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‘The One with All the Resolutions’ Quotes

Friends: The One with All the Resolutions

511. The One with All the Resolutions

Aired January 7, 1999

With a new year approaching, the group make their resolutions. Ross vows to try something new every day, which leads to an unfortunate incident with a pair of leather pants. Rachel vows to stop gossiping just as she learns some surprising news about her friends.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Okay, look. I can't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore. So you win. Okay? Here. Pheebs, flying a jet? Better make it a spaceship so you can get back to your home planet. And Ross, phone call for you today. Tom Jones. He wants his pants back. And Hornswoggle? What, are you dating a character from Fraggle Rock? [groans]

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Quote from Chandler

Ross: You know what, I am gonna be happy this year. I am gonna make myself happy.
Chandler: Do you want us to leave the room or ...?

Quote from Ross

Ross: I see lotion. I have lotion. Will that work?
Joey: Yeah, sure. Throw some of that on there.
Ross: Hold on.
Joey: Ross, you okay?
Ross: They're still not coming on, man. And the lotion and the powder have made a paste!
Joey: Really? Uh, what color is it?
Ross: What difference does that make?
Joey: Well, if the paste matches the pants, you can make yourself a pair of paste pants and she won't know the difference.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Listen, who are you kissing at midnight? Rachel or Phoebe?
Ross: What?
Joey: You gotta kiss someone. You can't kiss your sister.
Ross: Well, who's gonna kiss my sister?
Joey: Chandler.
Ross: Oh, man! Really?
Joey: Dude. Who would you rather have kiss your sister, me or Chandler?
Ross: That's a good point. Well, since I have that whole history with Rachel, I guess Phoebe.
Joey: Pheebs, Pheebs. Listen. Ross wants to kiss you at midnight.
Phoebe: So obvious. Why doesn't he just ask?
Joey: Rach, Rach. Listen, I'm gonna kiss you at midnight.
Rachel: What?
Joey: Well everyone's got to kiss someone. You can't kiss Ross. You got the history.
Rachel: So?
Joey: So, who would you rather have kissing you, me or Chandler?
Rachel: Oh, good point.

Quote from Ross

Ross: You know what? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say "No divorces in '99!"
Rachel: But your divorce isn't even final yet.
Ross: Just the one divorce in '99!

Quote from Chandler

Ross: Every day I am gonna do one thing I have never done before. That is my New Year's resolution.
Phoebe: Ooh, that's a good one. Mine is to pilot a commercial jet.
Chandler: That's a good one, too, Pheebs. Now all you have to do is find a planeload of people whose resolution is to plummet to their deaths.

Quote from Chandler

Phoebe: Maybe your resolution should be not to make fun of your friends. Especially the ones who might fly you to Europe for free on their own plane.
Monica: She has a better chance of flying up your nose than you do of not making fun of us.
Ross: In fact, I'll bet you $50 you can't go the whole year without making fun of us. Better yet, a week.
Chandler: I'll take that bet, my friend. And you know what, paying me the $50 can be the "new thing you do" that day. And it starts right now.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Look. Blaire forgot her glasses. She's going to really be needing these to keep an eye on that boyfriend. Who, from what I hear, needs to keep his stapler in his desk drawer, if you know what I'm talking about.
Monica: Hey, Rach, maybe your resolution should be to gossip less.
Rachel: What? I don't gossip.
[Chandler and Joey laugh]
Rachel: Maybe sometimes I find out things. Or I hear something and I pass that information on. You know, kind of like a public service. It doesn't mean I'm a gossip. I mean, would you cal Ted Koppel a gossip?
Monica: Well, if Ted Koppel talked about his coworkers' botched boob jobs, I would.
Rachel: Well, they were like this!

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: "Elizabeth Hornswoggle"?
Ross: That's right. Elizabeth Hornswoggle.
Chandler: Horn - Swoggle.
Joey: You okay, Chandler? Something funny about that name?
Chandler: No. No, I just think I've heard it somewhere before.
Joey: Oh, really? Where? Somewhere funny, I'll bet.
Ross: Hey, Pheebs. Oh, guess what. I have a date with Elizabeth Hornswoggle.
Phoebe: Hornswoggle? Oh, this must be killing you!

Quote from Phoebe

Joey: All right, Phoebe, I am ready for my first lesson.
Phoebe: No, you don't touch the guitar. First you learn here, then you learn here.
Joey: Okay.
Phoebe: Okay. Lesson one: Chords. Now, um, I don't know the actual names of the chords. But I made up names for the way my hand looks while I'm doing them. So then this is "Bear Claw", "Turkey Leg" and "Old Lady."

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Ross is wearing leather pants. Does nobody else see that Ross is wearing leather pants? Someone comment on the pants!

Quote from Ross

Joey: I think they look really good. Where'd you get them?
Ross: See, I needed a new thing for today and there's this leather store I go by that always smells so good. And I thought to myself: "Wow. I've never owned a really good-smelling pair of pants before."
Chandler: Oh, come on.

Quote from Joey

Ross: All right, seriously, what do you think?
Rachel: You look like a freak.
Joey: Seriously awful. Awful.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Fine. You learn from your "qualified instructor." But don't come crying to me when everyone is sick of hearing you play "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown".

Quote from Monica

[Rachel picks up the phone, unaware Monica is on the line]
Monica: I can't wait to be with you. I'll sneak over as soon as Ross picks up Ben. I'll just tell Rachel I'm going to be doing laundry for a couple of hours.
Chandler: Laundry. Heh. Is that my new nickname?
Monica: Aww. You know what your nickname is, Mr. Big-
Rachel: Argh!

Quote from Joey

Rachel: Oh, Joey, I have such a problem.
Joey: Well, your timing couldn't be better. I am putting out fires all over the place today.

Quote from Ross

Ross: This year was supposed to be great. Well, it's only the second day and I'm a loser with stupid leather pants that don't even fit.
Rachel: No, you're not a loser.
Ross: Look at me!

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: I'm off too. I'm going to go to the airport. I figure if I hang around there long enough someone's bound to leave one of those planes unattended.
Rachel: Good luck, honey.
Phoebe: Bye.

Quote from Joey

Rachel: Joey, remember that big thing I was gonna tell you about? [Joey covers his ears] I'm not going to tell you. But if you found out on your own that would be okay and we could talk about it, right?
Joey: Well, then it wouldn't be a secret. So, yeah, that would be okay. Yeah.
Rachel: Hey, Joe, would you mind going over into Chandler's bedroom and getting that book back that he borrowed from me?
Joey: Now? You want me to go over there now? Do you know something?
Rachel: Do you know something?
Joey: I might know something.
Rachel: I might know something too.
Joey: What's the thing you know?
Rachel: Oh, no. I can't tell you unless you tell me what I know.
Joey: Well, I can't tell you what I know.
Rachel: Then I can't tell you what I know.
Joey: Okay, fine. [Joey and Rachel look at each other] You don't know.
Rachel: All right. How about I go over there and I will walk into Chandler's bedroom and I will see the thing that I think I know is actually the thing I think I know!
Joey: [gasps] You know!
Rachel: And you know!
Joey: Yeah, I know!
Rachel: Chandler and Monica? Oh, this is unbelievable! How long have you known?
Joey: Too long. Oh, Rach, I've been dying to talk to someone about this for so long. But, listen, you can't say anything to anybody. They're so weird about that.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: It's raining. I don't like to fly in the rain, so...
Joey: Oh, I am gonna go for a walk in the rain.
Rachel: Oh, yeah, me too.
Phoebe: That's weird. I bet they're doing it.


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