Mr. Omar: Um, I was wondering had you rented my apartment yet.
Julius: You forgot to say, "bald-headed skinflint."
Mr. Omar: Yeah. About that, I just wanted to say I'm very sorry.
Julius: Whatever. What difference is it to you whether I rented the place anyway? Won't you be dead?
Mr. Omar: Uh, no, no. Uh, turned out, there was a mistake. I got Mr. Watkins' prognosis, and he got mine.
Julius: Who is Mr. Watkins?
Mr. Omar: He's the guy that's dying instead of me. [chuckles] Yeah, misdiagnosed with a terminal condition by a doctor with a nearsighted nurse. Tragic. Tragic!

Mr. Omar: Hey, aloha, Mr. Julius.
Julius: You can't have all these people in the hallway.
Mr. Omar: What you gonna do about it? I'm dying.
Julius: Mr. Omar, these people are turning my house into a fire hazard.
Mr. Omar: Well, with all that asbestos in the walls and ceiling, you ain't got to worry about no fire. It's the asthma that's gonna kill you.
Julius: Excuse me?
Mr. Omar: You're cheap! You're a bald-headed, penny-pinching skinflint.
Julius: Watch yourself, Mr. Omar.
Mr. Omar: What's to watch?! I'm dying.

Chris: Mom, I didn't eat all the dinner by myself. I shouldn't have to clean it all up by myself.
Rochelle: I don't wear all the clothes, but I wash them by myself. I don't sleep in all the beds in this house, but I make them up by myself. I don't pee in all of the toilets in this house by myself...!
Chris: Mom, Drew and Tonya sitting right there doing nothing. Why can't they help?
Rochelle: Because I told you to do it. Now I don't want to hear no more back talk. Now clean this mess up.
Chris: No. I'm not gonna do it.
Rochelle: Lord, please help me before I knock this boy's neck off. Eight, nine, t- ten!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wouldn't see a woman that perplexed again until Palin found out her daughter was knocked up.
Rochelle: Now are you gonna clean up this table or do I need to tell your father?

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was trying to savor my last day of life, Mr. Omar was trying to savor a last meal.
Mr. Omar: So, the next thing I know, the doctors call and say I've gone from a clean bill of health to who knows how much time left to live. [chuckles]
Rochelle: Tragic.
Mr. Omar: You see, most people are decapitated by flying hubcaps. [laughs] Or fall down a flight of steps and get strangled between banister rails. So knowing when I'm gonna die allows me to make the most of my remaining days and get my affairs in order.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And he doesn't mean business affairs.
Mr. Omar: So from now on, I'm gonna do the things I want to do and say the things I want to say without worrying about the consequences. [looks suggestively at Rochelle]

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While my mother was teaching me a lesson about life, Mr. Omar was giving out lessons about death.
Monk: And I also will take that helmet and those death darts.
Mr. Omar: That's a Crock-Pot and pens, man.
Monk: Not in the jungle, it's not. You know, I can make a hand grenade out of a can of Cheez Whiz and a dress sock.
Mr. Omar: Well, you need to use it to blow your own brains out. Don't they have centers for people like you? Bye.

Julius: Do you know what the words "too far" mean?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Actually, she didn't.
Julius: You're cutting the boy's arm off for sticking his finger in the fan.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What?
Rochelle: Cutting off his arm? I don't get it. So am I the fan?
Drew: I'm pretty sure Chris is the arm.
Tonya: No, I think the arm is the arm.
Rochelle: Chris is the boy.
Julius: Yeah, Chris is the boy. Look, sticking his finger in the fan is just the equivalent of doing something stupid.
Drew: Like talking back to Mom.
Julius: Right.
Tonya: So cutting the arm off is kicking him out of the house?
Julius: Exactly.
Rochelle: So if he stuck his finger in the fan, and I didn't like it, cutting his arm off so he wouldn't do it again...
Both: ...wouldn't help.

Rochelle: Well, while you were out taking your time sipping on coffee, uh, your son was here staging a coup!
Julius: A coup? What? Who, Drew?
Rochelle: Chris! I spent 20 hours of labor pushing out that big-eared boy, and he turns around and does this to me?!
Julius: Does what? What did he do?
Rochelle: "What did he do?" Oh, what? You're on his side now?!
Julius: No, no, I'm just trying to find out what's going on.
Rochelle: Oh, what's going on, what's going on. Let me think about what's going on. Your son is trying to kill me. That's what's going on! I- I cook, I clean, I care for this family, and what do I get in return? Just a full-scale mutiny! Led by a child who I bore for a man who's supposed to love and honor and protect me! You know, I thought we were all in this together, but you know what? I'm finding out now that I'm just by myself!
Julius: Rochelle, what did he do?
Rochelle: I told Chris to wash the dishes. And he told me, "No." And what do you do? Nothing!

Greg: You're a fool. Mothers do have limits. I mean, there's only so much they can take. You know, one day you just refuse to do the housework, and then the next day you wake up, and there's some Italian lady naked in your kitchen at midnight eating all your spumoni ice cream, and your dad comes out and he's, like, "Hey, just, you know, go back to bed. Forget all about it, Greg."
Chris: Well, after my dad knocks my brains out, I won't have to worry about remembering anything.

Julius: Hey, Mr. Omar.
Mr. Omar: Oh, hey, Mr. Julius. Unfortunately, I'm here to give my 19-day notice.
Julius: You moving out?
Rochelle: Mm, no, more like moving on.
Mr. Omar: Where you going?
Mr. Omar: Well, that's the great mystery of life, isn't it, Mr. Julius? Where do we go when we die?
Julius: Dying? Mr. Omar, that's terrible.
Mr. Omar: Oh, no, it's not. 'Cause for the next 19 days, I'm gonna be living it up! [laughs] Pass me the meatballs.

Julius: I just need to understand why you would talk to your mother like that.
Chris: Dad, Drew and Tonya were sitting down watching TV, and I'm the only one Mom said to go clean up. I mean, it's just not fair. You raised me to stand up for myself, so why do I get in trouble when I do it at home?
Julius: Look, Chris, you might win the battle, but you're gonna lose the war. Sometimes it's not about just being right. Hey, look, you need to apologize to your mother.
Chris: Why?
Julius: Because she will make your life miserable. You know how many times I've been right and still had to apologize? 469,531 times.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And counting.
Chris: How is that even possible?
Julius: Because she doesn't care.
Chris: It doesn't make any sense.
Julius: Exactly. Look, that's the #1 rule of living with women: nothing makes sense. When you learn this, then you'll finally understand what it is to be a man. Wrong or right, you still have to be sorry.