Phoebe: Well, why did you go along with that?
Mike: Because I was told that I'd get a free dinner, which I didn't. And that I'd meet a pretty girl, which I did.
Phoebe: That's true.

Mike: So what's new?
Phoebe: Well, I'm no longer Phoebe Buffay.
Mike: That's great. You changed your name?
Phoebe: Yes, I did. Meet Princess Consuela Bananahammock.
Mike: You're kidding, right?
Phoebe: Nope.
Mike: You really did that?
Phoebe: Yep.
Mike: You can't do that.
Phoebe: Why? Why? It's fun. It's different. No one else has a name like it.
Mike: All right. Then I'm gonna change my name.
Phoebe: Great. Okay, what you're gonna change it to?
Mike: Crap Bag.
Phoebe: Mike Crap Bag?
Mike: No. No "Mike". No, just "Crap Bag". First name: Crap. Last name: Bag.
Phoebe: You're not serious, right?
Mike: Yeah I'm serious. It's fun. It's different. No one else has a name like that.

Ross: Hey, you guys.
Phoebe: Hey. I'll be right back. I gotta go to the bathroom.
Mike: Stout. That's a kind of beer.
[Ross gets up and leaves]

Mike: So how many guys have your key?

Mike: Well, what's up? Is Phoebe okay?
Ross: Oh, yeah, yeah. Phoebe is great. But I'm an idiot, okay? Look, right before you guys went out, I accidentally got her all upset.
Mike: That's why she was weird.
Ross: Yes. Yeah, I said something stupid about her never having had a serious relationship. But you should know, she is so much fun. A wonderful person. Please, don't blow her off.
Mike: I'm not gonna blow her off. I actually just got off the phone with her. We're going out tomorrow night. I mean, I hope that's okay with you, stranger from the coffeehouse.

Mike: I just think there's somebody better out there for you. I mean, you know, I'm- I'm not saying me, but- Maybe me. And you don't have to worry about glue-sniffing with me. Although, I do smell the occasional Magic Marker.

Phoebe: So If that's too weird for you and you want to leave, I totally understand. In fact, I'll close my eyes to make it less awkward. [Mike kisses Phoebe] You kissed me. You don't think I'm a total freak?
Mike: No. Well... Look, can I? Can I think you're a little weird and also cool for telling me the truth and also want to kiss you?
Phoebe: I guess so. Can I think it's cool that you kissed me and also want to kiss you again? And be a little concerned about the Magic Markers?
Mike: Definitely.

Mike: It's to my apartment.
Phoebe: Wow. Big step for Phoebe and Mike.
Mike: Look, I don't want you to feel like you have to give me your key just because-
Phoebe: No, I want to.
Mike: Oh, thank God.

Phoebe: Oh, God, this is not going well.
Mike: No, you're doing fine. Really. Why don't you go talk to my dad.
Phoebe: Okay, okay, okay. Still sure about me being myself?
Mike: Absolutely. Though maybe just a little less "pimp spit".

Mike: Why don't you go talk to my mom.
Phoebe: Okay, yeah, your mom. She looks nice. I can talk to her.
Mike: Yeah. You do that, and I'm gonna go check my dad for signs of internal bleeding.