Claire: [aside to camera] As bad as I wanted Dylan out, I wasn't gonna flinch. Phil needed to do it. He needed to be as tough as that eagle on the Internet. Dumb otter never saw it coming.

Claire: Can you believe how conscientious our little girl has become? Racing off to work on a Saturday. There's a 30% chance she thinks it's Friday, but still...

Claire: We got to keep our eyes peeled for kids trying to bring alcohol in here. I cannot make it through this thing without a drink.

Shirl Chambers: Claire, I'm so glad you called. How come we've never done this before?
Claire: Because we were born into a feud. Hatfields and McCoys, the Sharks and Jets, the the closet lunatic and the closet idiot.

Anne: Let's see, you said your daughter's doing research in Antarctica.
Claire: Yes.
Anne: Any chance we could meet the rest of the clan?
Claire: [chuckles] Um...
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Hell, no. This was for the cover of Corner Office Magazine. I mean, that's basically Vogue for female CEOs. Lately, my family has seemed more suited to a gator-farm billboard.

Luke: Don't cry, Mom.
Claire: I am not crying. Let me fill you in on a little secret, Luke. When I met your dad, I was fun too. But I had to give all that up, because you can't have two fun parents. That's a carnival. You know that kid Liam who wears pajama pants to school and pays for things with a hundred-dollar bill? Two fun parents. Mark my words. Mm-hmm.

Claire: [aside to camera] Your kids don't need to know who you were before you had them. They need to know who you wish you were and they need to try to live up to that person. They're gonna fall short. But better they fall short of the fake you than the real you.
Phil: Which is why we don't hide anything.
Claire: That is the opposite of what I just said.
Phil: I was not listening.

Claire: I can't believe how relieved I am.
Phil: Me, too. I'm just texting the kids.
Claire: It's like at a certain age, "it's probably nothing" becomes "it's probably nothing." Like they add italics at 40.

Claire: [aside to camera] Yeah, of course I want Luke to be successful. But I don't think that a parent can just force that. I think you just have to have faith that the kid's gonna find his own way. [sighs] Besides, Luke already is the best at something: being my son. [chuckles] It sounded a lot less lame in my head.

Claire: You heard how she said that, right? "Yes". She thought Luke was the weird one. Luke.
[cut to:]
Gloria: Her kid gets his head stuck in the furniture, and Manny is the different one.
[back:]
Claire: Our son is not weird. I will tell you what's weird, is that her kid wears aftershave and dresses like a count.