Mike: So you like the beer?
Ross: I do. I do. Although, it's actually a lager.
Mike: Huh. What's the difference between beer and lager?
Ross: I don't know. We could look it up.
Mike: Things are about to get wild.

Mike: You can't keep a rat in your apartment. They're extremely unsanitary. I mean, they transmit leptospirosis and hantavirus.
Phoebe: What are those?
Mike: I don't know but they don't sound like spa treatments.

Phoebe: Mon, not that you didn't sound good-
Monica: Good? Didn't you hear them? I was great. Thank you so much for making me do this. That is the best gift ever.
Mike: Also a good gift: Underwear.

Mike: It's just, my first marriage was you know, such a disaster that I kind of lost faith in the whole idea.
Phoebe: Was it that bad?
Mike: At one point, near the end she deliberately defecated on my-
Phoebe: Okay, well, that's bad.

Mike: Look, if I want to see Phoebe, and she-
Monica: This doesn't concern you!
Mike: Sorry. I guess I was thrown off by the mention of my name.

Phoebe: But just so you know- However and whenever you decide to propose, I promise I'll say yes. Whether, you know, it's at a basketball game or in skywriting or, you know, like some lame guy in a cheesy movie who hides it in the cake. It's in the cake, isn't it?
Mike: Where else would lame Mr. No Balls hide it?

Phoebe: What's the matter with me? Why do I keep ruining this? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Mike: No, it's my fault. I keep trying to propose in these stupid ways and all I want to do is tell you I love you, and I wanna spend the rest of my life with you- I'm gonna do this now.
Phoebe: Oh, my God.
Mike: Phoebe, l-
Phoebe: Wait. Oh, wait. Oh, no.
Mike: Ready?
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Mike: Phoebe, I love you. There's no one else in the world I would ask to marry me three times.
But I want to take care of you, have babies with you and grow old with you. Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me?
Phoebe: Yes.
Mike: I love you.
Phoebe: I love you more.
Mike: Not possible. She's gonna be Mrs. No Balls!

Phoebe: We're back.
Charity Clerk: Are you here to take more money? Because I think what you're looking for is an ATM.
Mike: No, no, we're here to give the money back.
Phoebe: Yeah. Because you know what? It's all about the children. Although it's also about the wedding. Ugh. All right, here. No. Oh, God.
Charity Clerk: If I haven't said so already, sir, congratulations.
Mike: Okay, look, enough, all right? I'm stepping in and putting my foot down. As your future husband, I'm gonna make this decision for us. What do you think we should do?

Rita: Oh, hey, how are you?
Phoebe: Oh, hi, Rita. Rita is a massage client.
Rita: Yeah.
Mike: Oh, why don't you introduce me?
Phoebe: Rita, this my husband.
Mike: Why don't you tell her my name?
Phoebe: Okay, I will. This is- This is my husband, Crap Bag.
Rita: Crap Bag.
Mike: If you need an easy way to remember it, just think of a bag of crap.
Rita: Okay. Excuse me.

Mike: Oh, hey, I wanted to ask you about Monica's little "groomie" joke.
Phoebe: Well, I think the reason people laughed is that it's a play on the word "roomie."
Mike: I get the joke. Sophisticated as it was.