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‘The One with the Stoned Guy’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Stoned Guy

115. The One with the Stoned Guy

Aired February 16, 1995

Monica has a horrific job interview when the restaurant owner, a massage client of Phoebe's, shows up at the apartment stoned. Meanwhile, fearing that his "temporary" job has become permanent, Chandler quits, while Ross needs Joey's help to "talk dirty".

Quote from Chandler

Monica: So was it a lot more money?
Chandler: It doesn't matter. I just don't want to be one of those guys who's in his office until 1 o'clock at night worrying about the WENUS.
Rachel: The, the "WENUS"?
Chandler: Weekly Estimated Net Usage System. It's a processing term.
Rachel: Oh, that WENUS.

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Quote from Chandler

Monica: He showed me where the restaurant's gonna be. It's this cute little place on tenth street. It's not too big. It's not too small. It's just right.
Chandler: Was it formerly owned by a blond woman and some bears?

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Coffee.
Joey: Thank you.
Rachel: Cappuccino. And a nice, hot cider for Monica.
Monica: Thank you. Rach, why does my cinnamon stick have an eraser?
Rachel: Oh. [removes a cinnamon stick from behind her ear] Oh, that's why. Sorry.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Hey, you guys. Chandler's coming and he has incredible news. So when he gets here, let's all act, like, you know-
Chandler: Hey.
Phoebe: Never mind. But it was gonna be really good.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: So it's a typical day at work, I'm inputting my numbers, and Big Al calls me into his office and tells me he wants to make me processing supervisor.
Phoebe: That is great!
Joey: Congratulations!
Chandler: So, I quit.
Monica: What, why?
Phoebe: Why?
Chandler: This was supposed to be a temp job.
Monica: Yeah, Chandler, you've been there for five years.
Chandler: I know, but if I took this promotion, it'd be like admitting that this is what I actually do.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Oh, I have something you can do! I have this new massage client, Steve. Anyway, he's opening up a restaurant and he's looking for a head chef.
Monica: Um, hi, there.
Phoebe: Hi. I know. Oh, yeah, I know. You're a chef and I thought of you first. But Chandler's the one who needs a job right now, so...

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Yeah, I just don't have a lot of chef-ing experience. Unless it's an all-toast restaurant.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: Well, what kind of food is he looking for?
Phoebe: Well, he wants to do something eclectic. So he's looking for someone who can create the entire menu.
Monica: Oh my God.
Phoebe: [to Chandler] So, what do you think?
Chandler: Thanks, Pheebs. I guess I just don't see myself in a big, white hat.
Phoebe: Oh, Monica! Guess what?

Quote from Ross

Rachel: Career counselor?
Chandler: Hey, you guys all know what you want to do.
Rachel: I don't.
Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream!
Ross: Ah, the lesser-known "I Don't Have a Dream" speech.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Hey, guys, anyone know a good date place in the neighborhood?
Joey: How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free.
Ross: Okay. Ahem. Does anyone know a good place if you're not dating a puma?

Quote from Chandler

Ross: Her name is Celia. She's not a bug lady. She's curator of insects at the museum.
Monica: So what are you guys gonna do?
Ross: Well, I just thought we'd go to dinner and then maybe bring her back to my place and I'd introduce her to my monkey.
Chandler: And he's not speaking metaphorically.

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: Oh my God, what happened to you?
Chandler: Eight and a half hours of aptitude tests, intelligence tests, personality tests, and what do I learn? "You're ideally suited for a career in data processing for a large multinational corporation."
Phoebe: That's so great! Because you already know how to do that.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Here you go. Maybe this will cheer you up.
Chandler: Ooh, you know, I had a grape about five hours ago, so I better split this with you.
Monica: It's supposed to be that small. It's a pre-appetizer. The French call it an amuse-bouche.
Chandler: Well, it is amusing.

Quote from Rachel

Phoebe: $10 an hour for what?
Monica: Oh, I asked one of the waitresses from work if she'd help me out.
Rachel: Waitressing?
Joey: Uh-oh.
Monica: Of course I thought of you. But. But. But, but. But, you see, it's just this night has to go just perfect, you know? And well, Wendy's more of a professional waitress.
Rachel: Oh. I see. Yes. And I've sort of been maintaining my amateur status so that I can waitress in the Olympics.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: You know, I don't mean to brag, but I waited tables at lnnsbruck in '76. Took home a bronze. Amuse-bouche?

Quote from Joey

Joey: What's the big deal? You just say what you wanna do to her. Or what you want her to do to you. Or what you think other people might be doing to each other.

Quote from Ross

Joey: I'll tell you what. Try something on me.
Ross: Please be kidding.
Joey: Why not? Come on, just close your eyes and tell me what you'd like to be doing right now.
Ross: I'm in my apartment.
Joey: Yeah, what else?
Ross: That's it. I'm in my apartment. You're not there. We're not having this conversation.

Quote from Joey

Joey: All right, I'll start. Ready? Oh, Ross you get me so hot. I want your lips on me now. Now you say something.
Ross: I really don't think so.
Joey: Come on. You like this woman, right?
Ross: Well, yeah.
Joey: You wanna see her again, right?
Ross: Sure.
Joey: Well if you can't talk dirty to me, how are you going to talk dirty to her? Now tell me you wanna caress my butt!

Quote from Chandler

Ross: Okay, turn around. I just don't want you staring at me when I'm doing it.
Joey: All right, I'm not looking. Go ahead.
Ross: Okay. I want- Okay, I want to feel your hot, soft skin with my lips.
Joey: There you go. Keep going, keep going.
Ross: I want to take my tongue and-
Joey: Say it. Say it!
Ross: -run it all over your body until you're trembling with- [Chandler makes a noise behind them, Joey and Ross turn around]
Chandler: With?
Ross: Funny story.
Joey: You're not going to believe this.
Chandler: It's okay. It's okay. I was always rooting for you two kids to get together.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Well, that's very generous. Look, this isn't about the money. It's just, I need something that's more than a job. I need something I really care ab-
And that's on top of the year-end bonus structure you mentioned earlier?
Joey: Your dream! Your dream!
Chandler: Look, Al, I'm not playing hardball here, okay? This is not a negotiation. This is a rejection! No, no, no. Stop saying numbers! Stop saying numbers! I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy! You've got the wrong guy. I'll see you Monday!

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: This is great. You ready?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Chandler: [on the phone] Helen, could you come in here? Thank you, Helen. That'll be all. Last time I do that. I promise.

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: What's up?
Phoebe: Well, in the cab on the way over here, Steve blazed up a doobie.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Smoked a joint, you know? Lit a bone. Weed, hemp, ganja-
Rachel: Okay, okay. I'm with you, Cheech.

Quote from Monica

Monica: These are rock shrimp ravioli in a cilantro ponzu sauce with just a touch of minced - [Steve eats them all] - ginger.
Steve: Well, smack my ass and call me Judy! These are fantastic!
Monica: Gosh! I'm so glad you liked them.
Steve: Like them? I could eat 100 of them!
Monica: Oh. Well, that's all there is of these, but in a about eight and a half minutes, we'll be serving some delicious onion tartlets.
Steve: "Tartlets"? "Tartlets." "Tartlets. " Word has lost all meaning.

Quote from Monica

Rachel: Excuse me. Can I help you with anything?
Monica: You know, I don't know what I'm looking for.
[Rachel mimes a guy smoking a joint]
Steve: Cool! Taco shells! You, these are like a little corn envelope, you know?
Monica: You don't wanna spoil your appetite.
Steve: Hey, Sugar-O's!
Monica: You know, if you just wait another 6 1 /2 minutes-
Steve: Oh, Macaroni and cheese! We gotta make this!
Monica: No, we don't.
Steve: Oh, okay. [drops it, grabs a bag of gummy bears] Sorry.
Monica: Why don't you just have a seat here? Okay. Okay, give me the gummy bears.
Steve: No.
Monica: Give them to me.
Steve: Okay, we'll share.
Monica: No. Give me the bears.
Steve: Well then you can't have any. [the bag splits] Oh, bears overboard! They're drowning! Hey, fellas, grab onto a Sugar-O! Save yourselves! Help! Help, I'm drowning!

Quote from Monica

Monica: That's it! That's it. Dinner is over!
Steve: What! Why? Why?
Monica: Because I've waited seven years for an opportunity like this and you can't wait 4 1 /2 minutes for a stupid, onion tartlet?

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Yes, Fran, I know what time it is but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy! Oh, really? Really? Let me tell you something. You will care about it because I care about it. Got it? Good!
Whoa.


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