Luke: What kind of gym bag is that, anyway?
Manny: It's a satchel, you ignorant sneeze.
Luke: You have been so unpleasant lately.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: On a definitely related note, Manny hasn't gotten any action in months. Well, other than whatever gave him carpal tunnel. Luckily, The Prescott has an '80s aerobi-cise class, which will be full of single older ladies. Women hit a sweet spot right after 40 where they still look great but their standards have lowered.

Luke: Still no sign of the ladies.
Manny: Maybe they're in a different cabana. Mine's here.
Luke: Let's wait for the blonde. I only know how to do this with even numbers.

Alex: I-I just took a huge salary cut. So it is really not a good time for me to move.
Luke: Me neither. I just took a leave of absence from work to spend more time with my family.

Phil: Oh! Son of a Brisket! Why does that keep happening? Maybe I need a nail gun.
Luke: Okay, that's it! I'm out!
Phil: What do you mean, you're out? Where are you going?
Luke: Dad, no offense, but I've seen you with a glue gun. I think a nail is gonna be harder to get out of my hair.

Luke: Is that Mom's apron?
Phil: It's an apron. It's unisex. Some of the world's greatest chefs are men.
Luke: But it's bumped out where the boobs go.

Manny: Penny for your thoughts?
Luke: Boobs.
Manny: Me too! What's our problem? I freaked out when those things came at us.
Luke: I think I could've handled one, but they ganged up on me.

Lily: What do you think's in here?
Luke: No one told you the legend of the forgotten boy? Happened right here a hundred years ago.
Manny: A boy was very bad, and his parents locked him in this secret room and left him here forever.
Luke: They say at night, you can hear him trying to scratch his way out.
Manny: We got her.
Lily: Idiots.
Luke: That was you scratching, right?

Luke: What? I'm gonna learn all this in three months?
Phil: You're a quick study. Look at how fast you learned magic. I got a home movie of you pulling an impossibly long chain of baby wipes out of your diaper.
Luke: Okay, I was 5 in a diaper. That's not really a sign of a quick learner.