Phil: Morning, honey. Don't mind all the Caltech gear. I figured I'd surprise Alex at school and take her to lunch.
Claire: Surprise her? At the end of the semester? Honey, she's probably in the middle of exams. She's gonna be... thrilled.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Have you ever seen a video of yourself wearing something you didn't realize was unflattering? Well, that happened to me recently, and... it was my personality.

Claire: So, that's pretty much... 25 years of uninterrupted crazy. Then, when it ends... it ends.
Phil: Until our next chapter. I'm just brainstorming here, but, uh... maybe we take a long-delayed RV trip across the United States, get selfies with all the Major League baseball mascots.
Claire: I must really love you, 'cause that sounds fun. [voice breaking] They're really leaving. What do we do?
Phil: What people have always done. Leave the porch light on. They come back.

Phil: I think you're forgetting that I power-walk every morning and that I wear my special shoes with the big soles, which were designed by a doctor.
Claire: Yes, I know. But I run every day.
Phil: You really think you can run as fast as me?
Claire: No, Phil, I think I can run much, much faster... Than you.

Claire: Why does everything have to be so hard with you? Why can't you just be a normal, old grandma? You come in here It's some sort of sick game for you to just push people and push people and push people and see how far you can push them, until finally, look at me, you win! You win! I'm screaming at a princess party, Mom!
Phil: Claire.
Claire: I'm screaming at a princess party.

Haley: Do I really have to go to this thing?
Phil: Yes. You're a big part of today. You're my support staff.
Haley: Then why am I not getting paid?
Claire: Mmm. That is a good question. And I think I'm gonna text you the answer on that cell phone we pay for.

Claire: Do you have a Chinese character on your bruise?
Mitchell: Yeah, it's probably an imprint from the intruder's ring. He was- I'm sure he was in a gang of some sort.
Cameron: Just give it up, Mitchell. He knocked himself out with some nunchucks that I confiscated as acting vice principal.
Claire: Oh, my God! Kung Sue is back. Daddy, did you hear that?