Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since having Stacy kidnapped was out of my price range, I decided to make my case with Doc.
Doc: What are you doing here, Chris? You don't work till tomorrow.
Chris: I came to talk to you about Stacy.
Drew: I love Stacy. She came by today and brought me a pie. And if she was 13, I'd probably have to take her from you, Doc.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You'd have to get past R. Kelly first.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] When my mother found the bra in my father's sock drawer, she stared at it like the woman was still in it.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] It wasn't pretty, but Doc had gotten his nights back with his queen.
Mr. Mervin Bingham: You know your king's in check?
Stacy: He most certainly is.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Stacy was back with Doc and out of the store on weekends, which was all I ever wanted. Doc had said he was getting another cashier. Whoever it was, they would have to be better than Stacy.
Mr. Fong: Hey, Lionel Richie, you're late. Get busy. Scrub floor.

Chris: What's wrong? I thought you guys were going out.
Rochelle: The sitter canceled, and my anniversary is ruined. Other than that, everything is fine.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If this was a cartoon, you'd see a lightbulb appear above my head.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though nobody showed, I figured since I was out, I may as well go in.
Chris: Forget this. [gunshots, yelling]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's what happens when you talk over the trailer for Three Men and a Baby.

Drew: How do you get shot in a movie theater and not have any witnesses?
Julius: Because nobody wants to be a snitch, that's why.
Tonya: What do you mean?
[fantasy: Dr. Information talks to camera while walking through a crowd gathered by a dead man:]
Dr. Information: In the early days in the Black communities, people enjoyed telling on each other. You couldn't do anything without getting caught.
Old Timey Cop: Who did this?
Man: He did.
Dr. Information: Thousands of criminals were sent to jail by law-abiding citizens.
Old Timey Cop: Thanks.
Man: No problem.
Dr. Information: It wasn't until those people got out of jail and started killing the people that sent them there that snitching got a bad rep.
Old Timey Cop: Who did this?
Dr. Information: I don't know.
Man: [o.s.] Wasn't me. I didn't see nothing.

Chris: You got the money?
Jerome: They said I get it as soon as they arrest the guy.
Chris: So, you told them about the red shirt and two-tone shoes and the stingy brim hat?
Jerome: Yep.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It was either a Black guy or Justin Timberlake.

Julius: Hey, Chris, how's it going on the wrestling team?
Chris: Oh, I'm undefeated. They call me the Black Plague.
Rochelle: Isn't that an insult?
Julius: Well, I'm just glad you're winning. You don't want to know the things they called Jackie Robinson.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If you really want to know, ask Michael Richards or Don Imus.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Unfortunately for me, they found a cure for the Black Plague: a good ass whooping.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, I wasn't the only one having problems with my date of birth.
Julius: Remember, I don't want a party for my birthday.
Rochelle: Don't worry. You're not having a party.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's what the Democrats said to Hillary.