Adult Chris: [v.o.] Getting my first dog was like getting a whole new lease on life. I guess you could say it was like having a new friend.
Jerome: Hey, little dude, let me hold a dollar. [Chris hands Jerome a dollar] Thanks.
Chris: Go get my dollar. [dog snarling]
Jerome: [screaming]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] A friend with benefits.
Chris: Yeah.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] For a lot of guys, Home Ec would have been a bad choice. But for me, it was a perfect fit. Everything I did in class I already did at home.
Maria: These are good, Chris.
Chris: Thanks. Maybe I could taste your cookies sometime.
Maria: What'd you say?
Chris: Nothing. You know, I mean, like if you were to bake some here. In class.
Maria: Hm. Don't be funny.
Chris: Okay.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because I was a guy and a good cook, I got a lot of attention.
Girl #1: Bye, Chris.
Girl #2: Bye, Chris.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The only girl in class who wouldn't give me the time of day was Maria. Don't be mad at me because you can't make toast.

Teacher: Okay, for our second group of partners, we have Sadie and Lola, Tiffany and Amber, Chris and...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Chris and Maria, Chris and Maria, Chris and Maria...
Teacher: ...and Angel.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I hadn't noticed Angel before, but if she looked like her name, as Greg would say, I was about to be in there.

Mr. Perkins: Do you own photographic equipment?
Chris: No.
Mr. Perkins: Where do you keep your photographic equipment?
Chris: I don't have any photographic equipment.
Mr. Perkins: Have you ever sold any of your photographs?
Chris: I don't have any photographs.
Mr. Perkins: Suppose you did. Where would you keep them?
Chris: I don't own a camera or any photographs.
Mr. Perkins: If your Brother from Another Mother came to your house, what room would you spend the most time in?
Chris: The living room, I guess.
Mr. Perkins: Correct. How's your relationship with your father?
Chris: Fine.
Mr. Perkins: Where does your father keep his photographic equipment?

Chris: You know what? Go ahead. Tell him. I don't care.
Rochelle: Fine. Drew, Tonya, come clean this table up and wash the dishes.
Drew: Yes, ma'am.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I enjoyed time with my father, but I was afraid this might be the last time.

Greg: Maybe if I start you off, you'll remember the speech. All right, it starts like this. "Called from a retirement in which I had supposed..."
Chris: I don't know the speech, and I cannot go back into that class!
Greg: What are you gonna do?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Panic!
[Chris screams as he slaps Greg, pushes two guys out of the way, decks Caruso, knocks over some books, and is restrained by two teachers]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I didn't freak out like that again until Big Puddin' died.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was still hungry but I was almost home. What could go wrong now?
Tonya: Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That girl is tryin' to get me killed.
Tonya: Daddy! Da-
Chris: Girl, you want Daddy to go to jail?
Drew: I told her to quit.
Tonya: I have to go to the bathroom.
Chris: I told you to go at school.
Tonya: That bathroom is nasty.
Chris: Listen, we're going in. But once we get in, I don't wanna hear any noise. None. Do you understand?
Tonya: Yes.

Chris: Well?
Malvo: I scored in the 70 percentile. I passed!
Chris: Congratulations.
Malvo: Thanks, Chris, man, I couldn't did it without you. When nobody else believed in me, you did. You the wind beneath beneath my wings.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And he was the convict beneath my nightmares. Despite the awkwardness of this moment, I was really happy I helped Malvo.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After everything I'd been through with Tasha and as crazy as she acted, she really did have a point. Breaking up over one fight wasn't worth it. And if she didn't think it was over, then it wasn't over.
Tasha: Oh, Chris. Hey.
Chris: I was mad earlier.
Tasha: I noticed.
Chris: It's not that I want to break up with you. I just think we need to get clear about some things.
Tasha: Like what?
Chris: First of all, you cannot cancel my work so we can go hang out.
Tasha: Okay.
Chris: And I'm sorry that I overreacted. I'm new to this relationship stuff.
Tasha: Okay.
Chris: Good. [Tasha turns away as Chris goes to kiss her] What's wrong?
Tasha: I am breaking up with you.
Chris: I thought you said that we were still together.
Tasha: Until I said we were breaking up. We're breaking up. See ya, wouldn't want to be ya.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Me, either.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After school, I had a plan.
Greg: This is crazy!
Chris: Man, it's a school fight. School fights only last a minute because somebody always comes and breaks them up. All I have to do is get in the first punch. Somebody will stop it.
Kids: [chant] Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Joey Caruso: What are you waiting for, Cornbread?
Chris: [punches Caruso] This should be over any minute!
[thirty minutes later, Caruso is still pounding Chris as "Ebony and Ivory" plays]
Chris: Is somebody's gonna stop this?
[A White police officer walks by]