Mitchell: Huh.
Cameron: Well, you know, there are 30 different ways to say "I'm sorry" in Russian.
Mitchell: I'm sorry. Maybe I was being paranoid.
Cameron: Apology accepted, and I'm sorry for calling your lovemaking mechanical. I actually really like your shy, school teacher character.

Lily: Sometimes when you read to me, I pretend to fall asleep so you'll go.
Cameron: [wails]
Jay: I heard that one.
Cameron: Well, I heard you all loud and clear. I have to use the restroom.
Phil: So, Cam, you're sensitive. Big deal. It's one of your best qualities.
Cameron: Thank you Phil. And I'm sorry your Beyonce-loving wife went to Luke's game without you. [pulls handle off door] See? Farm strong!

Brad: Oh, hey, speaking of art, you're so lucky to live right around the corner from the museum. Who was your favorite artist in the postimpressionist show?
Cameron: Uh... Uh, w... I mean, gun to my head? I would say...
Brad: Gauguin, perhaps?
Cameron: To the exhibit? Yes. In a heartbeat. Uh, you know, actually, I'm thinking about going today. Would you guys care to join?

Cameron: Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, Dwight has one of the most important games of the season next week and I can't have you getting him sick.
Alex: Yeah, I'm over the mono.
Cameron: But it could still be contagious, and I have a fun costume idea for you. How about being an old-timey bank robber? You gotta cover that face before the marshal gets to town.

Gloria: Maybe I'll just take Manny and Joe to Colombia this summer.
Mitchell: I think that's a great idea. I really think that keeping in touch with your heritage only enriches our culture.
Cameron: Absolutely. I think we would all be better off if people would go back to where they came from.
[The entire restaurant stops and stares at Mitchell and Cameron]
Mitchell: I- I'll pull the car around.
Cameron: Yes.

Mitchell: Uh, you're pretty nonchalant about our family pet dying. And shouldn't we help our daughter process this loss?
Cameron: Yes, we will, and she'll be fine. And it's not nonchalant. It's farm life. Death is everywhere. You just learn to not get too attached to anything.
Mitchell: Oh, so, what, if I were to die, you would just wait a few weeks and then replace me?
Cameron: Of course not. Where would I find another gay Mitchell with your exact markings?

Phil: Sunday dinner! What?!
Cameron: The Turkish ambassador's bodyguard was instructed to neutralize anyone who looks suspicious. Ustten!
Phil: What?
Cameron: It's Turkish for "from the top." I have a lot of downtime while you're resetting.

Cameron: [aside to camera] Sal is our very best friend in the whole wide world. The reason we love her so much is she has absolutely no inhibitions.
Mitchell: No.
Cameron: And that's before she starts drinking. Hanging out with her is like an Amsterdam Saturday night every day of the week.
Mitchell: And, ironically, Sal's not allowed back into Amsterdam.
Cameron: Any day of the week.

Cameron: Okay, I speak a little Spanish. Senor, ¿Te gustaría hacer agua y tener nuestra cama? [Would you like to make water and have our bed?]
Gardener: Gracias.
Mitchell: What was that?
Cameron: I just asked him if he wanted to have a glass of water and sit down for a minute, like any kind person would.
[The gardener, still sobbing, goes into Cameron and Mitch's bedroom and closes the door]

Cameron: Need me to get you out of there?
Mitchell: This thing is not safe, Cam.
Cameron: Move to the back of the castle.
Mitchell: Yeah. No. I know the drill. Don't carry me out this time. I think it sends the wrong message to Lily.
Cameron: Well, the neighbors enjoy it.