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58Quotes from ‘The One Where Monica Sings’

Friends: The One Where Monica Sings

913. The One Where Monica Sings

Aired January 30, 2003

Phoebe convinces Monica to sing at Mike's piano bar. Meanwhile, Ross is still reeling from seeing Rachel kiss Gavin on the balcony, and Chandler helps Joey out after a waxing disaster.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: I cannot believe you. You know, I actually came in here hoping to have a mature conversation about us. But I can't do that with someone who hides my messages and brings crazy women back to my apartment.
Ross: Hey, none of the sane ones wanted to come back with me!

Quote from Ross

Ross: Okay, you really don't know what I'm talking about?
Chandler: No.
Ross: Okay. Last night, after the party I saw Rachel kissing that jerk from her office out on your balcony.
Chandler: Our balcony? Seriously? That's so funny, because I told Monica we should put lights on our balcony and she said, "No, no. It's too cold. Nobody will go out there." And I said: "Maybe if we put some lights out there they will."
Ross: Right, that's what I came over to talk about. I saw Rachel kissing some guy on your balcony, even though there were no lights!

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: Hi, you guys. Listen, I really need your help. I think I did something really stupid.
Phoebe: Well, yes, Rachel, but you got something so beautiful out of it.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Okay, Michelle, it's time to go.
Michelle: Well, call me.
Ross: Okay.
Michelle: Wait, you don't have my phone number.
Ross: You know what? If it's meant to be, I'll guess it.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Hey.
Ross: Yeah. Yeah, okay. Sure. Look, can we talk about what happened here last night?
Chandler: Sure. Just give me a second to get all huffy and weird like you. Do you believe that whoever did something over here last night did what they did or didn't do? I mean, come on!

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: So are you gonna talk to her?
Ross: Why? Why should I? I mean, if she wants to move on, that's fine.
Chandler: You know when "that's fine" sounds true? When someone yells it and spits.

Quote from Ross

Ross: No, I'm serious. I mean, if she wants to date people, fine. I don't care. But at least she could have told me. You know, I've been putting my life on hold and just concentrating on Emma. But if she wants to go out there kissing guys she barely knows, then so will I. [Chandler stares at Ross] Very funny! Ross is gay! Ha, ha.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Good, so you're moving on. Do you have any idea where you're moving on to?
Ross: I don't know. I've got plenty of opportunities. I mean, just now, there was some woman at the coffeehouse smiled at me. And then the other day on the subway, a woman "accidentally" sat on my hand.
Chandler: Dude, don't rub my face in your crazy single life.
Ross: And then, how about this. There's an anthropologist at school who totally came on to me during the interdepartmental potluck dinner.
Chandler: Why did I get married?

Quote from Monica

Phoebe: Okay, fine. Just please come and support Mike. You don't have to sing.
Monica: So I don't have to sing, and I can just sit there and pass judgment on others?
Phoebe: While drinking.
Monica: Ha, I'm there.

Quote from Monica

Rachel: I kissed Gavin last night.
Monica: Oh, my God. You kissed him?
Rachel: Yeah, it was after the party, we were on the balcony-
Monica: Wait, wait, wait. I was at home the whole time. How did I miss that?
Phoebe: Well, it was the end of the party. You were probably ironing wrapping paper.
Monica: Oh, yeah.

Quote from Rachel

Monica: So how did you end up kissing?
Rachel: Well, we were all alone and he was being really nice and he gave me this scarf.
Monica: I thought you hated him.
Rachel: Well, honey, there is a thin line between love and hate and it turns out that line is a scarf.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: Are you thinking of starting something up with this guy?
Rachel: I don't know. It's so complicated. I work with this guy. I have the baby, and I have Ross.
I don't know what to do. And I have to be at the office and see Gavin in 10 minutes.
Monica: Sounds like you need to think about what you want and talk to Gavin. And you definitely should talk to Ross.
Rachel: Or I could call in sick and not deal with it at all.
Phoebe: Wow. Five months maternity leave, you're back for four days, you kiss a co-worker and call in sick. They are lucky to have you.

Quote from Joey

Joey: I'm here for my eyebrow appointment.
Receptionist: Name?
Joey: Chandler Bing.

Quote from Joey

Joey: So do you- Do you get a lot of guys in here?
Sonia: Oh, absolutely.
Joey: Oh, good.
Sonia: Yeah. You looking to meet somebody?
Joey: All right, let's just do this.

Quote from Joey

Sonia: Okay, we'll get to the wax in a minute. First, I want to tweeze some of the strays, okay? Now, this may sting just a little bit.
Joey: Please. I have an extremely high threshold for- Holy Mother of God! Oh, my face! My face! Ow! I'm all right. I'm all right. I'm all right. It's just a bit of shock, that's all. But I'll be fine. You can go again. I'm okay.
Sonia: Okay.
Joey: Sorry. Damn it, woman!

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Maybe you're going about this the wrong way. I mean, think about it: Single white male, divorced three times, two illegitimate children. The personal ad writes itself.

Quote from Ross

Ross: You know, that's funny. Yeah. So do you think you'll ever work again?
Chandler: What are you doing? You know I can only dish it out.

Quote from Ross

Ross: You don't have to do anything. It'll just be easier if it's two of us. Like college, remember? First, you break the ice with some kind of a joke so they know you're the funny one. Then I swoop in with interesting conversation so they'll see that I'm the brilliant, brooding sexy one.
Chandler: I thought I got to make the jokes.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: What? What is it? What's the matter?
Gavin: What's Ross doing to you in that picture?
Rachel: Oh, he's dusting me with a fossil brush. He thought it would be funny.

Quote from Mike

Mike: All right, I'm gonna take a little break, and when we come back we've got Kenneth singing "I Touch Myself". I'm not here to judge.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: This is great. Rachel's gonna keep kissing guys until she finds the one she wants, and I'm gonna die alone.
Chandler: By drowning or...?

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Can you totally see through her shirt?
Mike: Like an x-ray.
Phoebe: Bad day not to wear a bra.

Quote from Chandler

Joey: Look, it hurt so bad, I could only let her do one eyebrow, and now they don't match.
Chandler: It's like a baby caterpillar chasing its mama.

Quote from Mike

Phoebe: Mon, not that you didn't sound good-
Monica: Good? Didn't you hear them? I was great. Thank you so much for making me do this. That is the best gift ever.
Mike: Also a good gift: Underwear.

Quote from Ross

Ross: That's Michelle.
Rachel: Who?
Ross: Oh, just this woman I've been seeing.
Rachel: You've been seeing someone?
Ross: Yeah, didn't I mention that? I mean, we haven't been going out too long but there's this amazing connection between us. I mean, in fact just before you came in, she called me her boyfriend. I thought it was a little too soon, but also, it felt kind of nice.
Michelle: What are you taking amoxicillin for?
Ross: How great is this? You're already comfortable enough to look through my stuff.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: And done.
Joey: Oh, my God. I didn't feel a thing. Hey, are you still looking for a job? Because you could tweeze circles around that sadistic bitch at the salon.

Quote from Joey

Joey: They totally match. They look great. They look great. [admiring his reflection] How you doin'?

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Yeah, I think it looks pretty good. I was a little bit worried I was uncovering a birthmark right about there but it turned out to be a little piece of chocolate.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: For my next song, I think I'll sing something a little more upbeat, all right? Oh, ow about the Pointer Sisters' "I'm So Excited"? And make it bouncy.
Phoebe: Well, you can probably take care of that on your end.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Are those my wife's nipples?
Phoebe: Isn't that funny? I didn't see that before. I wouldn't have let her go up again.
Chandler: I've got to stop this.
Monica: Oh, who cares? They still love me.
Chandler: You, touching yourself! Out!

Quote from Monica

Monica: I'm sorry, the song's over. Did you see me up there?
Phoebe: Every little bit of you.
Monica: I can't believe I did it. I can't believe I sang in front of people and they liked me. Did you hear that guy shouting, "Look at those tips"? I mean, did I really help you get a lot of tips?
Mike: Sure.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Hey, let me ask you guys something. I'm having new headshots taken tomorrow, right. And the photographer said she thinks I should have my eyebrows waxed. Is that weird for a guy?
Phoebe: Well, it depends.
Joey: On?
Phoebe: On how far along he is in the sex-change process.
Monica: No, I totally disagree. No, I think it's fine for a guy to do something like that. Especially an actor. I mean, not that you need to. Your eyebrows are...
Joey: Well, okay. Stop it, you guys. Stop staring, you're freaking me out.
Phoebe: Wow, your knuckles are kind of hairy too.
Joey: Oh, man, now I have to get those done too?
Phoebe: Wow, talk about high maintenance.
Joey: Hey, hey, hey. You dye your hair.
Phoebe: I'm a woman.
Joey: Ah, double standards!

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Before I forget, are you coming to Mike's piano bar tonight?
Monica: Only if I don't have to get up and sing.
Phoebe: But everybody sings. It's so fun. Last time, this adorable old man got up there, forgot all the words, flipped out and everyone booed him off the stage. It was so funny.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Look, I'm not good at singing.
Phoebe: Oh, what's the matter? You scared? You afraid I'm a better singer? You afraid I'm gonna beat you at singing?
Monica: Nope. Nope. It's not working on me. Wow, I must be growing up.

Quote from Ross

Chandler: Hey, it's the most eligible man in New York. How's the moving on going?
Ross: Not well. I went on the subway again and someone did sit on my hand but that person was neither female nor wearing pants.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: I can't believe Rachel just moved on and didn't say anything to me.
Chandler: Maybe she didn't move on. Maybe that kiss was just an impulsive, one-time birthday thing.
Ross: No, a month ago, she gave her number to some guy in a bar.
Chandler: Did she go out with him?
Ross: No. When he called I threw the message away.
Chandler: Ah, the high road.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: Enough talking. I have to get moving. Hey, check out those two blonds over there. Hey, come with me.
Chandler: Are you trying to get everybody divorced?

Quote from Chandler

Ross: Don't you have to be at work?
Chandler: Oh, come on. Hello. Hi, my name's Chandler. This is my friend Ross right here.
Ross: Hi.
Chandler: And we were wondering, if you're up for it, we only need six more people for a human pyramid. Swoop. Swoop.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Hey, I notice you're reading the paper. Another flood in Europe, huh? Here's a question: Would you rather drown or be burned alive?

Quote from Rachel

Gavin: Ross. So, what's the deal with you guys? I don't want to get in the middle of anything.
Rachel: Oh, you're not. You're not. You're not getting in the middle of anything. Don't worry about Ross. Hide! That's Ross. Hide. Hide. Hide.
Gavin: Yeah, but you said not to worry-
Rachel: I lied and I'm not sick either. Just stay behind the curtain.

Quote from Mike

Mike: Oh, she's my girlfriend. That's not just how we do it here.

Quote from Monica

Phoebe: Oh, you have got to sing.
Monica: No, I told you I can't. But you would have so much fun. And you have a really nice voice.
Monica: When have you heard me sing?
Phoebe: All the time, when you're cooking.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Yeah, you're always singing: "Yummy, yummy, yummy, I've got love in my tummy"
Monica: Yeah, I do rock that one.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: I don't believe this. I just keep striking out.
Chandler: I don't get it either. I mean, you're obviously desperate. You're asking women how they wanna be killed.

Quote from Ross

Michelle: All I ever wanted was to just love him and have him love me back. I mean, am I so unlovable?
Chandler: Wow.
Ross: I know!

Quote from Mike

Mike: All right. That was Kenneth with his much too literal rendition of "I Touch Myself".

Quote from Joey

Joey: I need your help.
Chandler: Wow, it seems serious. What seems to be the problem, Ashley Judd?
Joey: I'm getting new headshots taken, all right. So I went to get my eyebrows shaped.
Chandler: I'm sorry. Moment to make fun of that, please.
Joey: I may be a sissy, but I'll still pound you into the ground.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Look, you got to help me out, okay? Look, I have a magic marker. I want you to fill in the skinny one so I don't look stupid for my pictures.
Chandler: Okay, first of all, this is green.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: You know how most kids get their allowance from mowing the lawn or taking out the garbage? Well, I earned mine by plucking the eyebrows of my father and his "business partners."
Joey: Oh, my God.
Chandler: Yeah, well, I guess you don't need my help, Victor/Victoria.

Quote from Chandler

Joey: I need your help. But, Chandler, I don't know if I can take any more plucking. It hurt so bad.
Chandler: Not with my combination of ice cubes, aloe vera and my gentle self-loathing touch.

Quote from Ross

Michelle: Thank you so much for letting me do this. Public bathrooms freak me out. I can't even pee, let alone do anything else.
Ross: But what's great is, you don't mind talking about it.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: Honey, you're just in time. I'm about to sing another song.
Chandler: Really? In front of all these people?
Monica: And they love me.
Chandler: Oh, my God.
Phoebe: Yeah. She gives the people what they want.

Quote from Ross

Michelle: Ross, you didn't tell me you were a doctor.
Rachel: Whoa. Wait a minute. You haven't even told her you are a doctor yet? How long have you known her, like an hour?
Michelle: Actually, about an hour and a half.
Ross: I told you it wasn't long, but there's an amazing connection between us.
Michelle: You feel that too? Oh, I thought that that was just me.
Ross: Are you kidding?
Michelle: Hey, do you wanna go away this weekend?
Ross: We'll see.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: Ross, what's going on here? Are we just bringing strange women back to the apartment now?
Ross: I don't know. Are we just kissing guys on balconies?
Rachel: How do you know about that?
Ross: Through the magic of sight.

Quote from Ross

Ross: I'm sorry. Did you not like her? Because I was hoping we could come to your kissing parties on the balcony.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: I can't believe you are making a big deal about this. It was one kiss. One guy. One time.
Ross: Oh, really?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Oh, really?
Rachel: Oh, yeah.
Ross: What about the guy from the bar?
Rachel: Who?
Ross: The guy you gave your number to.
Rachel: How do you know about that?
Ross: Because he called here looking for you. So don't tell me kissing this guy from work is a one-time thing, okay. Because you've been out there in bars and on balconies for over a month now. And you don't even have the courtesy to tell me.
Rachel: Why didn't I get that message?
Ross: What?
Rachel: From the guy in the bar? Why didn't I get that message?
Ross: Because I folded it up and put it in my pants pocket. Do you not look there?

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Can Emma and I live here for a while?
Joey: God. Of course.
Rachel: Thank you. Your eyebrows look weird.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: So you'll just touch yourself for anything, then?

Quote from Ross

Ross: I couldn't help but notice, but that's an unusual necklace.
Woman: You already hit on me an hour ago.
Ross: Right. So that's a firm no?

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