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‘Everybody Hates Boxing’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Boxing

415. Everybody Hates Boxing

Aired February 6, 2009

Thurman encourages Chris to take up boxing so he can defend himself. Meanwhile, a new neighbor, Ms. Hutchins (Tamala Jones), has her eyes on Julius, unaware that Drew is the peeping Tom watching her.

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: Why are you staring at my feet?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She loves your bunions.
Rochelle: I'm just trying to be close to you. I never get a chance to see you anymore. I barely even remember what you look like. And I get lonely.
Julius: I know, but I have to go to work so you can either be lonely in this house or together in the streets.
Rochelle: That's it?
Julius: That's what?
Rochelle: I'm talkin' about you, and you're talking about this house. I can't watch TV with this house. I can't talk to this house about my day. I can't ask this house to rub my feet! When I hear a noise downstairs in the middle of the night, I can't ask this house to go downstairs and see what it is! Julius, I did not marry this house.
I married a man!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But when they leave the man, they always end up with a house.
Julius: I wasn't saying that.
Rochelle: That's okay. You just keep on workin', but I'm not gonna sit here and wait to watch you tie your shoes.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father had two full-time jobs, three if you count my mother.

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Quote from Julius

Chris: Hey, Dad. Mom said that since you like to work so much to take these letters around the corner. They belong to somebody in the other building.
Julius: [sighs] Okay. I'll see you after school.
Chris: Oh, and I'm gonna be home late tonight.
Julius: Why? What do you have to do?
Chris: Oh, I'm learning how to box.
Julius: Box? How much is that gonna cost?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Just a little dignity.
Chris: Nothing. My teacher's supplying everything.
Julius: That's great. You remember what happened with you and karate. Don't break no bones. Bones are expensive.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Drew wanted more fresh air, but he got something even better. Instead of taking her clothes off, she should have kept her glasses on. Relax, we know this is a kids' show.
Drew: Cool.

Quote from Drew

Drew: Two dollars, thank you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, Drew's window was attracting more perverts than Times Square.
Drew: Gracias.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] For a woman, there's only thing that replaces a man: a pity party.
Rochelle: [sings] All by myself Don't want to be All by myself Anymore

Quote from Drew

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While my mother was shaking with emotion, Tonya was shaking down Drew.
Tonya: So how much are you charging them?
Drew: What are you talking about?
Tonya: I'm talking about you and your nasty friends peeping on that lady.
Drew: Shut up. Keep your voice down.
Tonya: I figure you're charging them two dollars a head. I want half.
Drew: I'm not giving you a dime because if you tell I was looking, I'm going to tell Mama about the liquor and cigarettes you've been hiding in your room.
Tonya: I didn't hide any liquor or cigarettes in my room.
Drew: Oh, you didn't? Maybe it was me.

Quote from Drew

Ms. Hutchins: Oh! My God! I am so sorry. I didn't know. I-- I am so... Oh, my God, I don't know what you must think of me. I am so... Well... Well, if Julius wasn't the one looking at me, then who was it?
[When Rochelle opens Ms. Hutchin's drapes, Drew and his friends scream. Rochelle can be seen shouting at them from across the street.]
James: When is she gonna stop screaming and start stripping?
Drew: Man, that's my mom!
James: I know.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] When I was growing up, I loved boxing because I loved the movie Rocky. I'd seen it a million times and could recite every line. The lines everyone knew...
Chris: Yo, Adrian!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And lines everyone didn't know...
Chris: Why do you have to wear that stinkin' sweat suit?
Greg: It brings me luck, y'know?
Chris: Brings you luck? I'll tell you what it brings. It brings flies!

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] And in the spring of 1987, boxing was big and some people thought Mike Tyson was the greatest boxer alive.
Greg: Dude, Mike Tyson is the greatest boxer alive.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And some people didn't.
Chris: No, he's not. James "Bonecrusher" Smith is the first heavyweight champ with a college degree. The brother is smart.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Then why'd he go into the face-punching business?
Chris: You know what? I'll bet you five dollars that he beats Tyson in Vegas next week.
Greg: It's like taking candy from a baby.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Who would do that?
Greg: You know what? You're on.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] There was only one part of boxing I didn't like... [Caruso punches Chris] Getting punched.
Thurman: I thought White guys only knocked out the Black guys in the movies.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Only in White movies.
Thurman: You know, I like seeing a good fight. But what I just saw, that was terrible.
Chris: Why didn't you do something?
Thurman: Why didn't you do anything?
Chris: Right. I was too busy getting punched in the face.
Thurman: I'll tell you what. I run a boxing program down at the Boys Athletic Club. Why don't you come by, I'll teach you to box, huh? You could learn to defend yourself.
Chris: I don't know.
Thurman: C'mon. You'll be like Rocky. But instead of being the Italian Stallion, you'll be the Black Stallion.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Hope I don't get sent to the glue factory.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Thurman was the first teacher that ever did anything about me getting beat down every day, only I couldn't figure out why.
Chris: Wait, what difference does me getting beat up make to you?
Thurman: I don't like seeing the "metaphorical" little guy get beat up. The United States was a little guy but we're a superpower now 'cause we got out from under England's thumb.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Thurman cared about the principles of boxing for self-defense. I wanted to box for another reason. This is what I imagined my life would be like after I learned how to box.
[fantasy:]
Joey Caruso: [trips Chris] What's the matter, Sir Nose, can't catch the rhythm of the stroke?
[Chris punches Caruso, launching his body straight up into the air]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Maybe pigs do fly.

Quote from Julius

Ms. Hutchins: Yes, can I help you?
Julius: Are you Ms., uh, Hutchins?
Ms. Hutchins: Yes.
Julius: Well, I think I got your mail by mistake.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She'd like to help him make another mistake.
Ms. Hutchins: That is so sweet of you. I just moved here about a month ago. Where-- Where do you live?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] In poverty.
Julius: Around the corner. In the building behind you.
Ms. Hutchins: Well, I guess that means we're neighbors. [chuckles] I'm Darlene. And you're?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Married.
Julius: Julius. Nice to meet you.
Ms. Hutchins: Nice to meet you. Mm-hmm.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While my father was getting hit on, I was about to get my first punch in.
Thurman: Most guys, they want to learn how to box so they can punch, understand? Uppercut, jab, hook. Right? But punching is only the second most important thing in boxing.
Chris: What's the first thing?
Thurman: Not getting hit. Muhammad Ali said it best: gotta "float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. The hands can't hit what the eyes can't see." All right, pop.
Chris: Ow!
Thurman: That hurt, right?
Chris: Yeah, that's why I said, "Ow."
Thurman: Okay, so at that moment, what would you rather be doing, punching or not getting hit?
Chris: Not getting hit.
Thurman: Okay. Good. Take a swing at me. Give it everything you got. That's good. Okay, now, keep it coming. Keep 'em coming. Whoa! Nice! See, the best offense is a strong defense. Okay? Because defense is the art of preparing for any eventuality. Because when you get hit, eventually, you're going down. Right? But when they show up, what do they do if you're not there?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] We could ask Osama Bin Laden.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Earlier that day my mother had made my father's sandwich with a little extra love.
Julius: "Thinking of you. Love, Rochelle."
[When Julius dials a pay phone, he gets an engaged tone]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Secretly, he was happy 'cause he got his dime back.

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at school, there was only one person more excited about me boxing than me.
Greg: Dude, you're learning the way of the pugilist. The sweet science of fisticuffs.
Chris: I'm just learning the basics.
Greg: Yeah, if that's the case, maybe you can understand why Tyson's gonna dismantle Bonecrusher.
Chris: Oh, you wish.
Greg: I heard they're having a closed-circuit screening at Madison Square Garden, but it's been sold out for months. Dude, I'd do anything to see that fight.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Would you fight Mike Tyson?

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