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‘The One with the Chicken Pox’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Chicken Pox

223. The One with the Chicken Pox

Aired May 9, 1996

Phoebe is excited to spend time with an old boyfriend who's ashore for two weeks, until she comes down with chicken pox. Meanwhile, Chandler regrets giving Joey a job at his office when he takes on a new persona, and Monica is bugged that Richard doesn't have any quirks after she reveals her own obsessive compulsions.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Look, Joey. I'm sorry. I realize this is the role of a lifetime for you and if I could just fire Joseph, I would. But unfortunately that's not possible. So I'm going to have to let both of you go.
Joey: What are you talking about? Everybody loves Joseph.
Chandler: I don't. I hate Joseph. Okay, I think he's a brown-nosing suck-up.
Joey: Oh, yeah? Well you can't fire Joseph. You know why? Because he's not in your department.
Chandler: All right, okay. All right. So I can't fire Joseph but I can sleep with his wife.
Joey: Not Karen!
Chandler: Yeah, I'm thinking about having an affair with her. You know what? I just did.
Joey: Oh! What the hell are you doing to me, man?
Chandler: Oh, it's not me. It's my character! Chandie. Yeah, the rogue processor who seduces his coworkers' wives for sport and then laughs about it the next day at the water cooler.
In fact, I have her panties right there in my drawer!
Joey: Really?
Chandler: No, freak show, she's fictional.

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Quote from Chandler

Rachel: Oh, Chandler, Mon, there's only one banana-nut muffin left.
Monica: I ordered mine first.
Chandler: Yeah, but I'm so much faster.
Monica: Give it to me.
Chandler: No.
Monica: Give it to me!
Chandler: Okay, you can have it. [Chandler licks the muffin]
Monica: There you go. Enjoy your coffee.
Chandler: That was there when I got here.

Quote from Chandler

Phoebe: No, he's my submarine guy. He resurfaces every couple years and we have an amazing three days together. Only this time, he's coming for 2 weeks. Two whole weeks, which means "yea"!
Rachel: So this guy goes down for, like, two years at a time?
[Chandler tries to say something, but he has a mouthful of muffin]
Monica: That'll teach you to lick my muffin.
Chandler: [aggravated mumble]

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: I just spoke to Carol. Ben's got chickenpox.
Rachel: Oh, no.
Ross: Yeah, so if you haven't had it, chances are you'll get it.
Rachel: I've had it.
Joey: I've had it.
Monica: Had it.
Chandler: Had it.
Phoebe: I've never had it. I feel so left out. Oh, look!

Quote from Monica

Richard: Are you remaking the bed?
Monica: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know, the way you did it, it was just fine.
Richard: Then you're redoing it because?
Monica: If I tell you, you'll think I'm crazy.
Richard: You're pretty much running that risk either way.
Monica: Okay. You see the duvet tag shouldn't be at the top left corner it should be at the bottom right corner.
Richard: Uh-uh. That's not so crazy.
Monica: I'm just easing you in. All right. You see these little flower blossoms? They should be facing up not down because, well, the head of the bed is where the sun would be. You don't love me anymore, do you?
Richard: Actually, if it's possible, I love you more.
Monica: Really? Wow. Well, then, come on. I wanna show you how to fold the toilet paper into a point.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Joey, I'm just saying, if you need something to hold you over I can get you a job here as an entry-level processor.
Joey: But don't you need experience like this?
Chandler: It's not that hard to learn. And as for people realizing you don't know what you're doing, you're an actor. Act like a processor, people will think you're a processor.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: Scott Alexander, Joey Tribbiani. Joey is a fellow processor.
Scott Alexander: No kidding?
Joey: Oh, yeah. I process. People want the processing, I'm the one they call.
Scott Alexander: Where do you work?
Joey: Well, right now, I'm in between things. You know how it is, one day you're processing, the next day you're not so much processing anymore.

Quote from Monica

Phoebe: I'm hideous!
Monica: It's gonna be okay. Hey, Ryan's been underwater. He's just gonna be glad you don't have barnacles on your butt.

Quote from Phoebe

Ryan: Hey, baby, I'm back.
Phoebe: Hey, Ryan. What's up?
Ryan: What's going on?
Phoebe: No, no. You have to stay back. I have the pox.
Ryan: Chicken or small?
Phoebe: Chicken, which is so ironic considering I'm a vegetarian.

Quote from Phoebe

Ryan: Why aren't you home in bed?
Phoebe: My grandmother's never had chickenpox. Please tell me you have, because oh, my God, I forgot how cute you are.
Ryan: I'm sorry, I never had them. If I had one wish, I'd go back to when I was 7 when Jimmy Hauser had chickenpox, and I'd just rub that kid all over my face.
Phoebe: Yeah, or you could wish that I didn't have them now.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: Hey, how's the first day going?
Joey: Good. It's like you said. It's mostly jut putting numbers from one column into another.
Chandler: There you go.
Joey: And everybody is so nice. I just had a good talk with that lady with the red hair, Jeannie.
Chandler: Jeannie? The head of East Coast operations, Jeannie?
Joey: Yeah. Turns out our kids go to the same school. Yeah. Small world, huh?
Chandler: Weird world. Your kids?
Joey: I figure my character has kids.
Chandler: You know, there isn't a part of that sentence I don't need explained.

Quote from Joey

Joey: You see, when you're acting, you need to think about stuff like that. My character, Joseph the processing guy has two little girls, Ashley and Brittany. Ashley copies everything Brittany does.
Chandler: Well, invisible kids can be that way sometimes.

Quote from Joey

Joey: You know, Joseph and his wife, Karen, are thinking of having a third kid. You know what? Just did.
Chandler: Really, wow. That's some pretty powerful imaginary sperm you must have there.

Quote from Ross

[Ross and Rachel walk in on Phoebe and Ryan rubbing up against each other to try scratch their chicken pox]
Rachel: Stop that right now.
Ross: You know, I might've expected this of you, Phoebe. But, Ryan, you're a military man.

Quote from Chandler

Joey: What a phony.
Chandler: Well, I'm sure you'll teach her a lesson when she steps off the dock onto nothing.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: Hey, Mr. Douglas.
Mr. Douglas: Bing, I got your memo. We're not gonna see the report until next Friday?
Chandler: Well, my group wants to spend the holiday with family.
Mr. Douglas: I have a family. I'm gonna be here.
Joey: Yeah, Bing. What's that about?

Quote from Joey

Chandler: It's about cutting them a little slack, you know, for morale. Look, if you want to see some rough numbers I can get them to you by Wednesday.
Mr. Douglas: Rough numbers? This company was not built on rough numbers.
Joey: Right, Mr. Douglas?
Mr. Douglas: Have the final numbers on my desk by Tuesday.
Chandler: If you say so, sir.
Joey: Joseph's good, isn't he?
Chandler: Well, I'm going to kill you.
Joey: Hey. Hey, I just figured Joseph's the kind of guy who likes to mix it up. You know, get in there, ruffle some feathers.
Chandler: Why?
Joey: Look, I'm sorry, but that's what Joseph does. Okay? If you try to pull something he'll call you on it. "What are you trying to pull?" he'll say.

Quote from Monica

Monica: You know what, tomorrow, I'm gonna do your clocks.
Richard: You're gonna do what to my clocks?
Monica: I'm going to set them to my time.
Richard: Well, I'm confused. I thought we shared time.
Monica: No. No. See, in my bedroom I set my clock six minutes fast. You wanna know why?
Richard: Because it's in a slightly different time zone than the kitchen?

Quote from Monica

Monica: I can't believe this. I hate this. You're too normal. I can't believe my boyfriend don't have a "thing." My boyfriend doesn't have a "thing."
Richard: See, if anyone overheard that, I didn't come off well there.

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: Oh, look, look. A low-budget puppet show.
Phoebe: It's such a shame you can't see what finger I'm holding up.

Quote from Monica

Richard: Monica wake up. Monica.
Monica: What's up?
Richard: I thought of a thing.
Monica: Yeah?
Richard: I have to sleep, have to, on this side of the bed.
Monica: No. You have to sleep on this side of the bed because I have to sleep on this side of the bed.
Richard: Or so I would have you believe.
Monica: So you have a side of the bed. Everybody has a side of the bed.
Richard: Hey, come on. You haven't heard my reason yet.
Monica: All right, go on.
Richard: Okay. I have to sleep on the west side because I grew up in California and otherwise the ocean would be on the wrong side.
Monica: Oh, my God. You're a freak.

Quote from Phoebe

Ryan: Can you believe that's how we spent our two weeks?
Phoebe: I know. We didn't do any of the romantic things I'd planned Iike having a picnic in Central Park and coffee at Central Perk. Oh, I just got that.


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