TV Quotes

Joey: Oh. Have either of you ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it expensive?
Chandler: Only if you order stuff.
Joey: I'm taking Ursula tonight. It's her birthday.
Ross: Whoa. What about Phoebe's birthday?
Joey: When's that?
Ross: Uh, tonight.
Joey: Ugh, man, what are the odds of that happening?
Ross: You take your time.
Chandler: There it is.

Jack Geller: I tell you, I wouldn't mind having a piece of this sun-dried-tomato business. Five years ago, if somebody'd said to me, "Here's a tomato that looks like a prune," I'd have said, "Get out of my office."

Ross: Dad, before I was born, did you freak out at all?
Jack Geller: I'm not freaking out. I'm just saying if someone had come to me with the idea- Dad, Dad, Dad.
Ross: I'm talking about the whole, uh, baby thing. Did you, uh, ever get this sort of panicky, "Oh, my God, I'm gonna be a father" kind of a thing?
Jack Geller: No. Your mother really did the work. I was busy with the business. I wasn't around that much. Is that what this is about?
Ross: No, Dad, I was just wondering.
Jack Geller: Because there's time to make up for that. We can do stuff together. You always wanted to go to that colonial Williamsburg. How about we do that?

Rachel: And by the way, have I mentioned that back in high school I was a cow?
Monica: I used to wet my bed.
Rachel: I use my breasts to get other people's attention.
Monica: We both do that.

Dr. Michael Mitchell: Uh, Rachel, it's your dad.
Monica: Hi, Dad. No, no. It's me. Listen, Dad, I can't talk right now. Um, but there's something. Um, there's something that I've been meaning to tell you.
Rachel: Will you excuse me for a second?
Monica: Remember back in freshman year? Well, Billy Dreskin and I had sex on your bed.
Rachel: Oh!

Phoebe: Is he all right?
Ross: Yeah, the doctor got the K out. He also found an M and an O.
Chandler: We think he was trying to spell out "monkey".

Monica: Okay, insurance?
Rachel: Oh, yeah, check it. Definitely gonna want some of that.

Monica: You don't have insurance?
Rachel: Why? How much is this gonna cost?
Monica: I have no idea, but X-rays alone could be a couple hundred dollars. What are we gonna do?
Rachel: There's not much we can do. Uh, unless I use yours.
Monica: No, no, no, no, no.
Rachel: Well, now, wait a second. Who did I just put as my "in case of emergency" person?

Monica: Hi, um, I'm gonna need a new set of these forms.
Admissions Woman: Why?
Monica: I am really an idiot. You see, I was filling out my friend's form and instead of putting her information, I put mine.
Admissions Woman: You are an idiot.
Monica: Yep, that's me. I am that stupid.

Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.
Chandler: That's nice.
Joey: That's nice.
Ross: No, no. With him. I'm on this field, and they hike me the baby. And I know I've gotta do something because the Tampa Bay defense is coming right at me.
Joey: Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.
Ross: Right, but it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinking they can take us. And so I, uh, heh I just heave it downfield.
Chandler: What are you, crazy? That's a baby.
Joey: He should take the sack?
Ross: Anyway, suddenly I'm downfield. And I realize that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there's no way I'm not gonna get there in time. So I am running and I'm running and that is when I woke up. See, I am so not ready to be a father.