Rochelle: You know, Julius, you know how much a light bulb costs per watt. How can you not know that you have another wife?!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because those things are less complicated.
Julius: I do not have another wife.
Rochelle: Yes, you do! Look, look, look. It says so right there! You know what? What I want to know is, if she's your wife, then what am I?
Julius: You're my wife.
Rochelle: No! I'm your concubine!

Julius: There is no kid.
Rochelle: How do you know, Julius? You didn't even know that you didn't have a divorce! Oh, my God. W-W-W--W-W-What's going to happen to this family if it turns out there's another one?
[fantasy: as the kids eat at the dinner table, Julius is standing next to a blonde-haired White woman and a young, bald-headed multi-racial guy:]
Julius: Kids, I'd like to introduce you to your new mother Tawny and your new brother Julian.
Julian: Girl, you just wasted $2.17 worth of white meat.
Julius: [chuckles] My boy.

Rochelle: Is she White?
Julius: What? No.
Rochelle: Can she get the house?
Julius: Rochelle.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Is she White?
Julius: Stop it.
Rochelle: Do you have a kid with her?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Is she White?
Julius: No.
Rochelle: Is the kid light-skinned?
Julius: No.
Rochelle: Ha! So you admit that you have a kid! Oh, God, I'm going to be sick!

Chris: I think I'm going to get Tasha to be my girlfriend.
Greg: Wow, what a coincidence.
Chris: How's that?
Greg: I think I'm gonna get Janet Jackson to be my girlfriend, and once we both achieve the impossible, we can go on a double date. We'll go to the Playboy Mansion.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And the girls will leave with Pauly Shore.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While Drew and Tonya were keeping their mouths shut, back at school I was waiting for the word.
Chris: And then I said that would involve kissing and touching... Well, I ran it down.
Greg: Oh, man, you are going to be so in there. I can't believe you ran it down. I would have just ran.

Rochelle: What am I going to say to my children?
Julius: The kids are going to be all right. Look, look...
Rochelle: Oh don't touch me!
Julius: We'll leave them out of this. Listen, I-I'm gonna sign these papers and take these to the courtroom myself and get this straightened out.
Rochelle: You do that. Because if you don't straighten out what's going on in these papers, you're going to get a set of papers that look just like them. And she better not be White.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] To save his marriage, my father had to get a divorce.
Clerk: How could you not know that you're not divorced?
Julius: I signed the papers and sent them back to her. How was I supposed to know she didn't file them?
Clerk: Because you didn't get your final decree.
Julius: I didn't know I needed a final decree.
Clerk: Well, you should have. Who knows what this woman might have been doing in your name? She could have been holding up banks, taking out loans.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Invading Iraq?
Clerk: Did you have any kids with her?
Julius: No.
Clerk: Is she White?
Julius: No, she is not White.
Clerk: Hmm.

Julius: Listen, let me throw a hypothetical situation at you.
Clerk: This should be good.
Julius: Say there was a person who thought he was divorced.
Clerk: A person?
Julius: A person. And that person went and got married again and had some kids. Then, he got some papers that said he was still married to another person.
Clerk: Hypothetically.
Julius: Hypothetically.
Clerk: Well, that person could be arrested and hypothetically sent to jail as a bigamist.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Or just move to Utah.
Julius: Does this mean that person's current marriage is not valid?
Clerk: Hypothetically, no, but between you, me and your hypothetical friend, as long as he files these papers and gets his final decree and everyone here stays lazy, he'll be fine.
Julius: That's good news. Hypothetically.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Out of all the girls I liked growing up, the one that got to me the most was Tasha.
Tasha: [laughs] Boy, you so crazy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She was cute, she liked my jokes, but the most important thing about her was that she was the girl next door.
Chris: I'll see you later.
Tasha: Yeah, see you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like real estate, Tasha's biggest selling point was location, location, location.

Chris: I'm serious, man, I don't care what it takes. I'm going to get her.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That line was spoken by many people, most notably O.J. Simpson.
Chris: I mean, I don't know why I've been running all around town when there's a girl right next door ready to be plucked.
Greg: What if she doesn't want you to pluck her?
Chris: Somebody's got to pluck her.
Greg: What if somebody else already plucked her?
Chris: I don't care who's plucked her. She's gonna get plucked by me.
Greg: I wish there was somebody I could pluck.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Thank goodness these guys are good with enunciation.