Adult Chris: [v.o.] While Tonya wanted to be alone, Doc had plenty of company.
Drew: Xièxiè. ["Thanks"]
Doc: Wow, this feng shui thing is somethin' else. Business hasn't been this good since they robbed the food stamp truck. What's this?
Drew: Oh, this is a money tree. It'll bring you good fortune. [an attractive woman enters the store]
Doc: Looks like it's working. [speaking mangled Chinese] Can I help you?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's English for "I don't speak Chinese."

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While Greg was nowhere to be found, Doc couldn't find anything.
Doc: [on the phone] Drew, where did you put the hot sauce? Uh. What you mean, it disrupted the chi? Okay, then where's the chi?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Where the hot sauce used to be.
Doc: Well, I can't pour a philosophical concept on my catfish, now can I? Think. I'll call you back.

Doc: Well... [blows party horn] I sell New Year's, I don't celebrate it.
Chris: Why not?
Doc: Because anything could happen. You remember when Michael Jackson got his hair caught on fire? I bet you any money he celebrated New Year's. And look what happened. If I get through tonight, I'll celebrate tomorrow.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Doc was the only person I knew who celebrated Old New Year's Eve.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The only thing scarier than a man almost dying is being the one that almost killed him.
Chris: I thought walking and meeting people would be good for him. I didn't know he had a weak heart.
Doc: He's old, Chris. Everything on him is weak. What were you thinking? You got him out running around like he's Carl Lewis or something. He forgot four prescriptions. He got pills to take for everything. From his heart beating to blinking his eyes.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He's even got a pill to help him remember to take his pills.
Chris: You think he'll be okay?
Doc: At this age, you can get over anything with a good nap.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] By 1987, everybody in the country had heard of rap music. And most kids either wanted to be a DJ... or an MC. But then something happened to change it all... the Fat Boys, featuring the Human Beatbox.
Chris: [beatboxing]
Doc: Chris! What the hell are you doing?
Chris: Beatboxing. It's the new thing. Buffy the Human Beatbox from the Fat Boys is the best.
Doc: Best at what? Spitting all over everything?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He did say "spit," right?
Chris: Is it okay if I leave a little early today? The Fat Boys are coming to town, and I want to get there early before the tickets sell out.
Doc: Go on. But you're wasting your money. I know a lady that'll spit on you for half the price of what them tickets cost you.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since I was playing the game of love, I decided to get advice from a real player.
Doc: No, you got to move.
Chris: Why?
Doc: She lives right next door, Chris. Where are you gonna go? You'll never get away from her.
Chris: We broke up.
Doc: You broke up. That's like telling the IRS you don't owe them any money. It ain't over till they say it's over.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Ask Wesley Snipes.

Doc: You handled that like a man, Chris. You still got those tickets?
Chris: Yeah. Why?
Doc: I got this young honey on the line and she loves rap.
Chris: Have fun.
Doc: You know I will.

Doc: Here we go. That's four cameras. Between them and these stickers, the thief will stop and think twice.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It did make Malvo stop and think about stealing the cameras.

Chris: I'm sorry for not telling you who robbed the store. I was scared.
Doc: And you're not scared now?
Chris: I want my job back.
Doc: Well, who was it, then?
Chris: [looks around] It was Malvo.
Doc: Malvo!
Chris: Man, would you be quiet?!
Doc: Come inside, boy. Now, why didn't you say so?
Chris: Because he showed his gun to me and he threatened to kill me!
Doc: Exactly my point. That Malvo is crazier than three dogs with rabies. Don't worry, you can have your job back.
Chris: What you doing?
Doc: Calling the police.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since there were no witnesses to the crime, the only way to catch Malvo was to catch him in the act.
Doc: You ready?
Chris: Um... I don't know about this.
Doc: Listen, don't worry about nothing, I'll be right here. He tries anything? Hit him with this bag of quarters.