phil.
Claire: But you know you can, right?
Luke: The man's hurting. I'm throwing him a bone.

Luke: I couldn't talk to Sherry before the show, so I had to sit through it. The first sketch was so bad, I tried to bail, but they locked the doors. Then she walked on the stage... or should I say, the first octopus President
walked on stage.
[flashback:]
Luke: [laughs] Look. She's signing eight bills at once. [laughs]
Sherry: And I'll never run out of ink.
[back:]
Luke: Her performance was a Tour de France. She was like a hot, girl version of my dad.