Chandler: Look, Joey. I'm sorry. I realize this is the role of a lifetime for you and if I could just fire Joseph, I would. But unfortunately that's not possible. So I'm going to have to let both of you go.
Joey: What are you talking about? Everybody loves Joseph.
Chandler: I don't. I hate Joseph. Okay, I think he's a brown-nosing suck-up.
Joey: Oh, yeah? Well you can't fire Joseph. You know why? Because he's not in your department.
Chandler: All right, okay. All right. So I can't fire Joseph but I can sleep with his wife.
Joey: Not Karen!
Chandler: Yeah, I'm thinking about having an affair with her. You know what? I just did.
Joey: Oh! What the hell are you doing to me, man?
Chandler: Oh, it's not me. It's my character! Chandie. Yeah, the rogue processor who seduces his coworkers' wives for sport and then laughs about it the next day at the water cooler.
In fact, I have her panties right there in my drawer!
Joey: Really?
Chandler: No, freak show, she's fictional.

Rachel: Oh, Chandler, Mon, there's only one banana-nut muffin left.
Monica: I ordered mine first.
Chandler: Yeah, but I'm so much faster.
Monica: Give it to me.
Chandler: No.
Monica: Give it to me!
Chandler: Okay, you can have it. [Chandler licks the muffin]
Monica: There you go. Enjoy your coffee.
Chandler: That was there when I got here.

Ross: Oh, look, look. A low-budget puppet show.
Phoebe: It's such a shame you can't see what finger I'm holding up.

Monica: You know what, tomorrow, I'm gonna do your clocks.
Richard: You're gonna do what to my clocks?
Monica: I'm going to set them to my time.
Richard: Well, I'm confused. I thought we shared time.
Monica: No. No. See, in my bedroom I set my clock six minutes fast. You wanna know why?
Richard: Because it's in a slightly different time zone than the kitchen?

Monica: I can't believe this. I hate this. You're too normal. I can't believe my boyfriend don't have a "thing." My boyfriend doesn't have a "thing."
Richard: See, if anyone overheard that, I didn't come off well there.

Ross: I just spoke to Carol. Ben's got chickenpox.
Rachel: Oh, no.
Ross: Yeah, so if you haven't had it, chances are you'll get it.
Rachel: I've had it.
Joey: I've had it.
Monica: Had it.
Chandler: Had it.
Phoebe: I've never had it. I feel so left out. Oh, look!

Richard: Are you remaking the bed?
Monica: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know, the way you did it, it was just fine.
Richard: Then you're redoing it because?
Monica: If I tell you, you'll think I'm crazy.
Richard: You're pretty much running that risk either way.
Monica: Okay. You see the duvet tag shouldn't be at the top left corner it should be at the bottom right corner.
Richard: Uh-uh. That's not so crazy.
Monica: I'm just easing you in. All right. You see these little flower blossoms? They should be facing up not down because, well, the head of the bed is where the sun would be. You don't love me anymore, do you?
Richard: Actually, if it's possible, I love you more.
Monica: Really? Wow. Well, then, come on. I wanna show you how to fold the toilet paper into a point.

Chandler: Joey, I'm just saying, if you need something to hold you over I can get you a job here as an entry-level processor.
Joey: But don't you need experience like this?
Chandler: It's not that hard to learn. And as for people realizing you don't know what you're doing, you're an actor. Act like a processor, people will think you're a processor.

Ryan: Hey, baby, I'm back.
Phoebe: Hey, Ryan. What's up?
Ryan: What's going on?
Phoebe: No, no. You have to stay back. I have the pox.
Ryan: Chicken or small?
Phoebe: Chicken, which is so ironic considering I'm a vegetarian.

Ryan: Why aren't you home in bed?
Phoebe: My grandmother's never had chickenpox. Please tell me you have, because oh, my God, I forgot how cute you are.
Ryan: I'm sorry, I never had them. If I had one wish, I'd go back to when I was 7 when Jimmy Hauser had chickenpox, and I'd just rub that kid all over my face.
Phoebe: Yeah, or you could wish that I didn't have them now.