Claire: [on FaceTime] I can't believe she's pregnant.
Phil: Let's not jump to any conclusions.
Claire: Jump? Let's review. She's been moody, eating weird food, getting nauseous. She left in the middle of the night for a wedding chapel in Vegas with her secret love and most suspicious of all she bought a book!

Claire: Honey, there's no one there.
Phil: There was. I saw girl bumps and hair.
Claire: It was probably just his Chewbacca doll.
Phil: It's not a doll. It's a plush action figure.
Claire: Well, as long as he's sleeping with that thing, it's the only action he's gettin'.

Phil: "How about we meet at Le Reve at 7:30?"
Claire: That sounds innocent enough- I mean- drinks with an ex-girlfriend at an intimate French restaurant.
Phil: Honey, you're doing that thing where you say what I want you to say but your tone seems mean.
Claire: Let me guess. Denise isn't married.
Phil: Recently divorced. What's the big deal?
Claire: Come on, Phil. You can't be that naive. Seriously, women in their 30s on the Internet are like- they're like ninjas. They get into their little black outfits and try and sneak their way into your marriage.

Alex: Luke got his head stuck in the banister again.
Phil: I got it. Where's the babyoil?
Claire: It's on our bedside tab- I don't know, find it.

Alex: Mom, I am so, so sorry. I know it's no excuse, but I've been feeling a lot of pressure at school. You know, with friends. And I love you so much, and I appreciate everything you do for me. I'm still your little girl.
Claire: Oh, honey! That was so sweet.
Alex: Can I get $20? A bunch of us are going to a movie, and we're gonna get something to eat afterwards. Jenna's brother's gonna take us home.
Claire: Okay. Of course. Sweetie, you know what? Take 40.
Alex: Oh, my gosh.
Claire: Yeah. That's right.
Alex: Thanks, Mom.
Claire: Go on. Have a great time. [loudly] Oh, Alex, honey? When you're out shopping, you might wanna pick yourself up a training bra. I know you don't need one now, but your little boobies are gonna come in soon. Mommy loves you, kitten! Mwah! Mwah! [to herself] Teach her to screw with me.

Claire: Hey, um, what the hell is this?
Officer Blevin: This zone is for loading and unloading, not for talking on the phone.
Claire: Yeah, I know, but I was talking on the phone to the school that my kids were about to come out of, so...
Officer Blevin: Are you aware this zone has a time limit?
Claire: N-no, I'm not.
Officer Blevin: Wow.
Claire: You know what? I do want to do some unloading. I know your type. Life has been bad to you. It has made you feel small. And then one day somebody gives you a fake cop outfit, a toy badge and a little spongebob tie. Suddenly it's payback time, right? Well, I got news for you, "Law & Order: Special Parking Unit," [rips ticket] not my fault.

Gloria: Ugh. I want to be so mad at him, but he's right. I have two brains in my body, but I've never been so dumb.
Claire: It happens. I get it. You have another human being inside of you, competing for resources. Look, when I was pregnant with Alex, I could barely remember my name.
Gloria: Same with Haley and Luke?
Claire: Mm, not so much. They kind of just hung out in there, let me do my thing.

Claire: [aside to camera] Raising a kid is like sending a rocket ship to the moon. You spend the early years in constant contact, and then one day, around the teenage years, they go around the dark side and they're gone. All you can do is wait for that faint signal that says they're coming back. I think Haley is sending me that signal.
Phil: [clears throat] And?
Claire: And Phil gave me that analogy.

Claire: By the way, we couldn't get the powder room fixtures you wanted.
Cameron: What? Why?
Claire: Well, they're 23%, or $982, over the budget. Keeping in mind, that space is only 12% of 1,462 square feet.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Whenever I need to rein in Cam's spending, I employ something that I like to call "the number dump."
[back:]
Claire: So unless you wanna cut 16%, or $1,764 from somewhere in the flooring budget, we've gotta find another 4% overall.
Cameron: Yeah. No, as long as they're pretty, it's fine. It's fine.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Yesterday, I accidentally said "eleventy-five."

Claire: I remember it like it was yesterday, the day that Mitchell came home from the hospital in a very unfashionable white diaper with three strands of scraggly Raggedy Andy hair. We were inseparable. I was his big sister, his big brother, his nemesis, his protector, his best friend. I was his first partner. And I loved every minute of it. So naturally, I was a little picky when it came to who was going to be replacing me. And then I met this Cam. And sure, he was warm and funny and loving. I wondered, "Was he really everything I wanted for my brother? "Was he really the best person?" No, I'm the best person. And now I am very pleased to raise a glass and introduce for the first time ever, on our fourth try, great husbands, Mitch and Cam.