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‘The One with Joey's Porsche’ Quotes

Friends: The One with Joey's Porsche

605. The One with Joey's Porsche

Aired October 21, 1999

After finding the keys to a Porsche in Central Perk's lost and found box, Joey pretends to be the car's owner. Meanwhile, Ross and Rachel try to get their marriage annulled, and Phoebe babysits her brother's triplets.

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: Ross didn't get the annulment. We are still married.
Monica: You are kidding?
Phoebe: Oh, my God!
Monica: Ross.
Ross: Okay, maybe it wasn't my best decision, but I just couldn't face another failed marriage.
Chandler: Let me just jump in and ask, at what point did you think this was a successful marriage?

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Quote from Joey

Joey: Did anybody lose their keys?
Monica: Joey, why don't you put them in the lost and found?
Joey: There's a lost and found? My shoe!
Chandler: You left a shoe here?
Joey: Well, I didn't realize till I got home and I wasn't gonna walk all the way back down here with one shoe.

Quote from Ross

Ross: And what- What are you typing that for? She already said we don't get the annulment. Don't type that. What- Stop typing. Hey. Stop typing. Stop typing, "stop typing."

Quote from Monica

Joey: I figured if people keep seeing me just standing there, they're gonna start to think I don't own it. So I figure I'll wash it, right? Monica, you got a bucket and some soap I can borrow?
Monica: Oh, yeah. I got soap and sponges and rags and carnauba wax and polishing compound.
Chandler: You don't even have a car.
Monica: I know. But one time there was this really dirty car parked in front of the building, so I washed it.
Chandler: And?
Monica: And six others.
Chandler: There you are.

Quote from Ross

Ross: You know, I'm sorry, this is insane. I'm not addicted to heroin, I'm not gay, and there is no problem with my ability to consummate anything. Look, I'll consummate this marriage right here, right now.
Judge: That won't be necessary.
Ross: And when we were dating, we consummated like bunnies.

Quote from Chandler

Joey: That Porsche guy took his car back.
Chandler: But you found the keys to his clothes?
Joey: No, I just love the way it feels when everybody thinks I own a Porsche.
Monica: And people will think you own the Porsche because you're wearing the clothes?
Joey: Of course. Only an idiot would wear this stuff if he didn't have the car.
Chandler: That is true.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: Oh, I am so mad, Ross. I don't think I've ever been this angry.
Ross: What about the time I said we were on a break?

Quote from Rachel

Judge: Okay, you two are asking the court for an annulment?
Rachel: Yes, Your Honor. And here are our forms, all filled out.
Judge: So based on your petition, you are seeking an annulment on the grounds that "Mr. Geller is mentally unstable."
Ross: Fine. I'm mentally unstable.
Judge: And based on the fact that "Mr. Geller is an intravenous drug user."
Ross: What?
Rachel: Yes. Heroin and crack.
Ross: Crack isn't even an intravenous drug.
Rachel: Well, you would know.

Quote from Rachel

Judge: Now, it also says here that you "Iied about your sexual preference before marriage."
Ross: Oh, come on.
Rachel: Ross, please. I found the magazines.
Judge: And, finally, that you were "unable to consummate the marriage." Well, that makes sense since you're gay and addicted to heroin.

Quote from Rachel

Judge: Now, if you two were involved in a serious relationship, that really creates a problem.
Rachel: Well, Your Honor, rest assured, that relationship ended two years ago. And you can please strike "consummated like bunnies" from the record?

Quote from Rachel

Judge: Is there anything in this record that is actually true?
Rachel: Well, yes. We got married in Vegas. And the names, I think.
Judge: Well, based on what I've heard, you two certainly don't qualify for an annulment. If you don't wanna be together, you'll have to file for divorce.
Ross: That's great. You happy now? Look what you did with your funny, funny form.
Rachel: What? Me? What about you and your "consummated like bunnies" nonsense?

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: He's got something plastic lodged into his throat. We've got to go to the hospital.
Phoebe: But no, because a doctor won't be able to help him. And it's just gonna, you know,
naturally pass through his system in, like, seven years.
Chandler: I think that's gum.
Phoebe: I'm pretty sure it's gun.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: That was totally your fault.
Ross: My fault? You threatened the judge.
Rachel: Well, you ripped the paper out of the court reporter's machine.
Ross: That was the only way I could get him to stop typing!

Quote from Joey

Joey: Hi. How are the Gellers?
Rachel: Don't call us that.
Ross: The judge wouldn't let us get an annulment. Now we gotta get a divorce. Did a Porsche throw up on you?
Joey: Hey, it's "Porsche-a"!

Quote from Ross

Ross: I gotta say, I know I divorce a lot of women. Never thought I'd be divorcing you.
Rachel: I know. I always thought if you and I got married, that would be the one that stuck. And it wouldn't be a secret. And we wouldn't have our wedding dinner at Pizza Hut.
Ross: [chuckles] Did I even treat?
Rachel: No, it was on the house. It was a newlywed special.
Ross: That may be the most depressing thing I've heard in my life.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Oh, why isn't that valet back with my Porsche?
Guy: Maybe because you've got the keys?

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: I cannot believe that you didn't tell me we are still married.
Ross: Look, I was going to tell you.
Rachel: When? After the birth of our first secret child?

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: Rach, come on. If you think about it, it's actually kind of funny. [laughs] Okay. Maybe it's best not to think about it.
Phoebe: This is inexcusable. I'm shocked to my very core.
Ross: Phoebe, I told her you already knew.
Phoebe: Another lie. You have a sickness.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Ross, just for my own peace of mind, you're not married to any more of us are you?

Quote from Gunther

Joey: Someone left their keys. Ooh, to a Porsche. Hey, Gunther, are these yours?
Gunther: Yeah. That's what I drive. I make 4 bucks an hour. I have saved up for 350 years.
Joey: Nuh-uh.

Quote from Chandler

Joey: You know what, I'm going to go find that guy's car and leave a note on the windshield.
Chandler: Oh, good. When he comes back for his keys, I'll be sure to give him your shoe.
Joey: Great. Thanks.

Quote from Chandler

Phoebe: Oh, good. Good. You guys are here. Listen. How would you like to spend tomorrow taking care of three incredibly cute little puppies?
Monica: Oh, my, God. What a fun day. That sounds great.
Chandler: Yeah, all right.
Phoebe: Okay, well, I'll bring them by tomorrow morning. And by the way, they're not actually puppies. They're Frank and Alice's triplets. Okay, see you.
Chandler: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?
Phoebe: Please, please, please? Oh, please, please, please. Frank and Alice asked me to babysit the triplets and I'm nervous because I've never done that before by myself.
Monica: Don't worry about it, Phoebe. We'll absolutely do it.
Chandler: Yeah, I'm gonna pass, because I was kind of iffy when it was puppies.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: So I still have boxes here. Ra I still have boxes at Ross's. And I have nowhere to live. Wow, I could so easily freak out right now.
Phoebe: What about me? I just found out Denise is leaving town for a while. I don't have a roommate.
Rachel: Well, maybe I could be your roommate, Pheebs.
Phoebe: Maybe you could be my roommate.
Rachel: Well, there's an idea.
Phoebe: Yeah. That would be great.
Rachel: Wait. How long is Denise gone for?
Phoebe: She said she'd be back December 26th.
Rachel: December 26th. Maybe she's Santa Claus.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Ross, you know what, I just got- Why did you do this?
Ross: Look, I told you-
Rachel: I don't wanna hear "three failed marriages."
Ross: Look, if you'd had two failed marriages, you'd understand.
Rachel: Well, you know what, thanks to you, I'm halfway there.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: I just think things will go smoother if we each have our own zone. Phoebe, you can be in charge of wiping. And Mon, you know, you can be in charge of diapering. And I can be in charge of looking at how cute they are when they put their hands... [cutesy babbling]

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: This is exactly how we set the plates at the restaurant.
Phoebe: Yeah? Well, this is not what I ordered.

Quote from Joey

Joey: I'm having the best morning. That Porsche I've got the keys to? Still there.
Chandler: Shocking, since you still have the keys.

Quote from Joey

Joey: You should see the treatment I get when I'm with that car. People are friendly. They wanna talk. And not just about the car. One guy gave me advice about my equity investments.
Chandler: What equity investments?
Joey: The ones that got me the Porsche. Will you keep up?

Quote from Joey

Joey: Yeah, she tops out at 130. But that's just in the city. I get her up to 160 upstate.
Guy: Really? You got a place upstate?
Joey: Sure.

Quote from Joey

Car Owner: Hey. That's my car.
Joey: Really? Oh, just give me five more minutes.
Car Owner: What are you doing?
Joey: Well, I found the keys, and now I'm just polishing her up.
Car Owner: But it's my car.
Joey: Yeah, but it's my wax.
Car Owner: Listen, I don't come to the city much. And I don't know if you're crazy or if this is some kind of street theater, but could I have my keys?
Joey: Sure. Yeah. I'll save you your parking spot.
Car Owner: I'm not coming back.
Joey: Why not?
Car Owner: I live upstate.
Joey: Yeah, so did l.

Quote from Monica

Phoebe: Oh, look at little Leslie stretching in her sleep.
Monica: Oh, it's so cute. I wonder what age it is that you stop being able to put both legs behind your head.
Phoebe: Oh, I can still do that.
Monica: How are you still single?

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Okay, do you see what you are keeping me married to?
Judge: You need to get out of my chambers.
Rachel: All right, look, lady, here is the deal. I came here for an annulment, and I am not leaving here until I get one.
Judge: Would you like to spend the night in jail?
Rachel: Thank you for your time.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Yeah, but only a genius would swallow a sonic blaster gun.
Joey: Oh, I've been there.

Quote from Joey

Joey: I am gonna go drive my Porsche.
Monica: Joey, you know you don't actually have one.
Joey: Come on, what are you doing? I'm in character. Will you talk to her?

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I just have to clean that up. Because, let's face it, we're at Monica's.

Quote from Chandler

Phoebe: How do you feel?
Chandler: Well, let's just say, Krog will be fully equipped to destroy the universe again in 12 to 14 hours.

Quote from Chandler

Phoebe: So I totally took care of the babies all by myself. I fed them, bathed them and put them to bed.
Chandler: And protected them from a tornado?
Monica: Oh, my God.
Phoebe: I know. The babies are asleep.
Monica: Phoebe, what happened here?
Phoebe: I did it. I took care of the babies all by myself.
Monica: But my apartment-
Chandler: Was the setting of Phoebe's triumph.
Monica: But the mess.
Chandler: Is not as important as the fact that Phoebe took care of the babies all by herself.
Monica: You're right. You're right. I shouldn't freak out. Because this is what it'll be like when you and I have babies. When will that be?
Chandler: Phoebe, would you take a look at this mess!

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: I kind of have a little confession.
Ross: What?
Rachel: Well, you know, this whole marriage thing. Kind of my idea.
Ross: Excuse me?
Rachel: Well, remember how we were too drunk to remember anything the night we were married?
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: And I didn't really wanna say anything, but it just kind of kept coming back to me. And, remember, we were in the casino, and for some reason you thought it'd be funny to eat a lot of grapes. And I thought it would be funnier if we got married. So, as a compromise, we decided first to get married and then-
Ross: -to eat a lot of grapes.
Rachel: -to eat a lot of grapes. So, um, sorry I got us into this whole thing.
Ross: So then, I mean, if you think about it this is all your fault.
Rachel: Yeah, don't push it, though.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Careful around my Porsche.
Woman: Hi, Joey.
Joey: Hey. How you doin'?
Woman: He has the most amazing Porsche under there.
Joey: I'd love to show you, but I just tucked her in. She's sleeping. Hey, would you girls like to go for a drink?
[A kid playing football crashes into Joey's "Porsche", revealing nothing but cardboard boxes under the car cover]

Quote from Rachel

Judge: That's not the way the legal system works. This process is based on an objective review of the facts, not of the lies.
Rachel: Objection!
Judge: It doesn't work like that either.
Rachel: Overruled.
Ross: Oh, stop it.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Oh, look who it is. My husband. The apple of my eye.


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