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‘Everybody Hates Tasha’ Quotes Page 1 of 4

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Tasha

420. Everybody Hates Tasha

Aired April 24, 2009

Chris finally decides to ask Tasha to be his girlfriend. Meanwhile, Rochelle is shocked to learn that Julius is technically married to another woman.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: You know, Julius, you know how much a light bulb costs per watt. How can you not know that you have another wife?!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because those things are less complicated.
Julius: I do not have another wife.
Rochelle: Yes, you do! Look, look, look. It says so right there! You know what? What I want to know is, if she's your wife, then what am I?
Julius: You're my wife.
Rochelle: No! I'm your concubine!

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Quote from Julius

Julius: There is no kid.
Rochelle: How do you know, Julius? You didn't even know that you didn't have a divorce! Oh, my God. W-W-W--W-W-What's going to happen to this family if it turns out there's another one?
[fantasy: as the kids eat at the dinner table, Julius is standing next to a blonde-haired White woman and a young, bald-headed multi-racial guy:]
Julius: Kids, I'd like to introduce you to your new mother Tawny and your new brother Julian.
Julian: Girl, you just wasted $2.17 worth of white meat.
Julius: [chuckles] My boy.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Is she White?
Julius: What? No.
Rochelle: Can she get the house?
Julius: Rochelle.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Is she White?
Julius: Stop it.
Rochelle: Do you have a kid with her?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Is she White?
Julius: No.
Rochelle: Is the kid light-skinned?
Julius: No.
Rochelle: Ha! So you admit that you have a kid! Oh, God, I'm going to be sick!

Quote from Greg

Chris: I think I'm going to get Tasha to be my girlfriend.
Greg: Wow, what a coincidence.
Chris: How's that?
Greg: I think I'm gonna get Janet Jackson to be my girlfriend, and once we both achieve the impossible, we can go on a double date. We'll go to the Playboy Mansion.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And the girls will leave with Pauly Shore.

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While Drew and Tonya were keeping their mouths shut, back at school I was waiting for the word.
Chris: And then I said that would involve kissing and touching... Well, I ran it down.
Greg: Oh, man, you are going to be so in there. I can't believe you ran it down. I would have just ran.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: What am I going to say to my children?
Julius: The kids are going to be all right. Look, look...
Rochelle: Oh don't touch me!
Julius: We'll leave them out of this. Listen, I-I'm gonna sign these papers and take these to the courtroom myself and get this straightened out.
Rochelle: You do that. Because if you don't straighten out what's going on in these papers, you're going to get a set of papers that look just like them. And she better not be White.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] To save his marriage, my father had to get a divorce.
Clerk: How could you not know that you're not divorced?
Julius: I signed the papers and sent them back to her. How was I supposed to know she didn't file them?
Clerk: Because you didn't get your final decree.
Julius: I didn't know I needed a final decree.
Clerk: Well, you should have. Who knows what this woman might have been doing in your name? She could have been holding up banks, taking out loans.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Invading Iraq?
Clerk: Did you have any kids with her?
Julius: No.
Clerk: Is she White?
Julius: No, she is not White.
Clerk: Hmm.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Listen, let me throw a hypothetical situation at you.
Clerk: This should be good.
Julius: Say there was a person who thought he was divorced.
Clerk: A person?
Julius: A person. And that person went and got married again and had some kids. Then, he got some papers that said he was still married to another person.
Clerk: Hypothetically.
Julius: Hypothetically.
Clerk: Well, that person could be arrested and hypothetically sent to jail as a bigamist.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Or just move to Utah.
Julius: Does this mean that person's current marriage is not valid?
Clerk: Hypothetically, no, but between you, me and your hypothetical friend, as long as he files these papers and gets his final decree and everyone here stays lazy, he'll be fine.
Julius: That's good news. Hypothetically.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Out of all the girls I liked growing up, the one that got to me the most was Tasha.
Tasha: [laughs] Boy, you so crazy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She was cute, she liked my jokes, but the most important thing about her was that she was the girl next door.
Chris: I'll see you later.
Tasha: Yeah, see you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like real estate, Tasha's biggest selling point was location, location, location.

Quote from Chris

Chris: I'm serious, man, I don't care what it takes. I'm going to get her.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That line was spoken by many people, most notably O.J. Simpson.
Chris: I mean, I don't know why I've been running all around town when there's a girl right next door ready to be plucked.
Greg: What if she doesn't want you to pluck her?
Chris: Somebody's got to pluck her.
Greg: What if somebody else already plucked her?
Chris: I don't care who's plucked her. She's gonna get plucked by me.
Greg: I wish there was somebody I could pluck.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Thank goodness these guys are good with enunciation.

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