TV Quotes

Ross: Hey, guys.
Joey: Hey. [singing] Happy Birthday-
Rachel: Ssh. Don't say that loud. Gunther's gonna want to hug me.

Rachel: Am I the only one that doesn't think she's hot? Ross?
Ross: Eh. I mean, she's not unattractive, but- But hot?
Rachel: Thank you.
Chandler: Now that Rachel's gone?
Ross: So hot, I cried myself to sleep last night.

Mike: Oh, God!
Phoebe: What?
Mike: Okay. I don't want to freak you out or anything but I just saw a rat in your cupboard.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. No, that's Bob.
Mike: Well, he's your pet rat?
Phoebe: Well, not so much a pet as, you know, an occasional visitor who I put food out for. Kind of like Santa. Except Santa doesn't poop on the plate of cookies.

Phoebe: Okay, fine. If it means that much to you, I'll get rid of Bob.
Mike: Thank you.
Phoebe: It's so weird you think he's so gross, yet you're willing to eat his crackers.

Rachel: I'm sorry. Obviously, Heather's ass has something more important to say so I'll just wait till it's finished.
Gavin: What?

Gavin: What do you care if I was looking at her? Are you jealous?
Rachel: Oh, yeah. I'm jealous. "Oh, Gavin. Please, please look at my ass." Stop looking at my ass!

Rachel: You know what? My first impression of you was absolutely right. You are arrogant.
You are pompous. Morgan. Morgan. Tag's last name was Morgan.
Gavin: It was Jones.
Rachel: What are you, his boyfriend?

Monica: What's the big deal with her? Maybe she's attractive in an obvious kind of way.
Ross: Yeah, obvious beauty's the worst. You know, when it's right there in your face. Me, I like to have to work to find someone attractive. Makes me feel like I earned it.
Chandler: Looks like Joey's doing all right with her.
Monica: Yeah. Hey, that was nice of you guys to back off and let Joey get the girl for once.

Monica: They've elected me to talk to you about the baby talk. It's not so good.

Ross: Hey, listen, Joey. About Molly, I would really prefer if you didn't go after her.
Joey: Why not?
Ross: Because it took us months to find a good nanny. And I wouldn't want anything to, you know, drive her away.
Joey: So what? You think I'm just gonna sleep with her and never call her again, and things are gonna get uncomfortable? Yeah, that sounds about right.

Ross: Come on, there are plenty of other women out there. Just forget about her, okay? She's off-limits.
Joey: Oh, man. What'd you have to go and say that for? Now that you told me I can't have her, makes me want her even more.
Ross: What are you, a child?
Joey: Yes.

Phoebe: No, I don't want to kill him. I thought we were gonna capture him and, you know, set him free in the countryside where he could meet a friendly possum and a wisecracking owl.

Phoebe: Oh, my God. We killed Bob?
Mike: Well, maybe it wasn't Bob. Maybe it was a mouse.
Phoebe: Susie?

Ross: Look, come on, man. I'm sure he'll lose interest in a week or two but for now, could you please just do this for me?
Chandler: Fine, but don't blame me if it doesn't work. Because you know once Joey sets his mind on something more often than not, he's going to have sex with it.

Joey: Now you're saying I can't see her? You're killing me. She's forbidden fruit. It's like, like- Like she's the princess and I'm the stable boy. Why are you doing this, huh? Did Ross tell you not to let me go over there?
Chandler: Yes, as a matter of fact, he did. So I can't let you go.
Joey: Interesting. Now there are obstacles. Hot nanny and me against the world. This is the kind of stuff great novels are made of.
Chandler: Great novels?
Joey: Fine. Mediocre porn.

Gavin: Gavin Mitchell's office.
Rachel: Rachel Green's office. Give me that phone. Hello, this is Rachel Green. How can I help you? Uh-huh. Okay then. I'll pass you back to your son.

Rachel: Please I don't care about you enough to bug me. In fact, from now on, I'm going to take the high road and I'm going to be very, very nice to you, you mama's boy, starting right now.

Monica: Maybe he keeps bothering you so much because he likes you. It's like in first grade when Skippy Lange would push me because he secretly had a crush on me.
Rachel: Monica, you think Skippy liked you? Honey, all those boys had a bet to see if he could knock you over.

Rachel: Do you see what all the guys see in her?
Monica: Wouldn't kick her out of bed. No more vodka for me.

Rachel: You brought rats to my birthday party?
Monica: So this is what a stroke feels like.

Phoebe: Well, I had to bring them. We killed their mother. They're our responsibility now. You know, they require constant care. You should know that, Rachel, you're a mother.
Rachel: Are you comparing my daughter to a rat?
Phoebe: No. Seven rats.

Rachel: You're gonna leave my party to take care of a box of rats?
Phoebe: Well, I'm sorry, Rachel, but I'm not like you. Okay? Not everyone can afford help.

Joey: So you see, Molly, what people don't understand is that acting is a discipline. It takes a lot of hard work.
Molly: So where'd you study?
Joey: Oh, I didn't go to college.
Molly: No, where'd you study acting?
Joey: Molly, people don't study acting.

Ross: Well, Joey, I guess we have no problem.
Joey: It's like my favorite fairy tale come true. The princess, the stable boy and the lesbian.

Mike: Okay, fine.These rats are our responsibility. What happens when they mate and there are hundreds?
Phoebe: Mate? They're all brothers and sisters.
Mike: Yeah, not such a problem with rats. No, they're more of a "love the one you're with" kind of animal.
Phoebe: No. Really? Oh, my- Get off your sister!

Phoebe: What are we gonna do? The We have seven rats. So, what if each of them has seven rats and then each of those has seven rats? That's like- That's math I can't even do.

Phoebe: What are we gonna do?
Mike: Well, I know this is gonna sound crazy but we could not let the box of rats ruin our lives.

Phoebe: All right, so we should just give them away. But to nice families with children and reduced-fat Wheat Thins. Those were Bob's favorites.

Phoebe: This is just so hard. It's hard for me to let them go. I guess it just brings back memories, you know from when I gave birth to my brother's triplets and I had to give them up. I haven't told you about that yet, have I?

Gavin: Look, I'll just give you this and go.
Rachel: You bought me a present. Why?
Gavin: Let me explain how birthday parties usually work. There are presents and a cake, perhaps a fourth or fifth person. Okay, I I got you the present to make up for being such a jerk to you.
Rachel: Well, okay. Well, that's very nice. And you wrote a card. "From Gavin."
Gavin: I really mean it.

Rachel: See, Gavin. You're capable of being a nice guy. Why do you give me such a hard time?
Gavin: I'm not sure.
Rachel: Well, Monica seems to think it's because you have feelings for me.
Gavin: I do have feelings for you.
Rachel: You do?
Gavin: Yes. I feel that you're a little annoying.
Rachel: See, why? Gavin, why? Right when I'm about to change my opinion of you, you go and you- [Gavin kisses Rachel] And you do that.

Phoebe: Listen, I think I left something here.
Chandler: Well, somebody left this. Is this yours?
Phoebe: No, but I like it. No, I think I left one of my rat babies.
Chandler: Well, no. I haven't seen it, but if I do, I'll let you know.
Monica: Rat baby! Rat baby! Rat baby! Rat baby!
Phoebe: Oh. Maybe that's him.

Phoebe: Bob? Bob? Robert? Wait, I think I hear him. Oh, my God. Bob had babies. Bob's a mom.
Mike: We'll have to think of a new name for him.
Phoebe: Oh, I don't know, I kind of like "Bob" for a girl.

Phoebe: Careful. Careful. These are my rat babies.
Mike: Yeah, we have rat babies now.

Mike: Hey, when did we become one of those couples whose lives revolve around their rats?

Chandler: What's up?
Ross: Seriously, dude. Three years ago.

Chandler: Is this your long-term plan, for me to run interference? Because I could get a job any day now.
Ross: You do appear right on the cusp of something.

Joey: Will the stable boy never get the princess?
Ross: What do you think you were gonna do, have sex with her right here on my couch?
Joey: No. The leather sticks to my ass.

Phoebe: Okay, you start preparing the formula and I'll start changing the box. And then we gotta put them straight to bed.