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‘Everybody Hates Cake’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Cake

402. Everybody Hates Cake

Aired October 10, 2008

Chris helps an androgonyous student in his Home Ec class with his baking in return for help talking to a girl. Meanwhile, Rochelle meets Tasha's ex-con mother, Peaches (Tisha Campbell), and Drew and Tonya look after Mr. Omar's fish.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back on my block, somebody was catching heat besides me.
Peaches: A ticket? How you gonna give me a ticket?
Meter Maid: You're parked by a hydrant.
Peaches: Do you see a fire? Do you smell smoke? Do you see a dog trying to pee? You know what? You need to give yourself a ticket. You're the one that's double-parked. You give me that pad. Got you now. Now who's violent? Ah! How you like me now? Oh, oh. What, what, what? Now, you got your ticket. What, you want some of this?
Rochelle: Would you look at that? Now, she should be ashamed of herself.
Drew: Didn't you have a fight with that meter maid?
Rochelle: That was different.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No, it wasn't.
[flashback:]
Rochelle: Do you see a fire? Do you smell smoke? Do you see a dog trying to pee? What you need to do is give yourself a ticket. You're the one that's double-parked! Give me that! Give me that. How's it feel now? I give the tickets!

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Quote from Vanessa

Vanessa: What were you doing? Aiding and abetting or something?
Peaches: Yeah, you know how that is.
Vanessa: Mmm.
Rochelle: You do?
Vanessa: It almost happened to me once. I was just sitting in a car.
Peaches: Supposed to be on a date?
Vanessa: Guy hops in with a bag of money...
Peaches: Talk about, "Drive!"
Vanessa: Drive? I hopped out and ran.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's what you should've done.
Peaches: That's what I should've done.

Quote from Rochelle

Peaches: Hey, Rochelle.
Rochelle: Hey.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Translation: "Who told you where I work?"
Rochelle: Who told you where I work?

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After all was said and done, even a roomful of girls wasn't the same as having one good friend.
[After group of students flee, Greg walks out]
Chris: Greg? What are you doing here?
Greg: Got kicked out of the Bronx Academy. So I'm back.
Chris: See you still have that coat.
Greg: I've changed in ways you couldn't imagine, Chris. I've seen things. I've done things. I've tasted blood and it tastes good.
Joey Caruso: Taste that, Tonto. [knocks Greg to the floor] See you later, Kemo Sabe.
[When Greg gets up, he is back in his normal clothing]
Chris: Welcome back, dude.
Greg: Thanks.
Choir: [sings] Everybody hates Chris... And Greg

Quote from Mr. Omar

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While my mom was reeling, Drew and Tonya had Mr. Omar on the hook.
Mr. Omar: Okay, now, let's cut to the chase. This is Herman. All right, now, this is the food. Now, you put in two shakes. Not one, not three, two. Every day, after school. And if Herman survives, I'll pay you 10 dollars.
Drew: What if Herman dies?
Mr. Omar: Then I'll keep my money and buy me another fish.
Tonya: Ooh. The Color Purple. Can we watch it? I love Danny Glover. Mister was the best movie villain since Darth Vader.
Mr. Omar: No. Leave my movies alone. Don't touch anything, don't eat anything. Don't sit, search or stare. Just feed Herman and leave. Got it?
Tonya: Yes.

Quote from Julius

Julius: I knew this androgynous guy when I was coming up.
Chris: You did?
Julius: Yeah. He was one of the baddest dudes I ever met. Pink Bobby Jenkins. He was androgynous way before it was popular. Everybody used to make fun of him.
Chris: Pink Bobby? So did you guys hang out?
Julius: Nope. I didn't want people to think I was androgynous. Then one day, I was coming home from school, and these guys jumped me. Oh, they had me too. Then, next thing I know, here comes Pink Bobby. Man, Pink Bobby was knocking suckers out. I asked him why'd he help me, even though I wouldn't talk to him. But he said he didn't care that I didn't talk to him. It was because I didn't talk about him. After that, we were always cool.
Chris: And people didn't think you were androgynous?
Julius: Look, Chris, unless you show up in a dress, heels and makeup, nobody's gonna think you're androgynous.
Chris: Thanks, Dad.

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Without Greg around to talk this out, I decided to talk to myself.
Greg: Dude, who was that androgynous guy you were just talking to?
Chris: Oh, that's Angel.
Greg: Do I need to kick his ass?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Don't try it. Androgynous guys have a reputation for being great fighters.
Chris: Nah, he's cool. He's in my Home Ec class.
Greg: Home Ec? Do I need to kick your ass?

Quote from Greg

Maria: Who's your friend?
Greg: How you doin', honey? I'm Greg.
Maria: I like your coat.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The skullcap is another story.
Greg: Man, you're so in there. Anyways, I gotta go beat up some nerds. Have fun at your bake-off.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If you don't find any nerds, you could just punch yourself in the face.

Quote from Rochelle

Peaches: Oh. Rochelle. You scared the--
Rochelle: Peaches, what the hell are you doing in my house?
Peaches: [sighs] Girl, I lost my keys, Tasha wasn't home, so I just let myself in.
Rochelle: You let yourself in?
Peaches: Mm-hm.
Rochelle: There's three locks on the door.
Peaches: Oh, yeah, those are no good. You really need to upgrade. I mean, having those locks is like leaving your door wide open.
Rochelle: No, it's not. That was a closed door with three locks on it. Why didn't you break into your own house?
Peaches: That's what I'm saying. It's the locks. Mine are unpickable. You think I'm gonna be standing out on the street looking like I'm breaking into somebody's house?

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: And stay away from my Turtles.
Peaches: Well, you outta milk!

Quote from Mr. Omar

Mr. Omar: Hey, hey! Hey!
Drew: Hey, Mr. Omar.
Mr. Omar: Uh-uh, don't "hey" me. I know y'all were watching my videotape machine.
Tonya: How?
Mr. Omar: The counter told on you. It was at 0743. Now it says 0002.
Tonya: So?
Mr. Omar: So? So the lady I'm seeing likes to do things by the numbers. I was waiting on 800. She had a special surprise for me at 800, and you ruined it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The surprise was, she was a man.
Drew: Isn't that kinda weird?
Mr. Omar: Isn't that kinda none of your business? Look, I told you not to touch anything. A deal is a deal. Now give me back my money. [Tonya hands back the money] Any day now.
Drew: [hands back the money] Tragic.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After a couple of weeks at Tattaglia without Greg, I tried hanging out with a few different crowds to make myself feel better. I tried hanging out with the losers.
Chris: So what do you want to study? Math or science?
Boy #1: Dude, why are you always studying?
Boy #2: Yeah, you act like we're graduating tomorrow. Don't be such a downer.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I even tried hanging out with the break-dance crews. I only had a connection with one person in the school, and it was the wrong type of connection.
Joey Caruso: [punches Chris] What's up, Theo?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] There was only one time during the day that I didn't miss Greg. Home Ec. It smelled like biscuits, and it looked like Victoria's Secret. Greg wasn't there, but if there's one way to replace one good friend, it's with a bunch of strange women. Hey, that's how strip clubs were born.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] For a lot of guys, Home Ec would have been a bad choice. But for me, it was a perfect fit. Everything I did in class I already did at home.
Maria: These are good, Chris.
Chris: Thanks. Maybe I could taste your cookies sometime.
Maria: What'd you say?
Chris: Nothing. You know, I mean, like if you were to bake some here. In class.
Maria: Hm. Don't be funny.
Chris: Okay.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because I was a guy and a good cook, I got a lot of attention.
Girl #1: Bye, Chris.
Girl #2: Bye, Chris.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The only girl in class who wouldn't give me the time of day was Maria. Don't be mad at me because you can't make toast.

Quote from Rochelle

Peaches: Rochelle? Oh, I heard so much about you. [hugs her] Oh, my God. I've been meaning to go upstairs and say hi. But, whoo, things have been so crazy since I got out.
Rochelle: Got out?
Peaches: Mm-hm.
Rochelle: Of what?
Peaches: Jail.
Rochelle: Jail?
Peaches: Mm-hm. Ooh, girl, can you believe it? I go out with this guy, he gon' knock over a liquor store. I'm in the car, and he hop in with a bag of money waving his gun talking about, "Drive, drive, drive!" Next thing I know I'm doing four to six years for aiding and abetting.
Rochelle: All right, well, I will talk to you later.
Peaches: Ooh! Girl, that is a nice purse.
Rochelle: Oh, it's all leather.
Peaches: Mm-hm. See, I knew I would like you. I love people with good taste. You're just like me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Minus the tackiness and the rap sheet.

Quote from Chris

Teacher: Okay, for our second group of partners, we have Sadie and Lola, Tiffany and Amber, Chris and...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Chris and Maria, Chris and Maria, Chris and Maria...
Teacher: ...and Angel.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I hadn't noticed Angel before, but if she looked like her name, as Greg would say, I was about to be in there.

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