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‘Everybody Hates Bomb Threats’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Bomb Threats

421. Everybody Hates Bomb Threats

Aired May 1, 2009

Chris looks for a way to get out of class after Thurman forces him to learn a lengthy speech. Meanwhile, Julius is worried when Rochelle upsets a customer at the salon who puts "a mojo" on her.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Mr. Omar: Ah, Ms. Rochelle, Mr. Julius, I just want to tell you I might be a little late on the rent. Yeah, the mortuary had a run of bad luck, and tragically, we lost three customers.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That means they lived.
Julius: You see there, Rochelle? The mojo's spreading all over the building.
Mr. Omar: Mojo? What mojo? You got a mojo on you?
Rochelle: Oh, don't tell me you believe in that nonsense too.
Mr. Omar: I believe it because it's not nonsense. I'm sorry, if you got a mojo on you, I got to move the hell up out of here now.
Rochelle: What for?
Mr. Omar: 'Cause you got a mojo on you, and I'm in this house, I got a mojo on me. And if people keep surviving around here, y'all gonna run me out of business. So do what you need to do, and let me know when it's done.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's what my wife says.

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Quote from Vanessa

Vanessa: Oh, I had to check with you. I was going over my receipts, and my register keeps coming up short about $40.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mom could have been the mayor of Detroit.
Rochelle: Oh... I meant to tell you about that.
Vanessa: About what?
Rochelle: Um, you know Miss Tallulah?
Vanessa: Yeah. What about her?
Rochelle: Well, she was unhappy with her hair color, so she seemed pretty upset, so I just gave her a refund.
Vanessa: Refund? What'd you do that for? I have a strict no-refund policy, you know that.
Rochelle: Well, Vanessa, she put a hex on me. A mojo!
Vanessa: A mojo? You let that woman come in and scam you for $40 because she threatened you with a mojo? She's been doing that ever since she came in, 'Chelle. She's crazy! She's the reason I put the sign up there. Oh, ooh, I got to watch TV when I eat.

Quote from Rochelle

Tallulah: My name is Tallulah LaFitte. I came in here the other day to get my hair dyed honey brown, and it come out like this.
Rochelle: Well, did you have color in your hair before you came in?
Tallulah: So, what if I did? I didn't want my hair to be orange. I look like Ronald Blackdonald.
Rochelle: Well... hair is like crayons, you know? You mix colors, you get new colors. If you don't know what you're mixing, then you don't know what you're gonna get.
Tallulah: I don't care about no mixing colors, miss. You need to give me a refund.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You need to put those fingers away.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: If that woman wasn't so ridiculous, I swear I might really believe she put a mojo on me for real.
Julius: What woman? What mojo? What makes you think you got a mojo?
Rochelle: Oh, it was nothing. Some crazy woman came in the shop, talking about she didn't like the way we did her hair, she wanted her money back, and I told her no, and she got mad and said, oh, well, I'm gonna put a hex on, mojo or something on you.
Julius: Well, did this happen today?
Rochelle: Yeah.
Julius: Maybe we still have time. I'll stop by Aunt Mousey's tomorrow on the way home from work and get her mojo remedy.
Rochelle: In the meantime, I'll just get the kids some 'Tussin.
Julius: No, no. You can feed 'em, but don't give 'em medicine until you treat the mojo. Anything you do might make it worse.
Rochelle: Fine. Drew, Tonya, Chris, get down here and eat this soup! [grunting] Ow! I just bit my tongue.
Julius: Mojo.

Quote from Drew

Rochelle: I can't believe you had me go all the way down there and apologize to that crazy woman for nothing!
Julius: It wasn't for nothing. Drew and Tonya had a fever. It was getting worse.
Tonya: That's because we didn't drink that nasty mojo remedy.
Drew: Yeah, we poured that down the drain. I really don't think it's safe to drink Clay-Dough.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Um, we don't give refunds. That's our policy. Didn't you read the sign?
Tallulah: Then I need to speak to the manager.
Rochelle: She's just gonna tell you the same thing I just said.
Tallulah: How do you know that?
Rochelle: [mimicking her accent] Because she is me! So I'm sorry, but no. Whatever happened to that head of yours is not our fault.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's what the president of Hollywood said to Britney Spears.
Tallulah: Ah-ah, this is not over, miss. Until you give me back my money, I'm putting a mojo on you and yours, a hex on everything you touch and everything you do. So it is said, so it shall be done. [grunts quickly, clicks tongue] [speaks foreign language] [grunting foreign language]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That was Barack Obama's middle name.
Rochelle: And Obama-lu to you, too!

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back home, my father thought someone put a hex on his dinner.
Julius: We're having soup for dinner?
Rochelle: Yeah. Drew and Tonya are sick. They got a touch of the flu.
Julius: The flu? They were fine last night. They aren't faking, are they?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If she thought that, she'd have made fake soup.
Rochelle: No. I took their temperature with a rectal thermometer.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Just one?
Rochelle: Either they got the flu, or they're going a long way for a joke.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Where you been?
Julius: Tattoo down at the garage. The battery's dead.
Rochelle: What?
Julius: I know. it's a brand-new battery. I told him you bought a new one two months ago, and he said it looked like it was four years old. I don't get it.
Rochelle: He said it looked like it was four years old? That's crazy.
Julius: Yeah, it's been a crazy day. One bad thing happening right after the other. I found out I had a hole in my pocket, and I lost 89 cents.

Quote from Julius

Drew: Do we have to drink this?
Tonya: You don't have to do anything but stay ugly and die.
Julius: Yeah. We need to be on the safe side.
Tonya: It looks like Clay-Dough and grits.
Drew: Ugh! It tastes like Clay-Dough and grits.
Julius: It is Clay-Dough and grits. If you treat the mojo in the first 24 hours, you can stop it from taking hold.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back home, my dad's mojo recipes were laying eggs.
Julius: Honey, I've done everything I can, and things just keep getting worse. They've had over four glasses of the remedy each, and their temperature just keeps going up.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Maybe that's because Clay-Dough is not the stuffy-nose, runny-eyes, scratchy-throat and knock-you-out-so-you-can-sleep medicine.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Well, can you check the kitchen drain? It's stopped up.
Julius: Since when?
Rochelle: I don't know. It was slow a couple of days ago, and now it's totally clogged.
Julius: You know, this would all be over if you just go apologize to that woman.
Rochelle: Well, I guess it's not gonna be over, because I'm not gonna apologize for being right.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Men do it all the time.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While the fire alarm rang, Drew and Tonya were burning up.
Julius: So you just gonna go to work and leave us like this?
Rochelle: There is no mojo, Julius. The children are sick. You refuse to give them real medicine.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Just like the government.

Quote from Greg

Chris: Where you been?
Greg: I've been at the emergency triage area with heart palpitations.
Chris: Don't worry. Everything's gonna be fine.
Greg: How do you know? This whole place could blow. Metal chairs flying like shrapnel everywhere.
Chris: Greg, I called in the bomb threat.
Greg: What?! Where would you get such a crazy idea?
Chris: From you, with that story about your cousin Benny.
Greg: Oh. I may have exaggerated a bit.
Chris: What's wrong with you? Why would you make up a story like that?
Greg: I have a penchant for hyperbole to aggrandize myself. I've been working it out with my shrink.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Chris: Look, bottom line is, the school is not gonna blow up. They're gonna send us all home for the day, and I won't have to recite that stupid speech.
Captain Williams: [over bullhorn] Attention, everyone. I'm Captain Tyrone Williams of the Bomb Squad. The school has been cleared and the bomb threat is over. Thank you for your cooperation.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I've never seen a Black man on that side of a megaphone.
Ms. Morello: [over bullhorn] We would send you all home, but with finals next week, it's best if you go back to your classes. So, we'll resume with fifth period, and Tyrone will resume searching my office and my person.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: There, there, Chris. It's perfectly natural for you to freak out after a bomb scare. It's called Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. But being from the ghetto, it never occurred to me that your stress would ever end.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Look, I memorized it, I'm gonna recite it, and you're gonna listen to it.
Thurman: Is that a fact? Sit down.
Chris: "Called from a retirement which I had supposed would continue for the residue of my life."
Thurman: All right, that's enough. You know it. Take your seat.
Chris: "to fill the chief executive office of this great and free nation." [bell rings]
Thurman: Talk.
Chris: "which will govern me in the duties of these discharge which I had to perform."
Thurman: Enjoy. Good-bye.
[later, Chris is still talking as Thurman visits a urinal:]
Chris: "I fear that a strict examination of the annals of some of the modern elective governments would develop similar instances of violated confidence."
[later, Chris in the passenger's seat of Thurman's car as he drives off:]
Chris: "I, too, well understand the dangerous temptations to which I shall be exposed "from the magnitude of the power, which it has been the pleasure"
[later, Chris is talking on the phone as Thurman reads a book at home:]
Chris: [on the phone] "If parties in a republic are necessary to secure a degree of vigilance sufficient to keep"
Thurman: All right, all right! I get it. Now leave me alone. You know the speech. I'm sorry.
Chris: Thank you.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The week before finals was the most pressure-packed time of the year. Kids reacted to the pressure in lots of different ways. Some kids took it out on themselves. Some kids took it out on others. When I got stressed out, only one thing ever worked for me: cracking jokes.
Chris: I saw your mama standing outside the free clinic reading a bottle of aspirin. I asked her what she was doing. She says, "Studying for my drug test."
Greg: [laughs] That's good.
Thurman: Very good, very good, very good. Very funny. You got a way with words. Which would be a good thing if this was you-got-a-way-with-word-ology! But is this that?
Chris: No.
Thurman: You're right. Do you know William Henry Harrison?
Chris: Yeah, wasn't he that guy who cleaned up that woman in My Fair Lady?
Thurman: No, that was Rex Harrison.
Chris: Oh.
Thurman: William Henry Harrison was the ninth President of the United States, and he gave the longest inaugural address in history. And guess what?
Chris: What?
Thurman: Since you like to talk so much, you are gonna memorize that speech! But I have to study for finals. Not if you don't get that speech memorized-- because if you don't, you're gonna get suspended! And then you won't be here to take final exams! You got a mama joke for that?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If I tell it, I'll get suspended right now.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] In 1987, there was no Internet. If you wanted information, you actually had to walk out of your house and get it.
Librarian: William Henry Harrison's inaugural speech. There you go.
Chris: Thanks. Uh, which page is it on?
Librarian: All of 'em.
Chris: I can't memorize all this.
Librarian: Memorize? Harrison couldn't memorize that, and he wrote it.
Chris: Well, I guess I'm gonna need to take it home.
Librarian: Can't. It's a reference book.
Chris: Can I make a copy?
Librarian: Sure. [offers Chris a pack of lined paper]
Chris: Don't we have a copy machine?
Librarian: We did, but it turned out to be a fake. It was a copy of a copy machine. The Xerox police confiscated it. If your hand starts to cramp up, use the other one.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was quite familiar with that principle.

Quote from Julius

Tattoo: Your battery's dead.
Julius: Dead? Tattoo, that doesn't make sense. I gave my wife money to buy a new one two months ago.
Tattoo: I don't know, man, I never seen anything like this before. It look like this battery been in here three or four years.
Julius: How much to replace it?
Tattoo: Sixty dollars. But that don't include the spare tires, the shocks or the brake pads.
Julius: What? When did all that happen?
Tattoo: I don't know.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Just now.
Tattoo: It's your car.

Quote from Adult Chris

Rochelle: [burns finger] Aw!
Julius: Hey, are you okay?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No, she's mad she can't slap soup.

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