Gloria: [aside to camera] I really wanted to trust that Joe was wearing his eye patch, but after finding it in the garbage, I had to make sure. I didn't want him to mess up his vision. I think it's a big problem in this country. Everywhere I look, there are men with googily eyes.

Claire: I don't remember buying these fresh peaches. Aah!
Phil: Apologies, Serge. My wife, Claire, seems to have forgotten that I'm holding office hours for my Intro to Real Estate class here at home.
Claire: So, when I walked to the laundry room minutes ago in my bra...
Phil: That was kind of perfect, actually. I had just made a point about how buildings from the early '70s were holding up surprisingly well.

Maria: Hey, Mr. Pritchett. I'll take this when you're ready.
Jay: Thank you, Maria.
Cameron: Oh, Maria, that's a beautiful name. That's why it's often sung.
Mitchell: But you're not going to...
Cameron: ♪ Ave Maria ♪
Mitchell: And curtain. Okay, they just started letting gays in here. Don't make them regret it.
Jay: You might also wanna tell Sharona to steer clear of the table.