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‘Everybody Hates the Car’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates the Car

418. Everybody Hates the Car

Aired March 27, 2009

When Chris gets his driver's license, he sets out to buy his first car. Meanwhile, it seems everybody in the house is keeping a secret and uncovering someone else's.

Quote from Drew

Chris: You smoke?
Drew: Ma, the surgeon general says you can't-
Rochelle: I know what he says. It's written on the side of the box.
Tonya: Then how come you still smoke?
Drew: Yeah. If there was a sign on the side of our dinner that says it will cause cancer and birth defects, you would slap the salad out of us if you found us eating it.

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Quote from Michael

Adult Chris: [v.o.] But sometimes the best deals are right under your nose.
Michael: This car is you, nephew! Let me take another picture. Yeah, you are hot! That's it right there, nephew, that's it. This is it.
Chris: I don't know. I think I want to look around a little bit more.
Michael: What for? That's a good car. Radio works, no dents, you got a spare in the back, and it only costs $300. Plus, you can't even see the hole in the backseat where the girl shot at me over a chicken sandwich. There's a lot of people pay a lot more money for a car like that.
Chris: Then why haven't you sold it already?
Michael: Classified ads are expensive. If you hadn't called me, I would've kept it for myself.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And trade it to somebody for a sandwich.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Lakemuffin? I wonder if he's related to Seabiscuit.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Tonya? Do you have a pen?
Tonya: For what?
Rochelle: For me not to smack the smart out of you. Now, find a pen and give it to Drew.

Quote from Michael

Michael: Hey, man, you got that pen?
Drew: Uh, Mom's bringing one.
Tonya: Here, Drew, here's a pen.
Drew: Oh. Here you go, Uncle Michael.
Michael: Sweet! [Julius walks in] Big Man!
Julius: Hey, Michael. Here's that pen, Drew. [Drew hands it to Uncle Michael]
Michael: This house is full of pens!

Quote from Chris

Police Officer: Was there money in the tires?
Chris: No.
Police Officer: A baby?
Chris: A baby in the tires?
Police Officer: You'd be surprised. Was this baby Black or White?
Chris: There was no baby in the tires.
Police Officer: Well, tell me, sir, exactly what was in the tires?
Chris: Air.
Police Officer: White air?
Chris: White air?!
Police Officer: You'd be surprised. All right, fill this out, and we'll see what we can do.
Chris: Well, should I move it so I don't get a ticket?
Police Officer: Don't bother. [slaps a ticket on the windshield] Too late.

Quote from Tonya

Tonya: If Chris gets a car, can I have a football helmet?
Julius: For what?
Tonya: Because I don't want to be on the street unprotected.

Quote from Drew

Drew: I think you should get a Suzuki Samurai.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's because he thought the car came with a sword.
Drew: But if you don't get a Samurai, you should get a Audi 5000. That way, when you leave a place, you're, like, "Yo, I'm Audi 5000", and then you'd be in one. That'd be cool.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Chris is not getting a car.
Chris: Come on, Ma, I saved up $300, I got my license, what else do I need?
Rochelle: My permission.
Julius: $300? That's a lot of dollars.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] 300 to be exact.
Julius: If he's old enough to save up that kind of money, he's old enough to spend it on what he wants.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It's a good thing I was too young for strip clubs.

Quote from Tonya

Adult Chris: [v.o.] And while Drew acted like he wasn't hiding anything, Tonya was acting like my mom.
Tonya: I don't need this! My man has two jobs! Hmm.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Someday she's gonna make somebody a great ex-wife.
Tonya: Cigarettes? "Surgeon General's Warning: "Smoking causes lung cancer, heart disease, emphysema, and may complicate pregnancy." Hmm. Good thing they got these filters.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Congratulations. So, you got a car, huh?
Chris: Yeah. You sign that pink slip?
Michael: Sure did. Here you go.
Chris: Want to go for a drive?
Julius: Yeah. Right after you get it registered, pay the title transfer fees, get plates, insurance.
Michael: And you're gonna need some gas.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] By dinnertime, that pack of cigarettes was burning a hole in my pocket.
Chris: Hey, Ma, I found this pack of cigarettes in my drawer.
Julius: Cigarettes?
Chris: Yeah, I don't know whose they are, but they're not mine, and I don't want to get in trouble for it, so here you go.
Drew: Not mine.
Tonya: They're not mine.
Rochelle: Why is everybody looking at me?
Julius: Because you're smoking a carrot.
Rochelle: All right, all right, all right! They're mine!

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] At the end of the day, I ended up paying $300 for my first car, I never got to drive it, but I was taken for a ride.
Reporter: [on TV] Now, here's a feel-good story we like to call "Junkyard Treasure." It happened this afternoon when this man, Miguel Rodriguez, the manager of an impound lot in Bed-Stuy, found $5,000 in the trunk of an old Camaro.
Chris: What?! No!
Michael: [on TV] I bought the car off some kid for $10.75. An-- And I asked him if he wanted anything in the trunk, and he told me to keep it. So I looked inside this little can and I found $5,000!
Chris: Ain't this about a...!

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back home at dinner, the only thing I was hungry for was a car.
Rochelle: Boy, this is not a library.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If it was, you'd be quiet.
Chris: I'm sorry. I'm looking for a good deal on a used car.
Rochelle: A car?
Chris: Yeah. Since I have my license, I figured I should have a car.
Rochelle: Did you figure I would tell you you were crazy?

Quote from Jerome

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I soon found out that buying a used car wasn't easy. You had to watch out for scams.
Dealer: $300? That car's gone. But we got this one. Only $15,000. $300 down, $300 a month for 300 months.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And some deals were just too good to be true.
Jerome: That's right, little dude. This car is brand-new. And I'm gonna let you have it for only $300.
Man: Hey, fool! Get off my new car!
Jerome: All right, all right.

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