Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The One with the Memorial Service’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Memorial Service

917. The One with the Memorial Service

Aired March 13, 2003

A prank between Chandler and Ross involving their college alumni website escalates. Meanwhile, Phoebe asks Monica to help her get over Mike, and Joey is unhappy sharing his childhood toy, Hugsy, with Emma.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Let me see what you wrote about yourself. "Doctor of paleontology, two kids." Wait a second. You split with Carol because you had different interests? I think you split with Carol because you had one very similar interest.

Rate

Quote from Chandler

Ross: I'm dead and no one cares?
Monica: I look like a man?
Chandler: Please, one ridiculous problem at a time.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: Maybe we finish this for him. Also, I cloned a dinosaur in my lab. She is now my girlfriend. I don't care what society says, it's the best sex I've ever had. And send.
Joey: No, no- You can't do that to him.
Ross: All right, let's go.
Joey: Dude.
Ross: I think you made it clear you can't be trusted with the ball inside the house.
Joey: And send.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: I'm dead?
Chandler: And so young.
Ross: Posting that I died? That really isn't funny.
Chandler: Well, how you died was funny.
Ross: Oh, please. Hit by a blimp?
Chandler: It kills over one Americans every year.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Look, Monica, I really appreciate you checking in on me. But I'm actually feeling a lot better.
Monica: You are?
Phoebe: Yeah, I just kind of want to be alone right now.
Monica: Who's that?
Phoebe: I ordered Chinese food. What are the chances?! One billion Chinese people, and they send Mike.

Quote from Ross

Chandler: You're not gonna actually send these out, are you?
Ross: Actually, no. I don't need to, because your little "Ross is dead" joke didn't work. Okay? There were no responses. Nobody posted anything on the website, nobody called my parents, so the joke, my friend, is on you. Nobody called, nobody wrote anything, nobody cares that I'm dead.

Quote from Ross

Kori: I thought so many times about calling him and asking him out. I guess I really missed my chance.
Ross: No, you didn't! I'm still alive! Kori, I know this is a big surprise for you. It's a long story. But the things you just said really made my day. The fact that you're here means more to me than if this room were filled with people.
Kori: You sick freak! Who does that? I can't believe I had a crush on you.
Ross: Did you hear that? Kori Weston had a crush on me!

Quote from Ross

Ross: No, Mom, I am not dead. I know it's not something to kid about. It was just a practical joke between Chandler and me, but it's over, okay? Actually, no. Even if I had died, you would not be left childless. Monica?

Quote from Chandler

Ross: I have sex with dinosaurs?
Chandler: I believe I read that somewhere.
Ross: Not only is it not funny, it's physically impossible. Okay? Depending on the species, I'd have to have a 6-foot-long- It's not funny.
Chandler: I respectfully disagree.

Quote from Joey

Rachel: You're gonna take Huggsy away from a little child?
Joey: How do you think I got him in the first place?

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Damn you, Monica Geller hyphen Bing!

Quote from Monica

Manny: I knew you'd be here!
Mike: Oh, crap.
Phoebe: Who is this?
Mike: My friend Manny. I asked him to keep me away from you.
Monica: Hey, that's what I'm doing for Phoebe.
Manny: Well, you're not doing a very good job.
Monica: Excuse me?
Manny: What's with the kissing?
Monica: Hey, at least I knew where my guy was.
Manny: Yeah, thank God you were here to oversee all the kissing.
Monica: You didn't hear the speech.
Manny: I've heard the speech. If he knew it was gonna be the last time he saw her-
Monica: Hey, it was very moving. You're just heartless.
Manny: You're weak.
Monica: You're weird.
Manny: Your pants are undone.
Monica: Oh!

Quote from Chandler

Ross: Have you seen this? It's our new alumni website for college. It's cool. You can post messages for people, let everyone know what you're up to.
Chandler: Oh, great. A faster way to tell people that I'm unemployed and childless.

Quote from Ross

Ross: It's actually kind of interesting to find out what people are doing. Remember Andrea Rich?
Chandler: That tall girl that wouldn't sleep with you?
Ross: Well, her Internet company went under, and she lost an ear in a boating accident.
Chandler: Bet she'd sleep with you now.
Ross: No, I already e-mailed her.

Quote from Joey

Rachel: Hey. How was basketball?
Joey: It was a lot fun. Yeah, right up until Chandler got a finger in the eye.
Rachel: Oh, no. Who did that?
Joey: Chandler.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: I mean, I know I did the right thing. Mike never wants to get married and I shouldn't be in a relationship that has no future. But pretty soon, I'm gonna miss him so much I'm gonna want to see him again, and you have to stop me from doing that.
Monica: Okay, you got it.
Phoebe: Unless- Am I being too crazy about this? All right, so, you know, there's no future. But that doesn't mean we still can't have fun. You know what? Forget what I said.
Monica: Really? All right, if that's what you want.
Phoebe: That was a test, and you just failed.
Monica: Damn it. Rookie mistake.

Quote from Ross

Ross: I can't believe you put that on my alumni page.
Chandler: Who cares? Nobody reads those things.
Ross: You better hope not because I just read what you put on your page today.
Chandler: I don't have a page.
Ross: Oh, oh, oh. I respectfully disagree.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Wait a second. Why would Ross tell everyone in your class that you are "as gay as the day is long"?
Chandler: Because I told everyone he slept with dinosaurs.
Monica: Well, that's clearly a joke. This could easily be true.

Quote from Monica

Chandler: Would you get that, please? People have been calling to congratulate me all day.
Monica: Hello? No, he's not here. Yeah, this is his wife. Yeah. Well, it came as quite a shock to me too. Well, I guess I should've known. Yeah, he just kept making me watch "Moulin Rouge."

Quote from Chandler

Ross: Unbelievable. My classmates are gonna think I'm dead. My professors. My parents are gonna get phone calls. You're messing with people's feelings here.
Chandler: You wanna talk about people's feelings? You should have heard how hurt Professor Stern was yesterday when I told him I wouldn't be able to go with him to Key West.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: All right, so give me your phone.
Phoebe: Here.
Monica: And now your cell.
Phoebe: Okay. There you go.
Monica: This is your cell phone?
Phoebe: Yes.
Monica: This is your current cell phone?
Phoebe: Yes. It reminds me of a simpler time.

Quote from Joey

Rachel: Should I be concerned that a button fell off the old Huggsy and I can't find it?
Joey: No, don't worry about it. I swallowed that years ago.

Quote from Joey

Rachel: I don't think she likes the new Huggsy.
Joey: But he's the same.
Rachel: Yeah, but I think she wants the old one back.
Joey: Yeah, but he's the same.
Rachel: Joey, come on.
Joey: But he's the same! You're not the same.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: Aha!
Phoebe: You know, it's a lot less surprising to do that after I've buzzed you into the building.

Quote from Mike

Mike: Look, if I want to see Phoebe, and she-
Monica: This doesn't concern you!
Mike: Sorry. I guess I was thrown off by the mention of my name.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: Oh, my God. Nobody cares that I'm dead?
Chandler: Oh, come on, you know that's not true.
Ross: What are you talking about? You get 60 responses just for coming out of the closet. I didn't get one response, and I'm dead.
Chandler: Well, the gay community is a lot more vocal than the dead community.

Quote from Chandler

Tom: I'm so sorry about Ross, it's-
Chandler: No, at least he died doing what he loved. Watching blimps.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: So did you know Ross well?
Tom: Oh, actually, I barely knew him. I came because I heard Chandler's news. Do you know if he's seeing anyone?
Monica: Yes, he is. Me.
Tom: What? You mean? Oh. Okay. Can I ask you a personal question? How do you shave your beard so close?
Chandler: Okay, Tommy. That's enough mourning for you. Here we go. Bye-bye. All right.
Tom: Hey, listen. Call me.
Chandler: Okay.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: This isn't ridiculous. Look around, no one's here.
Chandler: You gave them one day's notice. Not everyone in our class checks the website every day. And Monica, it's probably the way you stand.

Quote from Chandler

Kori: Hi. I'm here for Ross Geller's memorial service.
Chandler: Kori? Kori Weston?
Kori: Yeah.
Chandler: You look amazing.
Kori: And you are?
Chandler: Chandler. Chandler Bing. And I'm not gay. I'm not gay at all.
Monica: You are married, though.
Chandler: Don't listen to him. He's in a really bad mood.

Quote from Chandler

Kori: I can't believe that Ross is gone. It is just so sad.
Chandler: I didn't know Ross and you were so close.
Kori: Oh, we weren't. But we had one class together. He was such a great guy. And he talked so passionately about science. I always remembered him.
Chandler: I'm sure that would mean a lot to him. And if heaven has a door, I'm sure he's pressing his ear up against it and listening intently.


 Episode 916 Episode 918 
  Select another episode