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‘The One with Princess Consuela’ Quotes

Friends: The One with Princess Consuela

1014. The One with Princess Consuela

Aired February 26, 2004

After Phoebe goes to change her name following her marriage to Mike, she gets creative when she learns she can choose anything at all. Rachel has dinner with a recruiter from Gucci, but her boss is seated at the next table. Meanwhile, Chandler and Monica ask a reluctant Joey to visit their new house.

Quote from Mike

Phoebe: Good for you. That was really mature.
Joey: What? No. The only reason I am going to their stupid new house, is so I can point out everything that's wrong with it, so they don't move. I am gonna make them stay here.
Mike: You're a strange kind of grown up.

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Quote from Ross

Chandler: Ooh, Israeli champagne and it's vanilla.
Ross: I got tenure. I didn't win the lottery!

Quote from Joey

Monica: So glad you decided to come.
Joey: Me too. Yeah, this place is great. I'm so happy for your guys. Although, you know, I hope you like fungus.
Chandler: What?
Joey: Fungus. Yeah, place is full of it.
Monica: No, it's not. We had an inspection and I didn't find anything.
Joey: Okay. Then I guess I have dry eyes and a scratchy throat for no reason.
Monica: Maybe it's because you hung your head out of the window like a dog the whole ride here.
Joey: Maybe.

Quote from Joey

Monica: Hey, where have been?
Joey: Oh, just, you know, looking around. But you know what, this house is great.
Chandler: Really, what changed your mind?
Joey: Well, the little girl who lives here made feel a lot better about the whole thing.
Chandler: Joey, there was a little girl who lived here but she died, like, 30 years ago.
Joey: What?!
Chandler: Ha. I'm just messing with you.
Joey: That's not funny. You know I'm afraid of little-girl ghosts.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: Hey, is Rachel here?
Monica: Nope.
Ross: She's still at dinner?
Monica: I guess. Who's she with?
Ross: That guy Mark from Bloomingdale's. She think he's just being nice to her, but I know he really wants to sleep with her.
Chandler: It's seven years ago. My time machine works!

Quote from Joey

Chandler: Hey, Joe. We've got a couple of things we've got to check out at the new house. You wanna come with us?
Joey: No, thank you.
Monica: Joey, I know you're not happy about us moving, but you're the only one who hasn't seen the house.
Chandler: Yeah. Come with us, you'll see how close it's to the city.
Joey: No, it's not close. You said it was in escrow. I couldn't even find it on the map.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Hey you guys. I have great news.
Monica: Ross. We're kind of in the middle of dinner here.
Ross: Oh well, I already ate, but sure.
Ross: Guess what happened at work today?
Chandler: A dinosaur died a million years ago.
Ross: Uh, try sixty-five million years ago. And then try ssh!

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: Hi, you guys. Ooh, Italian.
Monica: No- No one wanted seconds, right?
Ross: No, no. I'm good.
Rachel: Hey, you guys are never gonna believe it. This headhunter called me. I have a meeting tomorrow with Gucci. Gucci wants me.
Ross: I am up for tenure.
Rachel: Congratulations.
Ross: You too. What are the odds.
Joey: Guess what? I finally got that seed out of my teeth.
Monica: I don't know who I am happiest for?
Phoebe: I do. He's been working on that all day. [Phoebe applauds]

Quote from Chandler

Phoebe: Hey, Mon, was it weird changing your name to Geller Bing?
Monica: No. No. It felt nice to acknowledge this.
Phoebe: Oh. Where did you go to do it?
Monica: Um, the, uh- The Ministry of Names ... Bureau.
Chandler: You never did it.
Monica: I'm sorry. It's just the idea of being an official Bing.
Chandler: Hey. I will have you know that- Ah, who am I kidding? Let's call the kid Geller and let Bing die with me.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Joey, you can't make someone do something they don't wanna do. Believe me, there's something I've been trying to get Mike to do in bed and there's-
Mike: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey. Can we not talk about that now?
Phoebe: All right, prude. Look, Monica and Chandler really love this house. You are not gonna talk them into staying here.
Joey: Hey, hey. I can convince people to do anything, you know. I bet I could even get Mike to do that thing. What is it? I am not gonna help you do that! Oh, my God.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Hi. Um, I'm here to see Mr. Campbell with Gucci. The reservation is probably under Gucci. It's spelled like "Gucky", which can be confusing.
Maître d′: Mr. Campbell is not here yet. Let me show you to his table.
Rachel: [gasps] Oh, my god. That's my boss. You have to seat us somewhere else.
Maître d′: I'm sorry. That's always Mr. Campbell's table.
Rachel: But my boss can not see me. I'm interviewing for another job.
Maître d′: I know, with "Gucky".

Quote from Rachel

Mr. Campbell: So, why do you wanna leave Ralph Lauren?
Rachel: What? I don't.
Mr. Campbell: You don't?
Rachel: No. I love it there.
Mr. Campbell: Well, if you don't wanna leave, why are we having this lunch?
Ross: [whispering] That is my boss-
Mr. Campbell: What?
Rachel: [whispering] That is my boss-
Mr. Campbell: That's Hugo Boss?

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: This place is so depressing. If I had to work here I'd kill myself. But you obviously haven't.
Clerk: How can I help you?
Phoebe: Um, I need to change my name, please. See, I need to change it because I'm hiding from the law. You're fun.
Clerk: You need to fill out this form.
Phoebe: Okay. I just don't- I don't know how it works exactly. See, my name is Buffay and my husband's name is Hannigan. So is it supposed to be Buffay-Hannigan or Hannigan-Buffay?
Clerk: It can be anything you want.
Phoebe: Well, not anything. I mean-
Clerk: Yeah. Anything.
Phoebe: Oh, this could take a while.
Clerk: Get out of my line.
Phoebe: Okay.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Hey, how did the interview go?
Rachel: Ugh! Not good.
Chandler: You know, I always feel that way after an interview. I'll bet it went better than you think.
Rachel: Well, I didn't get the job at Gucci and I got fired from Ralph Lauren.
Chandler: That is a bad interview.

Quote from Rachel

Phoebe: What are you talking about? How did this happen?
Rachel: Well, my boss was at the same restaurant where I was having my interview and he heard everything. So, later, he calls me into his office and he tells me that he's gonna have to let me go because I'm not a team player. And I say "Wait a minute. No. Yes, I am". And then I had to sit there for 45 minutes while he proved that, in fact, was true.

Quote from Joey

Joey: So this is the living room huh? Oof, it's pretty dark.
Monica: No, it's not.
Joey: Are you kidding? I think I just saw a bat in the corner.
Chandler: When you head was hanging out of the window, it didn't hit a mailbox, did it?
Joey: Maybe.

Quote from Joey

Mackenzie: Who are you?
Joey: Oh, hi, I'm Joey. My stupid friends are buying this house? Who are you?
Mackenzie: I am Mackenzie. My stupid parents are selling this house. I hate my parents.
Joey: I hate my friends. All right. Look, there's gotta be a way that we can stop this from happening.
Mackenzie: Like what?
Joey: Oh. Okay. You come with me and you tell them that the house is haunted.
Mackenzie: What are you eight?
Joey: Okay. Let's hear your great idea.
Mackenzie: I don't have any great ideas. I am eight.

Quote from Joey

Mackenzie: There's gotta be a way. I mean, you know, Monica and Chandler move out here and now Phoebe is married to Mike. That just leaves me and Ross and Rachel, you know what I mean?
Mackenzie: I really don't.
Joey: What am I gonna do? I feel like I'm losing my friends.
Mackenzie: My parents say I'm gonna make new friends.
Joey: Oh yeah, sure, easy for you. You're younger than me. Me? I am set in my ways.
Mackenzie: This is what my mom was talking about: Whiners are wieners.

Quote from Joey

Mackenzie: Look, you want your friends to be happy, right?
Joey: Yeah, yeah. I guess.
Mackenzie: Well, if moving here is gonna make them happy, don't you want them to do it?
Joey: Yeah. Maybe.
Mackenzie: Then you gotta let them go.
Joey: Well, I hate to admit it, but you're probably right. How did you get to be so smart?
Mackenzie: I read a lot.
Joey: Just when I thought we could be friends.

Quote from Rachel

Mark: So, how are you?
Rachel: Oh. You're not catching me on my best day.
Mark: Yeah, a box full of your desk stuff doesn't exactly say big promotion.
Rachel: No, but it's good, you know. I'm gonna take some time off ... and do some charity work.
Mark: Are you sure? Because we may have something at Louis Vuitton.
Rachel: Well, screw charity work, what do you got?

Quote from Mike

Rita: Oh, hey, how are you?
Phoebe: Oh, hi, Rita. Rita is a massage client.
Rita: Yeah.
Mike: Oh, why don't you introduce me?
Phoebe: Rita, this my husband.
Mike: Why don't you tell her my name?
Phoebe: Okay, I will. This is- This is my husband, Crap Bag.
Rita: Crap Bag.
Mike: If you need an easy way to remember it, just think of a bag of crap.
Rita: Okay. Excuse me.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Ugh. Okay, fine. You made your point. Can you please just be Mike Hannigan again?
Mike: Only if you'll be Phoebe Buffay.
Phoebe: How about Buffay-Hannigan?
Mike: Really?
Phoebe: Yeah. I'm Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan Bananahammock.
Mike: Do you even know what a banana hammock is?
Phoebe: It's a funny word.
Mike: It's a Speedo.
Phoebe: Oh, crap.

Quote from Joey

Joey: I mean, this soap opera is a great gig, but am I missing opportunities? You know, I've always thought of myself as a serious actor. I mean, should I be trying to do more independent movies?
Mackenzie: I don't know. You know what, I'm gonna put you off my bear. Hold on.
Joey: Hey, Bailey, I need some career advice.

Quote from Joey

Monica: Joey, now you're okay with the house, do you wanna go see your room?
Joey: What? I get my own room.
Chandler: You don't think we'd buy a house and not have a Joey room, do you?
Joey: Oh, my God. Hey, can I have an aquarium and a sex swing?
Chandler and Monica: No.
Joey: Why not? I'll keep the tank clean.

Quote from Mike

Mike: So what's new?
Phoebe: Well, I'm no longer Phoebe Buffay.
Mike: That's great. You changed your name?
Phoebe: Yes, I did. Meet Princess Consuela Bananahammock.
Mike: You're kidding, right?
Phoebe: Nope.
Mike: You really did that?
Phoebe: Yep.
Mike: You can't do that.
Phoebe: Why? Why? It's fun. It's different. No one else has a name like it.
Mike: All right. Then I'm gonna change my name.
Phoebe: Great. Okay, what you're gonna change it to?
Mike: Crap Bag.
Phoebe: Mike Crap Bag?
Mike: No. No "Mike". No, just "Crap Bag". First name: Crap. Last name: Bag.
Phoebe: You're not serious, right?
Mike: Yeah I'm serious. It's fun. It's different. No one else has a name like that.


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