Cameron: She's gonna tell me how to dress? She oughta stick to things she knows more about like overcooking salmon.
Mitchell: Okay, wait. So she actually said that you don't look good in bicycle shorts.
Cameron: Yes.
Mitchell: You don't look good in bicycle shorts.
Cameron: Madness.

Cameron: Okay, this is not really about the scones.
Mitchell: Oh, really? You didn't need help carrying six scones?
Cameron: No, this is about your need to correct everyone's every little mistake.
Mitchell: I am sorry. I thought that she could use a basic biology lesson.
Cameron: Well, let me give you a basic biology lesson: You and I can't make a baby. So if she points to a lamp and calls it "Uncle George," what are you gonna say?
Mitchell: "Pleased to meet you, Uncle George."
Cameron: Very good. Now let's get out there, smile, nod, and get ourselves a baby.

Mitchell: Hey, fiancé?
Cameron: Hello, my intended.
Mitchell: That one sounds a little murdery.
Cameron: You are my intended.
Mitchell: Stop it. Stop it!

Cameron: Hey, everybody, you remember my sister, Pam.
Claire: Oh, hi, Pam.
Cameron: She's here to pay a visit and cast aspersions.
Pam: Oh, grow up.
Cameron: You grow up.
Pam: Real good one. Hi, y'all. I brought boar.

Mitchell: To us, alone at last.
Cameron: We both look very handsome tonight.
Mitchell: You know, if you- If you'd just said that I looked handsome, I would have said, "So do you."
Cameron: I couldn't take that chance. I wanted to get off on the right foot.

Cameron: How was lunch?
Mitchell: Oh, it was fine. Hey, when did salmon become a thing that we put on salad?
Cameron: 2008 in the city, 2011 in the suburbs.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Then it hit me. It could be therapeutic for Cam to see this ridiculously named circus person who deserted him because that incident could be the very root of his pretty intense abandonment issues, which are not unchallenging.
[flashback to Mitchell getting out of bed in the middle of the night:]
Cameron: Where are you going?
Mitchell: To the bathroom.
Cameron: Well, have a nice life.

Cameron: Oh, hey, Chatty-Cathys, heads up. Possible 10-99 right over here.
Officer Stablitzky: What?
Cameron: Couple low lifes over there exchanging cash-money.
Officer Stablitzky: That's because it's a newsstand. And I'm pretty sure a 1099 is a tax form.
Cameron: Oh, yeah, well, what isn't a form these days? School board's got me buried in paperwork. I gotta get three John Hancocks just to take a leak. We're the same, see?

Cal: [chewing gum, mumbling indistinctly]
Cameron: What? What is it, boy?
Cal: [mumbling indistinctly]
Cameron: Mitchell? H-He's in trouble? Trapped in a hole? Show me.

Mitchell: And, by the way, it's not like your family doesn't have a wayward streak, okay? Pam's not exactly responsible.
Cameron: Oh, I'm sorry. Could an irresponsible woman win her prison's "Most Improved Wrestler" award?