Rochelle: Everybody, be quiet. I'll leave the message. [tapes] Hello. Thank you for calling. No one is available to take your call right now. At the sound of the tone, please leave...
Julius: It's a beep.
Rochelle: What's the difference?
Julius: Some people are tone-deaf, but nobody's beep-deaf.
Rochelle: Fine.

Julius: I wonder who that was.
Rochelle: Do you?
Chris: Should we go upstairs?
Julius: No.
Tonya: Did you get fired from your job, Daddy?
Julius: No.
Drew: Did you get fired from your other job?
Julius: No.
Rochelle: Then who was that on the phone?
Julius: I don't know. They didn't leave a message.
Rochelle: Why not?
Julius: I don't know.
Rochelle: Well, if nothing's wrong, why are you bringing me flowers?
Julius: I'm just trying to treat you the way I would want to be treated if I was married to me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now legal in California.

Chris: Hey, so does anybody know a kid from around here named Cleavon Barris?
Rochelle: No, why?
Chris: I got signed up for that Brother from Another Mother program, and they said he lives around here, but I ain't never met him.
Rochelle: Julius, do you know of a child from another mother around here named...
Julius: Cleavon Barris? No.
Drew: You remembered his name pretty quick.
Tonya: Yeah, it'd be better to tell now if you do.
Julius: I don't. I brought flowers for your mother because I love her. Is that so hard to believe?
All: Yeah.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And with that, my father was the first man The Oprah Show ever got in trouble.

Rochelle: He said I looked like her mother.
Julius: You're not old.
Rochelle: Yes, I am. I got kicked out of the club.
Julius: Technically, they just didn't let you in.
Rochelle: Oh, yeah, that's right. I was too old to make it through the door.
Julius: Baby, forget those young girls. They wish they had what you have, and as long as I'm your doorman, you got a lifelong VIP pass to a one-woman club.
Rochelle: That is the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Three weeks later, my mother found the greeting card he stole it off of and refused to talk to him for the next month.

Julius: So I've been spending money on shakes while you've been wasting money on food?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Only my father would think food was a waste of money.
All: Yes.
Julius: I work two jobs, and you let me leave the house with nothing on my stomach but a fish juice shake?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Not cool, unless your husband's a shark.
Julius: If this is how you do when you're trying to get skinny, I'd rather have you fat.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's what Kirstie Alley's man said to her.

Chris: Hey, Dad. Mom said that since you like to work so much to take these letters around the corner. They belong to somebody in the other building.
Julius: [sighs] Okay. I'll see you after school.
Chris: Oh, and I'm gonna be home late tonight.
Julius: Why? What do you have to do?
Chris: Oh, I'm learning how to box.
Julius: Box? How much is that gonna cost?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Just a little dignity.
Chris: Nothing. My teacher's supplying everything.
Julius: That's great. You remember what happened with you and karate. Don't break no bones. Bones are expensive.

Julius: Tonya, come here. Tonya, I know you're growing up, and you can't be my little girl forever.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] So throw her out the house.
Julius: But you've got junior high and high school in front of you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And a foot coming up fast behind you.
Julius: That's the time when most kids make bad decisions. I'm here to help you make good ones.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] By choking some sense into you.
Julius: You understand?
Tonya: I understand, Daddy. [Julius takes out the cassette] For me?!
Julius: Yup.
Tonya: Thank you!
Julius: [takes the tape back] You did something I didn't like, now I'm doing something you don't like.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You're lucky he didn't make you pay $12.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Whenever there was a problem my mother couldn't handle, she'd call my father for backup, like the governor bringing in the National Guard.
[fantasy: Chris flings pots and dishes out of the window as Rochelle hides behind a parked car while a SWAT team, including Julius, moves in.]
Rochelle: Ow!
Julius: What's the situation?!
Rochelle: Chris won't do what I told him.
Chris: You want me to do some dishes?! I'll do some dishes! [screams maniacally]
Julius: I'll handle this.
Rochelle: Oh, that was my-
[After Julius uses a rocket launcher and fires at the window where Chris was, the people on the street celebrate]
Julius: Yes!

Rochelle: Where have you been?
Julius: I stopped to get coffee.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] With his coffee coupon.

Julius: Well, I guess that's good news.
Mr. Omar: Uh, look, look, look, Mr., Mr. Julius, Mr. Julius. I was speaking my mind, but my mind wasn't in the right place.
Julius: So you don't think I'm a bald-headed-
Mr. Omar: Ah! Don't say it! Don't you ever say that. You're a good man, Mr. Julius.
Julius: Mr. Omar, next time you think you're dying, before you start calling people names, be sure. Rent's due on the first.
Mr. Omar: [laughs] Hallelujah!