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‘Everybody Hates Baseball’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Baseball

218. Everybody Hates Baseball

Aired March 26, 2007

Chris wants to skip going to a baseball game with Julius so he can see a movie with Tasha. Meanwhile, Rochelle is uneasy when her hairdresser Vanessa goes on a date with her brother Michael.

Quote from Risky

Risky: Oh, hey, Rochelle, what do you need, a butter roll or bagel?
Rochelle: Do you still have those celebrity autograph pictures?
Risky: I might have a few.
Rochelle: You got Billy Ocean?
Risky: What you want with a picture of Billy Ocean?
Rochelle: It's for Tonya.
Risky: [scoffs] All right, Tonya. All right, let's see here. Okay, uh, Billie Jean King, Wild Bill Hickok, uh... Billy Joel...
Rochelle: What do you do with these pictures anyway?
Risky: Oh, I sell 'em to soul food restaurants. Okay, Arctic Ocean, uh, Atlantic Ocean, Pacific Ocean... Billy Ocean!

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Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Baby, I haven't seen you this excited since you found that book of food stamps.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She should have seen him when he found a meter with time left on it!
Julius: Look, we got great seats, free tickets, I got the day off, and I get to hang with my boys.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If you threw in a nap, he would die and go to heaven.
Julius: If you threw in a nap, I'd die and go to heaven.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] See?

Quote from Vanessa

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After giving it some thought, Vanessa decided to give my mom a piece of her mind.
Vanessa: Rochelle.
Rochelle: Ah, hey, Vanessa, what's up?
Vanessa: Well, you tell me. Why don't you think I'm good enough to go out with your brother?
Rochelle: I never said that.
Vanessa: I tell you what, Miss High and Mighty, when you figure out what you are trying to say, you call me at home and then say it. Until then, find somebody else to wax your mustache.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What about the soul patch?

Quote from Michael

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Nothing could spoil family time like a visit from my uncle Michael.
Michael: Big Man!
Julius: What's going on, Michael?
Michael: Beside momma being mad at me for eating all the Captain Crunch, nothing.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother had lost more stuff in her purse than the Bermuda Triangle. She lost little things.
[montage:]
Rochelle: There's my lipstick.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She lost big things.
Rochelle: There's that skillet.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She lost great big things.
Rochelle: There's that gallon of milk.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And things she didn't know how she lost.
Rochelle: [sighs] There's my purse.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] They might have found Biggie's killer if they looked inside my mother's purse.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Mr. Omar: Yeah, go to the game, but whatever you do, don't sit behind home plate. My father was killed by a line drive to the the medulla oblongata. Tragic.

Quote from Michael

Julius: Michael, I can't afford those tickets.
Michael: I'm not selling them. We're family. You can have them.
Julius: What's the catch?
Michael: No catch.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father would have accept free tickets to a funeral.
Julius: Box seats, huh?
Michael: Big Man, can I borrow forty dollars?
Julius: Michael, if you needed $40, why didn't you just sell me the tickets for $40?
Michael: That's against the law!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My uncle was a lazy bum, but he was honest.

Quote from Michael

Julius: What you need $40 for?
Michael: I need it for a date. I want to pay, so I could make her a good first impression.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Especially if your second impression is: "Can I borrow you $20?"
Drew: So, who you're going out with?
Michael: Mmm. I ain't saying. I been in a slump lately and I don't want to jinx this one.
Julius: Why don't you get a job?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And move out of your mother's house!

Quote from Drew

Chris: Well, maybe Dad won't mind if I don't go to the game.
Drew: I think he's probably gonna be crushed. I mean, plus he got those tickets for free. It's a Saturday and he got a day off work. I mean, who knows when that's gonna happen again. This was gonna be one of the best days of his life. Now it's ruined. I'm glad some girl didn't ask me to go to the movies. I'm glad I'm not you. Oh, well. See you later.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Where's a flux capacitor when you need one?

Quote from Michael

Michael: Rochelle?! What are you doing out here sneaking up on people? You could've caused me to have a heart attack.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Michael should've died years ago, but his heart was way too lazy to attack him.
Rochelle: What do you think you're doing?
Michael: What?
Rochelle: Why did you ask Vanessa to go out with you?
Michael: Because she cute, she got a good job, she need a man, Mama said I need a woman, plus, I hear she co-signs on loans.
Rochelle: Well, you need to ask somebody else out. You don't see me going around asking your friends out.
Michael: What're you saying, I'm not good enough for your friend?
Rochelle: No, Michael, I'm saying that if you go out with her and have a good time, she's going to expect you to call her back. You ain't got no money, you ain't got no phone, and if she hasn't heard from you, she's gonna be distracted. And if I end up with a bald patch in my head 'cause she left the perm in too long... Oh, you and me... we gonna have problems!
Michael: Well, I'm sorry, sis. She already said yes. I can't cancel right now. What would I look like?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like a bald patch.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] If Tasha were here to do her voice-over, she would admit that she's heartbroken.
Adult Tasha: [v.o.] No, I wouldn't. I wasn't heartbroken, I don't even remember this happening.
Tasha: So I'll see you later?
Chris: Um, yeah.
Tasha: Okay.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] While Tasha silently suffered in Brooklyn...
Adult Tasha: [v.o.] I wasn't suffering then and I'm not suffering now... I don't care.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Be quiet.

Quote from Drew

Drew: Too bad you didn't get to see Back to the Future. You probably could have sat right next to Tasha.
Chris: I know.
Drew: And afterwards, you could have gone to the park, got some ice cream...
Julius: Yeah.
Drew: Probably chocolate, 'cause I know you like chocolate.
Chris: Yeah, I know.
Drew: It would've been one of the best days of your life, and now it's ruined. I'm sure glad I didn't miss the movie to see this game.
Chris & Julius: Okay!

Quote from Monk

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Me and Drew had never been inside Earl's bar. It was a place where men got together to act like men.
Mr. Omar: Hitter's got a full count.
Julius: That don't mean nothing.
Mr. Omar: I'll tell you what it means. It's going to be tragic.
Monk: Tragic? Want to hear about something tragic? You ever been lost in the Peruvian Jungle with a mine stuck to your butt?
Julius: Man, will you be quiet and watch the game?

Quote from Vanessa

Vanessa: Well, then why did you let me go out with him?
Rochelle: I tried to talk you out of it!
Vanessa: No, you didn't. You said, "I don't think this is such a good idea."
Rochelle: Well, what was I supposed to say?
Vanessa: You supposed to say, "He broke, don't go out with him."
Rochelle: And that would make a difference?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Not to Britney Spears.
Vanessa: Yeah, well, when I'm doing something stupid, you're supposed to stop me.
Rochelle: Well, don't blame me, heifer, you're a grown woman.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Believe it or not, that's how they made up.
Rochelle: You still got me on the books for Tuesday?
Vanessa: Does Diana Ross wear a wig?

Quote from Adult Chris

Drew: So, can we go dad?
Chris: Yeah! Gooden's pitching.
Julius: All right.
Michael: Cool. Y'all about to see a good game! You about to see Gooden and Strawberry.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] A few years later, you'd have to go to prison to do that.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Tonya loved Billy Ocean, so naturally, she joined the Billy Ocean fan club and sent off for an autographed picture. But it wasn't the first fan club she joined. There was the DeBarge fan club. The Shalamar fan club. Even the Terence Trent D'Arby fan club. Too bad they were bought out by the Al B. Sure fan club.

Quote from Monk

Monk: Well, what's to decide? Is she cute?
Chris: It's Tasha.
Monk: Tasha! That was the code name to my first field exercise in Qatar. Man, forget that game. They play 180 games a year, every year. That girl asked you out once. Now don't expect her to do it twice. Anyway... I couldn't imagine going to a baseball game with my father.
Chris: Why not?
Monk: Because they didn't have baseball games in the Quang Ngai Province.
Chris: Was your dad in Vietnam?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Nope. Queens.
Monk: I don't know, he disappeared when I was two. I haven't seen him since.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] 20 years later, Monk found his father on MySpace. Profile name: Military Mike-tastic.

Quote from Risky

Risky: Go to the game. My father never took me 'cause I was a test tube baby. Want some peanuts?

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Tonya! I have a big envelope for you!
Tonya: Is it my picture?
Rochelle: Oh, I don't know, but... smells Caribbean to me! Maybe he wrote your name. He probably said something special!
Tonya: Ma, this is not Billy Ocean. This is Billy Dee Williams.
Rochelle: What? Let's see that. Damn it, Risky.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother lost friends over money, and over men, but she wasn't about to let anybody get in the way of a good perm.
Rochelle: Hey, girl.
Vanessa: Hey.
Rochelle: I'm sorry. I shouldn't tell you who you can and can't go out with.
Vanessa: I know. I know you was just looking out for me.
Rochelle: So how was it?
Vanessa: Awful. I never been with a man that cheap in my life.
Rochelle: He's not cheap, he's broke. Trust me, there's a big difference.

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