Adult Chris: [v.o.] I stood out in AP class because unlike everyone else, I was dumb.
Teacher: I need you to read The Theory of Atomic Physics, Quantum Dynamics and Worm Holes, and Richard Feynman's Quantum Electrodynamics: The Strange Theory of Light and Matter.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Which were all made into Wayans Brother movies.
Teacher: Then write a report on each of them presenting an alternate theory to each central thesis. This is a tough assignment so I'll give you plenty of time. You have until tomorrow.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Drew wanted more fresh air, but he got something even better. Instead of taking her clothes off, she should have kept her glasses on. Relax, we know this is a kids' show.
Drew: Cool.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] This was gonna be the lasagna that bakes you back.

Chris: Greg? Oh. Greg? Wake up. Look, Greg, wake up.
Greg: Aw.
Chris: Wake up, Greg!
Greg: Aw! Dude, you hit me with a car.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sounds like the title of an Ashton Kutcher movie.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] She better quit fake smoking, or she'll get fake cancer.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, my mother wasn't the only one hiding a secret. The only place his money could be hidden better was Pakistan.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father was like the police. He entered, then knocked.

Vanessa: It's dishes! You're acting like she told you to bring down the mob!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Actually, the mob was slightly less vindictive than my mother.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Out of all the girls I liked growing up, the one that got to me the most was Tasha.
Tasha: [laughs] Boy, you so crazy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She was cute, she liked my jokes, but the most important thing about her was that she was the girl next door.
Chris: I'll see you later.
Tasha: Yeah, see you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like real estate, Tasha's biggest selling point was location, location, location.

Greg: What'd she say?
Chris: She said she'll think about it.
Greg: Well, what does that mean?
Chris: It means "Let me check every option, "see if I can get someone I want, and if not, I'll go out with you."
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And when she said every option, she meant every option. She checked blind guys.
Tasha: [to a blind guy] Do you have a girlfriend?
Blind Girlfriend: Yeah, girl. What are you, blind?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She checked dangerous guys.
Tasha: [to a guy robbing someone] Do you have a girlfriend?
Criminal Girlfriend: [pointing gun] Yeah, he does. Now, give me your money.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She even checked guys who were girls.
Tasha: Do you have a girlfriend?
Cross Dresser: I'm my own girlfriend.