Monica: So was it a lot more money?
Chandler: It doesn't matter. I just don't want to be one of those guys who's in his office until 1 o'clock at night worrying about the WENUS.
Rachel: The, the "WENUS"?
Chandler: Weekly Estimated Net Usage System. It's a processing term.
Rachel: Oh, that WENUS.

Phoebe: Is he all right?
Ross: Yeah, the doctor got the K out. He also found an M and an O.
Chandler: We think he was trying to spell out "monkey".

Monica: Chandler, you are not gonna die alone.
Chandler: Janice was my safety net, okay? And now I have to get a snake.
Phoebe: Uh-uh. Why is that?
Chandler: If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing. You know, a hook. Like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be "Crazy Man With A Snake." You know, Crazy Snake Man. Then I'll get more snakes, call them my babies. Kids won't walk past my place, they will will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout!

Chandler: Look, Joey. I'm sorry. I realize this is the role of a lifetime for you and if I could just fire Joseph, I would. But unfortunately that's not possible. So I'm going to have to let both of you go.
Joey: What are you talking about? Everybody loves Joseph.
Chandler: I don't. I hate Joseph. Okay, I think he's a brown-nosing suck-up.
Joey: Oh, yeah? Well you can't fire Joseph. You know why? Because he's not in your department.
Chandler: All right, okay. All right. So I can't fire Joseph but I can sleep with his wife.
Joey: Not Karen!
Chandler: Yeah, I'm thinking about having an affair with her. You know what? I just did.
Joey: Oh! What the hell are you doing to me, man?
Chandler: Oh, it's not me. It's my character! Chandie. Yeah, the rogue processor who seduces his coworkers' wives for sport and then laughs about it the next day at the water cooler.
In fact, I have her panties right there in my drawer!
Joey: Really?
Chandler: No, freak show, she's fictional.

Chandler: Get up.
Joey: What?
Chandler: You're in my seat.
Joey: How is this your seat?
Chandler: Because I was sitting there.
Joey: But then you left.
Chandler: Well, it's not like I went to Spain. I went to the bathroom.

Chandler: Oh, my God!
Joey: What?
Chandler: Are you all right?
Joey: Yeah.
Chandler: What happened?
Joey: Oh, man, he promised he wouldn't take the chairs.
Chandler: What the hell happened. How were you locked in? Where the hell is all of our stuff?
Joey: Well, this guy came by to look at the unit and he said he didn't think it was big enough to fit a grown man.
Chandler: So you got in voluntarily?
Joey: I was trying to make a sale! Oh man, if I ever run into that guy, you know what I'm going to do?
Chandler: Bend over?

Janice: Face it, honey, I am not letting you get away this time.
Chandler: I hear you. But unfortunately, my company is transferring me overseas.
Janice: Oh, no. Where to? To Paris?
Chandler: No, not Paris.
Janice: Ooh, to London? Rome? Vienna? Ooh, ooh, Barcelona?
Chandler: Okay, could you just stop talking for a second? Yemen. [Janice gasps] That's right. Yes. I'm being transferred to Yemen.
Janice: When?
Chandler: I don't know exactly.
Janice: Well, I will just have to soak up every ounce of Chandler Bing until that moment comes.
Chandler: But I do know it's sometime tomorrow.

Chandler: Okay, look. I can't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore. So you win. Okay? Here. Pheebs, flying a jet? Better make it a spaceship so you can get back to your home planet. And Ross, phone call for you today. Tom Jones. He wants his pants back. And Hornswoggle? What, are you dating a character from Fraggle Rock? [groans]

Chandler: Okay, did you see that? With the inappropriate, and the pinching?
Monica: Actually, I did.
Chandler: So now do you believe that she's attracted to me?
Monica: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. She knows about us.
Chandler: Are you serious?
Monica: Phoebe knows, and she's just trying to freak us out. That's the only explanation for it.
Chandler: Okay, but what about, you know, my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps? [Chandler feels his arm] She knows!

Joey: That Porsche guy took his car back.
Chandler: But you found the keys to his clothes?
Joey: No, I just love the way it feels when everybody thinks I own a Porsche.
Monica: And people will think you own the Porsche because you're wearing the clothes?
Joey: Of course. Only an idiot would wear this stuff if he didn't have the car.
Chandler: That is true.