Risky: Oh, hey, Rochelle, what do you need, a butter roll or bagel?
Rochelle: Do you still have those celebrity autograph pictures?
Risky: I might have a few.
Rochelle: You got Billy Ocean?
Risky: What you want with a picture of Billy Ocean?
Rochelle: It's for Tonya.
Risky: [scoffs] All right, Tonya. All right, let's see here. Okay, uh, Billie Jean King, Wild Bill Hickok, uh... Billy Joel...
Rochelle: What do you do with these pictures anyway?
Risky: Oh, I sell 'em to soul food restaurants. Okay, Arctic Ocean, uh, Atlantic Ocean, Pacific Ocean... Billy Ocean!

Rochelle: Baby, I haven't seen you this excited since you found that book of food stamps.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She should have seen him when he found a meter with time left on it!
Julius: Look, we got great seats, free tickets, I got the day off, and I get to hang with my boys.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If you threw in a nap, he would die and go to heaven.
Julius: If you threw in a nap, I'd die and go to heaven.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] See?

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After giving it some thought, Vanessa decided to give my mom a piece of her mind.
Vanessa: Rochelle.
Rochelle: Ah, hey, Vanessa, what's up?
Vanessa: Well, you tell me. Why don't you think I'm good enough to go out with your brother?
Rochelle: I never said that.
Vanessa: I tell you what, Miss High and Mighty, when you figure out what you are trying to say, you call me at home and then say it. Until then, find somebody else to wax your mustache.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What about the soul patch?

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Nothing could spoil family time like a visit from my uncle Michael.
Michael: Big Man!
Julius: What's going on, Michael?
Michael: Beside momma being mad at me for eating all the Captain Crunch, nothing.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother had lost more stuff in her purse than the Bermuda Triangle. She lost little things.
[montage:]
Rochelle: There's my lipstick.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She lost big things.
Rochelle: There's that skillet.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She lost great big things.
Rochelle: There's that gallon of milk.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And things she didn't know how she lost.
Rochelle: [sighs] There's my purse.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] They might have found Biggie's killer if they looked inside my mother's purse.

Mr. Omar: Yeah, go to the game, but whatever you do, don't sit behind home plate. My father was killed by a line drive to the the medulla oblongata. Tragic.

Julius: Michael, I can't afford those tickets.
Michael: I'm not selling them. We're family. You can have them.
Julius: What's the catch?
Michael: No catch.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father would have accept free tickets to a funeral.
Julius: Box seats, huh?
Michael: Big Man, can I borrow forty dollars?
Julius: Michael, if you needed $40, why didn't you just sell me the tickets for $40?
Michael: That's against the law!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My uncle was a lazy bum, but he was honest.

Julius: What you need $40 for?
Michael: I need it for a date. I want to pay, so I could make her a good first impression.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Especially if your second impression is: "Can I borrow you $20?"
Drew: So, who you're going out with?
Michael: Mmm. I ain't saying. I been in a slump lately and I don't want to jinx this one.
Julius: Why don't you get a job?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And move out of your mother's house!

Chris: Well, maybe Dad won't mind if I don't go to the game.
Drew: I think he's probably gonna be crushed. I mean, plus he got those tickets for free. It's a Saturday and he got a day off work. I mean, who knows when that's gonna happen again. This was gonna be one of the best days of his life. Now it's ruined. I'm glad some girl didn't ask me to go to the movies. I'm glad I'm not you. Oh, well. See you later.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Where's a flux capacitor when you need one?

Michael: Rochelle?! What are you doing out here sneaking up on people? You could've caused me to have a heart attack.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Michael should've died years ago, but his heart was way too lazy to attack him.
Rochelle: What do you think you're doing?
Michael: What?
Rochelle: Why did you ask Vanessa to go out with you?
Michael: Because she cute, she got a good job, she need a man, Mama said I need a woman, plus, I hear she co-signs on loans.
Rochelle: Well, you need to ask somebody else out. You don't see me going around asking your friends out.
Michael: What're you saying, I'm not good enough for your friend?
Rochelle: No, Michael, I'm saying that if you go out with her and have a good time, she's going to expect you to call her back. You ain't got no money, you ain't got no phone, and if she hasn't heard from you, she's gonna be distracted. And if I end up with a bald patch in my head 'cause she left the perm in too long... Oh, you and me... we gonna have problems!
Michael: Well, I'm sorry, sis. She already said yes. I can't cancel right now. What would I look like?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like a bald patch.