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‘The One with the Home Study’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Home Study

1007. The One with the Home Study

Aired November 13, 2003

An adoption worker visits Monica and Chandler to decide whether they would be suitable parents, but she has a bad memory of dating Joey. Meanwhile, Phoebe and Mike struggle over a decision to forgo a lavish wedding and donate the money to charity.

Quote from Ross

Ross: There's no way around it, Pheebs. You're just going to have accept the fact that this is gonna cost you a lot of money.
Mike: I heard that weddings are, like, a $40 billion-a-year industry.
Ross: Yeah. And I'm responsible for just, like, half of that.

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Quote from Chandler

Ross: Hey, what are you doing?
Mike: Figuring out our wedding plans.
Chandler: That's funny. We were doing the same thing.
Phoebe: It's really crazy. The hall, the dress, the food. I had no idea how expensive this was.
Chandler: Yeah, it is really pricey. I mean, I freaked when I first heard the numbers.
Phoebe: So, what did you two do about it?
Chandler: It was pretty simple, actually. I came up with a couple of cost-cutting solutions, wrote out a list and Monica told me to go to hell.

Quote from Ross

Phoebe: But really, it does seem like this money could be put to better use.
Mike: Are you serious?
Phoebe: Yeah. Now, how would you feel if we gave all the wedding money to charity and we just got married at City Hall?
Mike: I think it would make me wanna marry you even more.
Ross: I gotta say, you guys, that's an incredible gesture.
Chandler: Maybe you do that next time you get married.
Ross: No, no, no. The next time's gonna be Hawaii at sunset. But maybe the time after that.

Quote from Joey

Monica: Okay. So I think I'm just about done here. Unless you have any bad stuff hidden somewhere, like porn or cigarettes?
Chandler: What? No.
Monica: Chandler.
Chandler: I don't, and I'm offended by the insinuation.
Monica: Okay. So there's not a magazine under the couch or a pack of cigarettes taped to the back of the toilet tank or a filthy video in the VCR?
Chandler: I'll admit to the cigarettes and magazine. But that tape is not mine.
Monica: It isn't mine.
Joey: I guess we'll never know whose it is.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: Hey, Ross, listen. I heard about you and Charlie. I'm really sorry.
Ross: That's okay. I'm sure there are tons of other beautiful paleontologists out there.
Rachel: Absolutely.
Ross: There was one. She's it. All the rest look like they should live under a bridge.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: So, what are you gonna do today?
Ross: Well, I was thinking of taking Emma to the playground.
Rachel: Oh, my God. What?
Ross: Like I said, I was thinking of taking Emma to the Museum of Knives and Fire.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: Okay, look, Ross. I do not want Emma going to the playground.
Ross: Because?
Rachel: All right, well, if you must know, I had a traumatic swing incident when I was little.
Ross: Seriously?
Rachel: Yes. I was 4 years old. And I was on the swing and then all of a sudden my hair got tangled in the chain. And to get me out, my mom had to cut a big chunk of my hair. And it was uneven for weeks.
Ross: And you made it through that? I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Look, I'm sorry to hear about your tragedy. But the swings are perfectly safe. And besides, Emma loves them. You should come, and you'll see.
Rachel: Okay, Ross, those things go, like, 40 miles an hour. And there's that moment when you're at the top when you just don't know if you're gonna return back to Earth.
Ross: Space is filled with orbiting children.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Look, you don't wanna be one of those moms who passes her irrational fears to her children, do you?
Rachel: "Irrational," huh? All right, well, I'll remember that next time you freak out about a spider in your apartment.
Ross: Oh, yeah. That's the same. I'm sure there are 30 different species of poisonous swings.

Quote from Chandler

Phoebe: I've made my decision. What I really want is a great big wedding.
Monica: Yay!
Chandler: But you already gave all the money to charity.
Phoebe: Well, I'll just ask for it back.
Chandler: I don't think you can do that.
Monica: Why not? This is her wedding day. That's way more important than some stupid kids.
Chandler: That's sweet, honey, but save something for the adoption lady.

Quote from Phoebe

Mike: We're seriously asking for the money back?
Phoebe: It's for our wedding day. All right. Now, is this guy gay or straight? Because one of us is going to have to start flirting.
Charity Clerk: Wow. You're here to make another donation the same day? I don't think that's ever happened before.
Phoebe: Gay. Go.
Mike: Oh, my God, I love your shirt.
Phoebe: The donation we made earlier? Well, we want it back.
Charity Clerk: Excuse me?
Phoebe: Yeah, okay, see, that money was for a big wedding we thought we didn't want.
But it turns out we do.
Charity Clerk: So you're asking us to refund your donation to the children?
Mike: Yeah. This feels really good.
Phoebe: Yeah, I'm sorry. I am. But this wedding's just really important to me.
Charity Clerk: Hey, it's none of my business. Besides, this is probably a good thing. We've really been spoiling the children, what with all the food and warm clothing.
Phoebe: That's not fair. A person's wedding is important. And especially to me. Okay, I didn't have a graduation party. And I didn't go to prom. And I spent my sweet 16 being chased around a tire yard by an escaped mental patient who, in his own words, wanted to: "Kill me, or whatever." So I deserve a real celebration. And I'm not gonna let some sweaty little man make me feel badly about it.
Mike: She could've been talking about either one of us.

Quote from Chandler

Laura: Hi, I'm Laura. I'm here for your adoption interview.
Monica: Hi, I'm Monica. And this is Chandler. Please come in.
Laura: Thank you.
Monica: Would you like something to drink?
Laura: Water would be fine.
Monica: We're so glad that you're here. We're really excited about getting this process started.
Chandler: Because we love kids. Love them to death. Well, not actually to death. That's just a figure of speech. We love kids the appropriate amount ... as allowed by law.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: What the hell are you doing?
Joey: Well, you wouldn't let me in, so I thought you were in trouble.
Chandler: Well, we're not.
Joey: But you called me "Bert." That's our code word for danger.
Chandler: We don't have a code word.
Joey: We don't? We really should. From now on, "Bert" will be our code word for danger.

Quote from Joey

Laura: Are you friends with him?
Chandler: I can explain. ... Joey?
Joey: Okay. You have got some nerve coming back here. I can't believe you never called me.
Laura: Excuse me?
Joey: Oh, yeah. You probably don't even remember my name. It's Joey, by the way. And don't bother telling me yours, because I totally remember it, lady. Yeah, I waited weeks for you to call me.
Laura: I gave you my number. You never called me.
Joey: Don't try to turn this around on me. Okay. I am not some kind of social work, okay, that you can just do.
Laura: I'm pretty sure I gave you my number.
Joey: Really? Think about it. Come on. You're a beautiful woman. Smart, funny. We had a really good time, huh? If I had your number, why wouldn't I call you?
Laura: I don't know. Well, maybe I'm wrong. I'm sorry.
Joey: No, no. Hey, it's too late for apologies. Okay? You broke my heart. You know how many women I had to sleep with to get over you?
Laura: Joey, wait-
Joey: No! I waited a long time! I can't wait anymore.

Quote from Mike

Phoebe: We're back.
Charity Clerk: Are you here to take more money? Because I think what you're looking for is an ATM.
Mike: No, no, we're here to give the money back.
Phoebe: Yeah. Because you know what? It's all about the children. Although it's also about the wedding. Ugh. All right, here. No. Oh, God.
Charity Clerk: If I haven't said so already, sir, congratulations.
Mike: Okay, look, enough, all right? I'm stepping in and putting my foot down. As your future husband, I'm gonna make this decision for us. What do you think we should do?

Quote from Phoebe

Charity Clerk: You know what, it's not your decision anymore.
Mike: What?
Charity Clerk: On behalf of the children of New York, I reject your money.
Phoebe: But we're giving you this.
Charity Clerk: And I'm giving it back to you. Come on, consider it a contribution.
Phoebe: Well, this is very generous.
Charity Clerk: No, please. Take the check. Go have a great wedding and a wonderful life together.
Mike: Sounds good to me. That way we can save up, come back in a few years and make an even bigger donation.
Charity Clerk: And when you do, ask for Brian.
Phoebe: Oh, is that you?
Charity Clerk: No.


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