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‘Everybody Hates Tasha’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Tasha

420. Everybody Hates Tasha

Aired April 24, 2009

Chris finally decides to ask Tasha to be his girlfriend. Meanwhile, Rochelle is shocked to learn that Julius is technically married to another woman.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: You know, Julius, you know how much a light bulb costs per watt. How can you not know that you have another wife?!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because those things are less complicated.
Julius: I do not have another wife.
Rochelle: Yes, you do! Look, look, look. It says so right there! You know what? What I want to know is, if she's your wife, then what am I?
Julius: You're my wife.
Rochelle: No! I'm your concubine!

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Quote from Julius

Julius: There is no kid.
Rochelle: How do you know, Julius? You didn't even know that you didn't have a divorce! Oh, my God. W-W-W--W-W-What's going to happen to this family if it turns out there's another one?
[fantasy: as the kids eat at the dinner table, Julius is standing next to a blonde-haired White woman and a young, bald-headed multi-racial guy:]
Julius: Kids, I'd like to introduce you to your new mother Tawny and your new brother Julian.
Julian: Girl, you just wasted $2.17 worth of white meat.
Julius: [chuckles] My boy.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Is she White?
Julius: What? No.
Rochelle: Can she get the house?
Julius: Rochelle.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Is she White?
Julius: Stop it.
Rochelle: Do you have a kid with her?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Is she White?
Julius: No.
Rochelle: Is the kid light-skinned?
Julius: No.
Rochelle: Ha! So you admit that you have a kid! Oh, God, I'm going to be sick!

Quote from Greg

Chris: I think I'm going to get Tasha to be my girlfriend.
Greg: Wow, what a coincidence.
Chris: How's that?
Greg: I think I'm gonna get Janet Jackson to be my girlfriend, and once we both achieve the impossible, we can go on a double date. We'll go to the Playboy Mansion.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And the girls will leave with Pauly Shore.

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While Drew and Tonya were keeping their mouths shut, back at school I was waiting for the word.
Chris: And then I said that would involve kissing and touching... Well, I ran it down.
Greg: Oh, man, you are going to be so in there. I can't believe you ran it down. I would have just ran.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: What am I going to say to my children?
Julius: The kids are going to be all right. Look, look...
Rochelle: Oh don't touch me!
Julius: We'll leave them out of this. Listen, I-I'm gonna sign these papers and take these to the courtroom myself and get this straightened out.
Rochelle: You do that. Because if you don't straighten out what's going on in these papers, you're going to get a set of papers that look just like them. And she better not be White.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] To save his marriage, my father had to get a divorce.
Clerk: How could you not know that you're not divorced?
Julius: I signed the papers and sent them back to her. How was I supposed to know she didn't file them?
Clerk: Because you didn't get your final decree.
Julius: I didn't know I needed a final decree.
Clerk: Well, you should have. Who knows what this woman might have been doing in your name? She could have been holding up banks, taking out loans.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Invading Iraq?
Clerk: Did you have any kids with her?
Julius: No.
Clerk: Is she White?
Julius: No, she is not White.
Clerk: Hmm.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Listen, let me throw a hypothetical situation at you.
Clerk: This should be good.
Julius: Say there was a person who thought he was divorced.
Clerk: A person?
Julius: A person. And that person went and got married again and had some kids. Then, he got some papers that said he was still married to another person.
Clerk: Hypothetically.
Julius: Hypothetically.
Clerk: Well, that person could be arrested and hypothetically sent to jail as a bigamist.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Or just move to Utah.
Julius: Does this mean that person's current marriage is not valid?
Clerk: Hypothetically, no, but between you, me and your hypothetical friend, as long as he files these papers and gets his final decree and everyone here stays lazy, he'll be fine.
Julius: That's good news. Hypothetically.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Out of all the girls I liked growing up, the one that got to me the most was Tasha.
Tasha: [laughs] Boy, you so crazy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She was cute, she liked my jokes, but the most important thing about her was that she was the girl next door.
Chris: I'll see you later.
Tasha: Yeah, see you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like real estate, Tasha's biggest selling point was location, location, location.

Quote from Chris

Chris: I'm serious, man, I don't care what it takes. I'm going to get her.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That line was spoken by many people, most notably O.J. Simpson.
Chris: I mean, I don't know why I've been running all around town when there's a girl right next door ready to be plucked.
Greg: What if she doesn't want you to pluck her?
Chris: Somebody's got to pluck her.
Greg: What if somebody else already plucked her?
Chris: I don't care who's plucked her. She's gonna get plucked by me.
Greg: I wish there was somebody I could pluck.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Thank goodness these guys are good with enunciation.

Quote from Drew

Drew: Can't nobody stand you 'cause you're a liar and you won't shut up.
Tonya: Shut don't go up, prices do, so take my advice and shut up, too.
Drew: You shut up, I grow up. Every time I see your face, I throw up.
Tonya: Shut up.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The Junior Varsity Sugar Hill Gang.
Rochelle: Will both of you shut up? I swear.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That doesn't rhyme.
Rochelle: Y'all couldn't be quiet if somebody paid you.
Tonya: I could.
Drew: No, you couldn't. You couldn't shut up to save your life.
Rochelle: Quiet! Here. Here's your allowance for this week. Okay? The next one that talks loses theirs. Winner gets it all.

Quote from Adult Chris

Greg: What'd she say?
Chris: She said she'll think about it.
Greg: Well, what does that mean?
Chris: It means "Let me check every option, "see if I can get someone I want, and if not, I'll go out with you."
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And when she said every option, she meant every option. She checked blind guys.
Tasha: [to a blind guy] Do you have a girlfriend?
Blind Girlfriend: Yeah, girl. What are you, blind?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She checked dangerous guys.
Tasha: [to a guy robbing someone] Do you have a girlfriend?
Criminal Girlfriend: [pointing gun] Yeah, he does. Now, give me your money.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She even checked guys who were girls.
Tasha: Do you have a girlfriend?
Cross Dresser: I'm my own girlfriend.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was waiting to get my woman, my father's woman was waiting to get him.
Julius: Hey, baby.
Rochelle: Why didn't you tell me you were married to someone else?
Julius: Huh?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now would be a good time to run.
Rochelle: Don't "huh?" me. Tawny Reynolds? Does the name ring a bell?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You better say something. She might have a gun.
Julius: Yeah. Um... It was a long time ago. It was a long time before I even met you. I was 17 in Atlantic City, and we were drunk. We got married. Four days later, we were divorced.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Story of Britney Spears' life.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While my father tried to explain why he had two women, I wanted to find out if I had one.
Tasha: Hey, Chris.
Chris: Oh, hey, Tasha, listen about what I said yesterday-
Tasha: I thought about it. Yes.
Chris: Yes, what?
Tasha: Yes, I will be your girlfriend.
Chris: And I get to touch you?
Tasha: Yes.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] In an 8:00 p.m. sitcom kind of way.

Quote from Chris

Chris: And I get to kiss you?
Tasha: Yes.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Ask for more, ask for more!
Chris: In front of other people? Not just strangers, even people we know?
Tasha: Yes.
Chris: And if anybody asks me, I can say, "Yes, Tasha is my girlfriend"?
Tasha: Yes.
Chris: All right. I need you to sign this. I need your thumbprint there. All right, now, turn that around. [takes out a Polaroid] Smile. [a woman takes the documents] Thank you.
Tasha: Who's this?
Chris: She's notary public. There.
Notary: Here you go. It's official, Chris. Tasha is your girlfriend.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Somebody record this so she can't lie and say it didn't happen.

Quote from Doc

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since I was playing the game of love, I decided to get advice from a real player.
Doc: No, you got to move.
Chris: Why?
Doc: She lives right next door, Chris. Where are you gonna go? You'll never get away from her.
Chris: We broke up.
Doc: You broke up. That's like telling the IRS you don't owe them any money. It ain't over till they say it's over.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Ask Wesley Snipes.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: What's going on with you and Tasha?
Chris: I tried to break up with her, but she wouldn't let me.
Rochelle: Well, there's no such thing as trying to break up with somebody. That's like being a little pregnant. Either you're broken up or you're not. But if you do want to break up with her, let her know that. If you don't, make sure she knows that. Don't have her running around here thinking you're together and you're not. One minute y'all having a little fight, and the next thing you know, you're married with a wife and kids and she's trying to take your house.

Quote from Julius

Bootsy Collins: Glory halle-stupid! Yeah, bobbas, uh, yeah. Now, do you, Julius, take Rochelle to be your rhinestone rock star monster of a doll baby bobba?
Julius: I do.
Bootsy Collins: And Rochelle, do you take Julius to be your rhinestone rock star monster of a man?
Rochelle: I do.
Bootsy Collins: With all the powers invested in me and the blasters of the universe, along with the mother ship connection I now pronounce you man and wifey. Now go funk her up.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He said "funk", kids, with an "N."
Bootsy Collins: Funk her up. [sings] Do you want to get funked up? Funk, yeah, funk her up Don't you want to get funked up?

Quote from Chris

Chris: I don't know why I waited so long.
Greg: I don't know, man. Maybe there's a reason you haven't gotten with her. Maybe you're just not supposed to be together.
Chris: That's impossible. All right? She kissed me on New Year's Eve. We were together for Easter. She even got jealous when I kissed that other girl while we were playing spin the bottle. As far as I'm concerned, all the signs are saying "go."
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But they don't say where to.
Greg: What if she says no?
Chris: Then I'll be back here with you, but I'm going to have her in my life or out.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Oh, I can't imagine how this might turn out.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Tasha, wait up.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since Tasha was right next door, it was easy to find the right time to make my move.
Tasha: Hey, Chris. Look at you, looking all cute. What you got, some girl you're trying to impress?
Chris: Yeah... you.
Tasha: Boy, you so crazy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Oh, I'm crazy all right.
Chris: Tasha, I'm not crazy. I'm serious. I want to say something to you, but I want to make it very, very clear.
Tasha: Okay. What is it?
Chris: I want you to be my girlfriend.
Tasha: I'm already your girl friend.
Chris: No, not in like a friend who just so happens to be a girl or like "Hey, girlfriend." No, I want you to be my girlfriend. One word, not two. Girlfriend, as in "Chris and Tasha are boyfriend and girlfriend."
Tasha: You want me to be your girlfriend?
Chris: Exactly.
Tasha: Hmm. Let me think about it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'd have a much better chance if she didn't think about it.

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