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‘The One Where Heckles Dies’ Quotes

Friends: The One Where Heckles Dies

203. The One Where Heckles Dies

Aired October 5, 1995

When Monica and Rachel's downstairs neighbor, Mr. Heckles, dies, he leaves his entire estate to the "noisy girls in the apartment above" his. After breaking up with a woman over a minor imperfection, Chandler gets an unwelcome glimpse of his future in Mr. Heckles' possesions. Meanwhile, Ross and Phoebe argue over the legitimacy of the theory of evolution. 

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: Okay, Pheebs. See how I'm making these little toys move? Opposable thumbs! Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs?
Phoebe: Maybe the Overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.
Ross: Tell me you're joking.
Phoebe: Look, can't we just say that you believe in something and I don't?
Ross: No, Pheebs, we can't. Okay, because it's like math. One plus one equals two. I can't stand by and let you think that one plus one might equal three, or four, or yellow.
Phoebe: Why not? What's this all about? What is this obsessive need you have to make everybody agree with you? What's that all about? You know what, I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope.

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Quote from Phoebe

Ross: Okay, Phoebe, this is it. In this briefcase I carry actual scientific facts. A briefcase of facts, if you will. Some of these fossils are over 200 million years old.
Phoebe: Okay, look. Before you even start, I'm not denying evolution. It's just one of the possibilities.
Ross: It's the only possibility, Phoebe.
Phoebe: Okay, Ross, could you just open your mind, like, this much? Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the Earth was flat? And up until, what, like 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing until you split it open and this whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny, tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?
Ross: There might be ... a teeny ... tiny ... possibility.
Phoebe: I can't believe you caved.
Ross: What?
Phoebe: You just abandoned your whole belief system! Before, I didn't agree with you, but at least I respected you.
Ross: But-
Phoebe: How are you gonna go into work tomorrow? How are you going to face the other science guys? How are you going to face yourself? Oh. [Ross closes his briefcase and somberly walks out of the apartment] That was fun. So who's hungry?

Quote from Joey

Monica: How many women will you reject over superficial, insignificant things-
Joey: Whoa, whoah. Hold it. I mean, I gotta side with Chandler on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl. Really hot. Great kisser but she had the biggest Adam's apple. Drove me nuts.
Chandler: You or me?
Ross: I got it. Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.
Joey: You guys are messing with me, right?
Ross: Yes, we are!
Joey: That's a good one. For a second there, I was like, whoa!

Quote from Joey

Chandler: Okay, Janice. Janice. You gotta give me Janice. That wasn't about being picky.
Ross: We'll give you Janice.
Phoebe: I miss Janice, though. [mimics Janice] Hello, Chandler Bing.
Rachel: [mimics Janice] Oh, my God!
Joey: [mimics Janice] Oh, Chandler. Now! Now! Yeah! That's it. There! Faster!

Quote from Janice

Janice: Hey, it's everybody!
Monica: Hi, Janice.
Chandler: Janice, you're-
Janice: Yes, I am.
Chandler: ls it?
Janice: ls it yours? You wish, Chandler Bing! You are looking at a married lady now.
Chandler: Congratulations.
Janice: Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.
Chandler: You couldn't have told me about this over the phone?
Janice: And what? Miss the expression on your face? Oh, no! Janice likes to have her fun! [laughs]

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Chandler, you are not gonna die alone.
Chandler: Janice was my safety net, okay? And now I have to get a snake.
Phoebe: Uh-uh. Why is that?
Chandler: If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing. You know, a hook.
Like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be "Crazy Man With A Snake." You know, Crazy Snake Man. Then I'll get more snakes, call them my babies. Kids won't walk past my place, they will will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout!

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you don't believe in evolution?
Phoebe: Not really.
Ross: You don't believe in evolution?
Phoebe: I don't know. It's just, you know. Monkeys, Darwin, it's a nice story. I just think it's a little too easy.
Ross: "Too easy"? Too- The process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms is "too easy"?
Phoebe: Yeah, I just don't buy it.
Ross: Excuse me. Evolution is not for you to buy, Phoebe. Evolution is scientific fact, like the air we breathe, like gravity.
Phoebe: Oh, okay. Don't get me started on gravity.
Ross: You don't believe in gravity?
Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that, you know, like, I don't believe in it. It's just, I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: So how was Joan?
Chandler: Broke up with her.
Phoebe: Oh, why?
Ross: Don't tell me. Because of the big nostril thing?
Chandler: They were huge! When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.
Rachel: Oh, come on. They were not that huge.
Chandler: I'm telling you, she leaned back, I could see her brain.

Quote from Rachel

Monica: Hello, Mr. Heckles.
Mr. Heckles: You're doing it again.
Monica: We're not doing anything.
Mr. Heckles: You're stomping. It's disturbing my birds.
Rachel: You don't have birds.
Mr. Heckles: I could have birds.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: How did this happen?
Mr. Treeger: He must have been sweeping. They found a broom in his hand.
Rachel: Oh, dear God.
Monica: That's terrible.
Mr. Treeger: I know. I was sweeping yesterday. It could've been me.
Ross: Sweeping. You never know.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: That's fine, go ahead and scoff. There are a lot of things I don't believe in but that doesn't mean they're not true.
Joey: Such as?
Phoebe: Like crop circles or the Bermuda Triangle or evolution.

Quote from Monica

Monica: I can't believe that this whole time we thought he hated us. Isn't it amazing how much you can touch someone's life without even knowing it?
[cut to the group in Mr. Heckles' apartment, surrounded by rubbish]
Would you look at this dump? He hated us! This was his final revenge!

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: How can you not believe in evolution?
Phoebe: I don't know, just don't. Look at this funky shirt!
Ross: Pheebs, I have studied evolution my entire adult life. And I can tell you we have collected fossils from all over the world that actually show the evolution of different species.
Okay, I mean, you can literally see them evolving through time.
Phoebe: Really? You can actually see it?
Ross: You bet! In the U.S., China, Africa, all over!
Phoebe: See, I didn't know that.
Ross: Well, there you go.
Phoebe: Huh. So now the real question is, who put those fossils there and why?

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Look at this! My Big Book of Grievances.
Joey: Hey, there's me! "April 17th, excessive noise Italian guy comes home with a date."
Joey: Chandler, look, you're in here too.
Chandler: "April 18th, excessive noise Italian guy's gay roommate brings home dry cleaning." Well, that's excellent.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet. He was in the scale modeler's club and I was- Well, there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool.

Quote from Chandler

Joey: Have you been here all night?
Chandler: Look at this. Pictures of all the women Heckles went out with. Look what he wrote on them. "Vivian, too tall." "Madge, big gums." "Too loud." "Too smart." "Makes noise when she eats." This is me. This is what I do. I'm gonna end up alone, just like he did.
Joey: Chandler, Heckles was a nut case.
Chandler: Our trains are on the same track. Yeah sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. Bitter Town Alone-ville, Hermit Junction!

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: What if I never find somebody? Or worse, what if I found her but I dumped her because she pronounces it, "supposably"?

Quote from Joey

Joey: "Supposably." Supposably! Did they go to the zoo? Supposably.

Quote from Janice

Chandler: Hi, it's me.
Janice: Oh my God.

Quote from Ross

Phoebe: Janice? You called Janice?
Chandler: Yes. Janice. Why is that so difficult for you to comprehend?
Ross: You remember Janice, right?

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Hey, Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp.
Chandler: Neat. I'm gonna die alone!
Rachel: Okay, you win.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: [inner monologue] My God, that's a big head! It didn't look this big in the office. Maybe it's the lighting.
My head must look like a golf ball at work. Don't get hung up on it. Quick! List five things you like about her: nice smile, good dresser, big head, big head, big head!


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