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Friends: The One Where Heckles Dies

203. The One Where Heckles Dies

Aired October 5, 1995

When Monica and Rachel's downstairs neighbor, Mr. Heckles, dies, he leaves his entire estate to the "noisy girls in the apartment above" his. After breaking up with a woman over a minor imperfection, Chandler gets an unwelcome glimpse of his future in Mr. Heckles' possesions. Meanwhile, Ross and Phoebe argue over the legitimacy of the theory of evolution. 

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Chandler, you are not gonna die alone.
Chandler: Janice was my safety net, okay? And now I have to get a snake.
Phoebe: Uh-uh. Why is that?
Chandler: If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing. You know, a hook. Like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be "Crazy Man With A Snake." You know, Crazy Snake Man. Then I'll get more snakes, call them my babies. Kids won't walk past my place, they will will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout!

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Quote from Phoebe

Ross: Okay, Pheebs. See how I'm making these little toys move? Opposable thumbs! Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs?
Phoebe: Maybe the Overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.
Ross: Tell me you're joking.
Phoebe: Look, can't we just say that you believe in something and I don't?
Ross: No, Pheebs, we can't. Okay, because it's like math. One plus one equals two. I can't stand by and let you think that one plus one might equal three, or four, or yellow.
Phoebe: Why not? What's this all about? What is this obsessive need you have to make everybody agree with you? What's that all about? You know what, I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope.

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: Okay, Phoebe, this is it. In this briefcase I carry actual scientific facts. A briefcase of facts, if you will. Some of these fossils are over 200 million years old.
Phoebe: Okay, look. Before you even start, I'm not denying evolution. It's just one of the possibilities.
Ross: It's the only possibility, Phoebe.
Phoebe: Okay, Ross, could you just open your mind, like, this much? Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the Earth was flat? And up until, what, like 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing until you split it open and this whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny, tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?
Ross: There might be ... a teeny ... tiny ... possibility.
Phoebe: I can't believe you caved.
Ross: What?
Phoebe: You just abandoned your whole belief system! Before, I didn't agree with you, but at least I respected you.
Ross: But-
Phoebe: How are you gonna go into work tomorrow? How are you going to face the other science guys? How are you going to face yourself? Oh. [Ross closes his briefcase and somberly walks out of the apartment] That was fun. So who's hungry?

Quote from Joey

Monica: How many women will you reject over superficial, insignificant things-
Joey: Whoa, whoah. Hold it. I mean, I gotta side with Chandler on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl. Really hot. Great kisser but she had the biggest Adam's apple. Drove me nuts.
Chandler: You or me?
Ross: I got it. Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.
Joey: You guys are messing with me, right?
Ross: Yes, we are!
Joey: That's a good one. For a second there, I was like, whoa!

Quote from Joey

Chandler: Okay, Janice. Janice. You gotta give me Janice. That wasn't about being picky.
Ross: We'll give you Janice.
Phoebe: I miss Janice, though. [mimics Janice] Hello, Chandler Bing.
Rachel: [mimics Janice] Oh, my God!
Joey: [mimics Janice] Oh, Chandler. Now! Now! Yeah! That's it. There! Faster!

Quote from Janice

Janice: Hey, it's everybody!
Monica: Hi, Janice.
Chandler: Janice, you're-
Janice: Yes, I am.
Chandler: ls it?
Janice: ls it yours? You wish, Chandler Bing! You are looking at a married lady now.
Chandler: Congratulations.
Janice: Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.
Chandler: You couldn't have told me about this over the phone?
Janice: And what? Miss the expression on your face? Oh, no! Janice likes to have her fun! [laughs]

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you don't believe in evolution?
Phoebe: Not really.
Ross: You don't believe in evolution?
Phoebe: I don't know. It's just, you know. Monkeys, Darwin, it's a nice story. I just think it's a little too easy.
Ross: "Too easy"? Too- The process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms is "too easy"?
Phoebe: Yeah, I just don't buy it.
Ross: Excuse me. Evolution is not for you to buy, Phoebe. Evolution is scientific fact, like the air we breathe, like gravity.
Phoebe: Oh, okay. Don't get me started on gravity.
Ross: You don't believe in gravity?
Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that, you know, like, I don't believe in it. It's just, I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: So how was Joan?
Chandler: Broke up with her.
Phoebe: Oh, why?
Ross: Don't tell me. Because of the big nostril thing?
Chandler: They were huge! When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.
Rachel: Oh, come on. They were not that huge.
Chandler: I'm telling you, she leaned back, I could see her brain.

Quote from Rachel

Monica: Hello, Mr. Heckles.
Mr. Heckles: You're doing it again.
Monica: We're not doing anything.
Mr. Heckles: You're stomping. It's disturbing my birds.
Rachel: You don't have birds.
Mr. Heckles: I could have birds.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: How did this happen?
Mr. Treeger: He must have been sweeping. They found a broom in his hand.
Rachel: Oh, dear God.
Monica: That's terrible.
Mr. Treeger: I know. I was sweeping yesterday. It could've been me.
Ross: Sweeping. You never know.

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